Today got off to a better start than I expected. I kept to my word and went to my appointment with CPN#2 and it actually went quite well. I managed to stay calm and explain how her ‘super structured approach’ and ‘agendas’ for our meetings were not helpful at the moment. I explained that recently my head just hasn’t been in a very good place at all and I need emotional support more than I needed to learn the basics of the Compassionate Mind therapy. We actually spent the hour where I did most of the talking and where she actually listened, and to give her the credit she deserves (well for how she was today!) she even offered some suggestions that did sound helpful. So I’m very much hoping that this is going to be the start of a change in her approach and that way I might just start attending my appointments properly again. I do want to do the Compassionate Mind therapy stuff but right now is not the right time… I just can’t concentrate or deal with things being overly-structured or planned for in advance. I need to just go with the flow for the moment until my head settles down again.
I left the appointment feeling more positive but minutes after I got home I heard my phone beep at me. There was a text message from a girl that I don’t know personally, but I do know her partner. Now for those of you who have been reading for a while, you might remember that back in January 2012 I made some very stupid decisions whilst trying to escape from life in any way possible. I was in a really dark place and the stupid decisions I made were to do with drugs. Now I won’t lie, whilst I haven’t touched any Class A drugs since then, there has been the odd time here and there when I’ve maybe smoked a little bit of cannabis but very rarely, and any time I have done I always regret it because it makes me anxious as hell and super paranoid within hours of smoking it. To get back to the point… the guy who I did hard drugs with in January 2012 is a heroin addict. He is also on a Methadone treatment program but he continues to use heroin on top of this. He found out that I was prescribed Diazepam from my doctor and there have been a couple of occasions where he has bumped into me in the street and quite literally begged me to give him a strip to help with the heroin withdrawals and like an idiot I gave them to him. Not because I wanted to, but because I just wanted him to disappear and the easiest way was to hand him a strip of them and then he’d be gone. [Lesson number 1 – never give anything to a full on junkie, you will never get rid of them, they will only keep on coming back and asking for more]
So a couple of nights ago he sent me a text asking if I could spare a couple of Diazepam for him, he gave me some story about being in bad withdrawals but I replied saying that I no longer had any. I do, but I need my prescribed dosage for myself, especially with the intense anxiety I have been battling with recently and all the self harming. So I thought if I just told him I don’t get them any more then that would make him not bother contacting me again. He replied at the time saying “ok, thanks anyway” and I didn’t expect to hear any more about it.
But then today I get home from my appointment and a text appears through on my phone telling me it is his girlfriend and she had been reading all his texts while he was still in bed… she’d seen the ones where he’d asked me for Diazepam and proceeded to tell me that he had been “a complete monster the past few days, falling asleep in his dinner, verbally abusive towards her and not a good dad to his kids” and since the only text she could find about any kind of drugs was the one he’d sent me and my reply she automatically assumed that I was the one responsible for giving him some type of drugs to get him into that kind of state!! He has openly told me that he still uses heroin pretty much daily on top of his methadone but she thinks he is only taking methadone and is clean from heroin! Lies! So her text ended with “if you ever meet with H again or give him anything again I swear you will live to regret it”.
I was sitting here like WTF? Seriously… what… the… fuck??
So I reply to her saying the last time I gave him a strip of 2mg Diazepam was at least six months ago and if he was in such a state he was falling asleep in his dinner and behaving in the way she’d said around her then I doubted very much it was even Diazepam he was taking. It is pretty easy to buy ‘street blues’ (counterfeit 10mg Diazepam tablets, even in the tiny town I live in they are everywhere) and I know for a fact that he buys them regularly. I then sent a text to him very clearly saying “please do not ever contact me again, I do not appreciate getting angry texts from your girlfriend and certainly don’t appreciate being blamed for the mess you are getting yourself into on god knows what you’ve been taking – delete my number and leave me in peace!!”
He then spends the entire afternoon texting me constantly… apologising for her getting access to his phone and for her texting me… begging me not to tell her he was using heroin again… promising me that he’d make sure my number got deleted off her phone… asking if he could come round “to talk to me”… every text I got I either ignored or replied back saying “I’ve already told you to delete my number please do it, I do not want any trouble from someone I don’t even know about something that has fuck all to do with me”.
Then it went quiet and I thought that was it over and done with.
About an hour ago I get another text message from his partner. She’d got hold of his phone again and had read all the texts (although he coincidently deleted the one begging me not to tell her he was using heroin again) – so she went off on one going mad that I had text him back even if it was to tell him to leave me alone… saying she didn’t believe me and she knew it was me giving him whatever he’s taking to get in that state… then the threats started that she knew where I lived, knew who I was and would personally be coming to my door to *insert a load of expletives here* then “give me a hard kick in my fat ass”.
So I reply again. I tell her again very clearly that I have not given him anything. That I have nothing to give him anyway. That I haven’t even seen him in months. I hint to her that it does not sound to me like it is any type of Diazepam/Valium he is using. I try to be polite even though my hands were shaking and say I completely understand why she wouldn’t want him around their children if he is getting himself into that sort of state. And I finally end my text by repeating that this has absolutely nothing to do with me and it was pure coincidence that he text me out of the blue and if she read my reply she would see I offered him nothing at all. Nada. Zero. Zilch. I then ask her if she could please get his phone and delete my number from it as well as any texts from me to ensure he couldn’t contact me again. And on a very final note made it clear I was not impressed with her sending me threatening messages either.
After sitting with CPN#2 this morning and talking about how I felt all messed up but her pointing out how far I’d come from the stupid few weeks of drug use almost two years ago, I couldn’t quite believe these ridiculous text conversations that I was being hit with today. Between him texting saying to ignore his girlfriend and begging me even for just 1 or 2 tablets and her texting me and accusing me of something I have absolutely no involvement in whatsoever and threatening me it’s turned out to be a pretty crappy evening. And this is one of the really shit things about living in such a small town, I know it will only be a matter of weeks if not days before I run into him somewhere… and whilst I know who his girlfriend is to see, I certainly don’t know her to talk to, but from the sounds of things she is a bit immature if she thinks sending threatening messages to someone is a clever move. So yeah… kinda dreading the idea of going out and about now and think I’ll be keeping my head down for a while… and I *hate* myself for writing that because I know I have done absolutely nothing wrong. OK, giving him a strip of my prescribed medication months and months ago was wrong legally, but I’ve learned from that mistake and not repeated it.
I have asked both of them to delete my number from their phones and told them both not to make any contact with me but who knows how long that will last. I’m so annoyed as well because I only just got a new phone a few weeks ago and I changed network providers… I had a new number but decided just to keep my old one and transfer it over to save me having to change my number everywhere. I should have just gone with the new number and dealt with the little bit of hassle of informing people I had a new one! Then he wouldn’t have been able to contact me at all and all this shit could have been avoided. I feel like such an idiot… like it’s taken me right back to remembering being in that horrendous black hole where I needed to use hard drugs to try and get through each day… but I recognised I was doing something extremely stupid and went to my doctor before I got the chance to develop any sort of an addiction and asked for help. I even agreed to voluntarily go into the psych hospital for a couple of weeks to break away from the cycle I was getting myself into and to try and sort my head out a bit. I broke away from all that crap before it got really serious and yet 22 months later because of living in this tiny little town I still pay the price for it by not being able to escape from idiots like him.
I thought writing all of this down would be therapeutic and get me to release my anger/frustration over it all in a healthy manner but to be honest the temptation to just do one little cut just to release and lower my stress levels is super high. But I won’t. I will not wake up tomorrow with yet another fresh cut and know that one was inflicted by some desperate addict and his nasty little girlfriend.
I’m better than that.
I haven’t done anything wrong.
I don’t need to punish myself.
Repeat over and over.