16:54 – In a pretty crappy place right now

24 Sep

So yeah, I spent the weekend getting drunk by myself. Sitting here pouring glass after glass of wine and drinking it at a ridiculous speed. I don’t know what I hoped to achieve by doing that, I guess I was trying to block shit out. However the reality was that I just got more and more depressed, my mood dropped a little further down with every gulp I took. I did a lot of crying which maybe wasn’t such a bad thing, maybe those emotions had to come out of me, but I’m still having emotional outbursts with no warning signs today.

I continued to self harm Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Despite being under the influence I seemed to manage to have some control over it as the cuts are reasonably superficial. I think I just kept reminding myself that if I just pushed down that little bit harder then it would be time to go back off to A&E again and I’m still sticking to my story with them that the stitches I’ve got were as a result of an accident and not self harming.

I am supposed to be going to get my stitches taken out today but I just feel so low and so miserable that I can’t face going out. I don’t suppose an extra day will make much difference, I’ve had times in the past where I just couldn’t face going to A&E and left stitches in a few more days than they were supposed to be in for. I was also supposed to go to an appointment with CPN#2 at 12:30 today – I got up at 9am and forced myself to go in for a shower, got dressed, sat and watched some TV, let the dogs out to do the toilet, then around 11am took my clothes back off and put my pj’s back on. Sat and watched 12:30 come and go, knowing that I should phone and least concoct some excuse for missing yet another appointment but my brain just seemed incapable of thinking so I didn’t attend and didn’t phone to apologise either.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I don’t find that I get any benefit from my appointments with CPN#2. In fact, I have worked with a number of CPN’s over the years and I’ve never really achieved much with any of them. The ones who have been good are the ones that haven’t stuck around for long. Typical really. So now I don’t know what to do – do I phone and leave a message for CPN#2 and make yet another appointment, drag myself along to it, sit there finding it no help whatsoever, make another appointment, repeat the process over and over again? Or do I somehow try to find the strength to be honest with her? I don’t know if I could do it face to face but the thought has crossed my mind that it might be an idea to write her a letter explaining why I’m not finding these sessions useful, therefore I either cancel them or just don’t attend.

My main problem with them is that CPN#2 likes to work in a very structured sort of way. I go in and she takes a sheet of paper that she calls the ‘agenda’ then asks me to pick two or three topics that I’d like to discuss during our session. If I go off at a little bit of a tangent she quickly pulls me straight back on topic by saying “this isn’t on our agenda, please stick to the agenda” which leaves me feeling like I’m being told off for trying to explain something. I don’t know if I’m explaining this very well? It’s like she wants our sessions to be like business meetings – have an agenda with a few bullet points – discuss them very specifically without really allowing any emotions to come into the conversation. Sometimes you need to go off at a little bit of a tangent to explain things better and when someone is sitting tapping their pen against their notebook it is extremely off putting. Then add to that her latest thing of propping her phone up on the middle of the table with the stopwatch app counting the minutes, constantly flashing, distracting me… yeah… it’s just not helpful.

I understand that she wants to use the sessions to get me to cover the basics of Compassion Focused Therapy until such time that I can see the psychologist again to learn it all in more detail, but surely I should be able/allowed to talk about how I’m feeling as well? Like if I had gone today there is just no way I could have told her about the self harming or about how low my mood has been/still is. We have absolutely no bond/no relationship/no therapeutic relationship/nothing. I cannot open up to her because I’m scared to mention anything that isn’t set on her little business agenda. So I end up not going to my appointments, not engaging with the mental health team, sitting and waiting for a letter to appear in my mail one day telling me she has discharged me as I don’t attend and she could be seeing someone else in my place. Part of me wishes she would just do that, but I carry on clinging to this little bit of hope that it won’t be too much longer now until I see the psychologist again and at least I know I can get along with her and work with her.

So here I am hiding indoors again. It’s now week three of my part time uni course and I haven’t even finished week one’s work. I sit and try to read, try to absorb it, try to understand it but it’s like there is an invisible mental block getting in the way and nothing sinks in. So I give up and tell myself I’ll try again tomorrow. But tomorrow comes and goes and I’m no further forward. At the moment there is still a chance I could catch up but for that to happen I need motivation. Right now I have no motivation at all. I just sit here and cry, cut myself a few more times, cry some more, never really getting anywhere. I can’t even go and sit on my (personal) facebook because I just cannot handle all these pregnancy announcements, baby announcements, baby talk in any way shape or form. Of course I know it’s something I can’t hide from forever but right now it’s all just too triggering for me. My mental state feels pretty fragile like the slightest thing will cause it to fall apart.

Although I fully intended to get drunk on Friday night I actually didn’t plan on repeating it on Saturday night. However, I popped up to see my parents to wish them a nice holiday (they left on Sunday morning and get back Monday next week) and just as I was leaving their phone started to ring. I saw on the caller display that it was my Aunt that I have nothing to do with these days (this is my Aunt who was the mother of my older cousin that abused me for years – he’s dead now for any new readers) and as soon as I saw her name flash up on the caller display I knew instantly what she was phoning for. My abuser cousin has a daughter who has been brought up by my Aunt as he couldn’t provide for her due to either being in prison or when he was out of prison he’d go straight back to his life of heroin and crack addiction. The mother of his daughter was also an addict. Despite who her parents were I still just looked at her like a little cousin and we used to be quite close until a couple of years ago when my stupid Aunt told her about the abuse. I had never wanted her to know about it but my Aunt is an alcoholic and doesn’t think about what she is saying half the time. So, the girl was about 14 at this point and of course she reacted to the news in a very angry way. She splattered messages all over my facebook and I made the decision to write her a long email explaining everything. I wrote about it on here and it was quite controversial to say the least – some people commented to say they thought I’d done the right thing – others said she was too young to have been told about it and that I shouldn’t have sent the email. But that’s all in the past now and sadly I haven’t spoken to her since.

My Mum told me several months ago that the girl is now 16 and pregnant. Firstly the fact that yet another person just accidentally got pregnant at the drop of a hat upset me. Secondly I convinced myself that she would have a little boy and name him after her father (as I think there is a bit of childhood idolising of him on her part even though he was never around as a father to her). I knew the baby was due in September and sure enough that was what my Aunt was phoning to tell my Mum. Thankfully she had a little girl. Even though I don’t see her any more or have any contact with her, I think it would have really got to me if she’d named an innocent little baby after the monster my abusing cousin was. But yeah, just hearing about yet another baby started making my head feel all bonkers so on the way back from my parents house I went and bought three bottles of wine and drank the lot over Saturday night and Sunday afternoon.

So that’s where I am at the moment. Alone, lonely, self isolating, unable to study, crying a hell of a lot, cutting myself, missing appointments and generally feeling extremely low. I have an appointment with my rape crisis support worker tomorrow which I’m going to make an effort to go to as she is pretty much the only person that I can just sit and be honest with at the moment. And if I make it to that appointment and get out of the house then maybe I’ll manage to get to A&E as well to have these stitches taken out. As for the rest of today and tonight I have absolutely no idea how they are going to pan out. If my mood stays like this then it looks like it’ll be yet another shitty night to try and get through. Truthfully I don’t feel 100% safe at the moment and I do feel a little bit worried about where this is all heading. But if I can just get through tonight in one piece then maybe tomorrow’s appointment with lovely support worker will help to calm my crazy brain down again.


10 Responses to “16:54 – In a pretty crappy place right now”

  1. Ang September 24, 2013 at 17:52 #

    Please, you have got to stop cutting! If you can just hold off for a day maybe the day after will get easier. You can set a goal to stop. You have worth and you deserve to treat yourself well. I have bipolar as well and the same urges sometimes but attending all my appointments really helps. I support you as I’m sure all your readers do! You can do it!

    • mycrazybipolarlife September 24, 2013 at 21:12 #

      I wish it were that easy. It’s second nature to cut when times are difficult, has been for 18 years. But maybe more than that I have to *want* to stop and I guess right now I don’t. I fear if I didn’t cut at the moment I would do something a whole lot worse. As for the appointments, the only reason I don’t go to that one is because I get no benefit from it, but I’m going to try to find the strength to be honest about that… I hope I can anyway… xx

  2. winningwithbipolar September 24, 2013 at 18:54 #

    HUGS! I think you could use many hugs.

    The CPN#2 sounds awful and not compassionate at all. More hugs! I think we all dislike the antiseptic-like professionals, and we’ve all experienced them.

    I have no advice. Just more hugs.

    • mycrazybipolarlife September 24, 2013 at 21:45 #

      Thanks for the hugs, you’re right I could do with some right now, sending some back at you as well… xx

  3. savemefrombpd September 24, 2013 at 21:06 #

    I feel for ya, I really do.

    I’ve been lonely and kinda screwed up in the old head and drinking nearly every day. Like you, same thing, to try and escape a bit at least. Ends up rather ugly most of the time.

    Self-harming, some of that too. But nothing for nearly several days. Unless you count getting pissed out of your head as self-harming woopsy!!

    CPN 2 can go sod off! What kind of behaviour is that!? Well done you’ve been seeing her even though she’d been doing this. I’d smash her iPhone off that table and say it’s an accident. Ha. I’m just being silly. But really, it doesn’t sound so great. (You should ask what her previous job was lol). But I don’t want to convince you and reinforce how you are feeling. From my experience, all I will say to you is maybe just be honest with her and tell her what’s on your mind. You don’t need to say about the pen tapping, but generally that you’re not sure you are gaining anything from your meetings. I learned that honestly is so so so important.

    Lots of other things to say but generally, I’m listening and we are, and supporting you.

    Try to keep things at a minimum with the alcohol and self-harm. I’m trying too. Not to say I won’t mess up, because we know how it all goes… But minimising is a good direction to be going in until we hopefully can stop this for the rest of our lives. Because we don’t deserve to hurt ourselves. QUITE THE OPPOSITE IN FACT.

    Much love x

    • mycrazybipolarlife September 24, 2013 at 21:44 #

      Thank you sweetie, I wish I could say more but my brain is like mush right now, I will reply properly when I can think a bit straighter, much love and hugs back at you xxx

  4. Carrie (@EscapingEntropy) September 26, 2013 at 02:56 #

    Hiya. I know this is hard to hear but the only way you’re going to get anywhere with the CPN#2 thing is to be honest about how unhelpful the appointments are. It can be difficult to accept that something isn’t helping and I know in the past I’ve kept attending appointments just because I thought ‘eventually’ it would help. It never did. I don’t think I’d find her approach useful either; how is having no time/space to talk about how you’re feeling ever going to be helpful? Odd. Maybe it has worked with some of her other clients and that’s why she’s working like that? She might see her role as a practical kind of support, rather than emotional. But surely as a CPN her role is both?

    Take care xx

    • Carrie (@EscapingEntropy) September 26, 2013 at 02:57 #

      Do you get much support from your college/uni? I’m with the Open University and have the option of a mental health mentor.

      • mycrazybipolarlife September 26, 2013 at 11:23 #

        I don’t get any mental health support through them but I do have a personal tutor who I can phone or email both about coursework and any personal problems. I think I’m going to have to make contact with her as I’m really struggling and behind with my work already x

    • mycrazybipolarlife September 26, 2013 at 11:27 #

      Yes I would have thought it should be both as well, emotional and practical, I don’t know why she works in the way she does it just makes no sense to me at all. Clearly she thinks working in a very structured manner is beneficial – maybe to her it is so she can tick off certain things on her list but for me it certainly isn’t. You’re right, somehow I’m going to have to be honest that these appointments just aren’t helping 😦

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