So this morning I got a phone call from CPN#2 who said she was calling me for two reasons. One was to find out why I didn’t attend my appointment with her last week and the other because she had the notes from my A&E visit on Sunday night in front of her.
This is unusual for her to phone me for missing an appointment and also unusual for her to phone me because she’s seen I’d attended A&E. I couldn’t help but wonder if she had read that my support worker had taken me there at 11pm on a Sunday night and maybe the A&E nurse wrote something on the notes about how unhelpful I’m finding my appointments with CPN#2. Maybe the combination of both finally made her decide she better at least phone and appear as though she gives a shit… either way… she called.
So her first question to me was about my non-attendance of appointments. I could feel my heart suddenly beating super fast and hard in my chest, a huge wave of anxiety came over me because I knew this was my opportunity: be honest with her but not know how she’ll react – or – make some excuse up and let her carry on thinking it’s ‘me’ not ‘her’. There was a lot of noise in the background and CPN#2 said she could barely hear me so was going to move to another room and call me straight back. I used those two minutes to quickly decide whether or not to be honest with her and what the hell to say.
My phone started ringing again a few minutes later and with a deep breath I said I wanted to try and explain what was going on. I wanted to be polite about it, I knew if I started going on about all the little annoying habits she has like “setting an agenda” and the stopwatch app on her phone running all the way through our appointments I would just end up getting angry, sounding silly and not achieve anything. So instead I explained (as calmly as I could) that I felt she was only willing to discuss this Compassionate Mind therapy with me and that any time I have tried to divert away from that to talk about how I’m feeling or how my mood is, she’ll stop me in my tracks and say “this isn’t on our agenda”. I was getting the feeling she was going to start being all defensive so I added in that I *did* want to try and learn the Compassionate Mind stuff because it seemed like a positive step in the right direction… i.e. something that will help me in the future whereas going back to talking about self harming, low moods, etc seemed like a step backwards. This seemed to balance things out a bit as I came across like I was willing to take some responsibility for not opening up to her or being honest with her.
I told her about the self harming and the things that had triggered me into feeling so crappy and spoke for another few minutes about how I didn’t want to “go backwards” but equally I couldn’t ignore these low moods any longer. And to my surprise she said that yes, I *should* be able to tell her when I’m feeling low and if I wanted to put the Compassionate Mind work on hold for a couple of weeks while we look at what’s causing the dips in my mood then we could do that. I explained how I’d had to turn to my support worker at rape crisis to help keep me safe over the weekend and I think this helped her to realise that this wasn’t right… it should be her as my CPN making safety plans and monitoring my mood… that’s her job not my support worker’s. So she asked if I would go in and see her on Friday and said we could get everything out in the open and that she’d give me the time to talk about what *I* wanted to talk about during our hour and I agreed that sounded like it would be helpful and that I would attend.
So I now have my fingers crossed that she will stick to everything she said on the phone and give me some space to open up on Friday, hopefully there will be no “agenda setting” and rather than running it like a business meeting, run it like a session with a CPN should be run. I feel better for finally getting all of this out in the open and if she sticks to her end of the deal then I can maybe start getting the right support from the right people again… i.e. mental health support from CPN#2 and get back to working on the issues surrounding sexual abuse with lovely support worker.
The self harm thoughts are still very much present and my mood is still low but I do feel like I’ve got something off my chest now and I just keep telling myself that it’s Wednesday today, I only need to get through today and tomorrow and then I’ll have my CPN appointment and hopefully have a productive appointment for once. It would be nice to be able to write a bloggy post to say the appointment had gone well and that after all the moaning I have done about CPN#2, maybe now a little bit of progress could be made. I don’t know about you guys but I’m sick to death of moaning about the woman!!
So yes, I have a tiny glimmer of hope that after all of this time CPN#2 might finally be ready to listen to me rather than the other way round. I shall report back on Friday on how it went and try my hardest not to self harm again before I see her, and I guess that’s all we can do, take it one day at a time and keep on trying….
(P.S. Completely off topic – this was my 800th blog post!)