20:08 – Another day closer and in a real mess

15 Jun

I’m sitting here crying my eyes out, tears rolling down my cheeks. I have been feeling like I was about to break down at any second all day long but trying so hard to hide it. I managed to spend a couple of hours with best friend and the kids again this afternoon but just felt like I was a bit detached the whole time. I was there in person but my mind was somewhere else altogether.

Since I got home I’ve felt the anxiety building up inside me but did my best to ignore it. But then the tears started to well up in my eyes until I couldn’t see any more and with every blink they spill out down my face. Part of me wishes there was someone here to give me a hug and the other part just wants to be completely alone.

My head is a total mess. I am terrified beyond words of the HIV test results on Tuesday. I want to know and for it to be over with yet when I realise I’m another day closer I begin to completely freak out. Three more sleeps until I know. Utterly utterly terrified.

I don’t know if this emotional state I’m in just now is out of fear, I can’t really explain it as my thoughts aren’t very clear, they are all jumbled up, they are racing around too fast and I feel completely on edge. I’m chain smoking one cigarette after another and I feel sick to the very pit of my stomach. The only thing that makes things feel a little more bearable is pulling my knees up to my chest, cuddling them into me and rocking myself. The last time I remember feeling like this was in November 2010 when I was detained for the first time, sitting rocking on my bed, terrified that I had lost control and someone else would be deciding when I could leave the hospital again. Feeling so trapped and the agoraphobia sending the anxiety to crazy levels. That’s how I’m feeling again now.

Scared, terrified, anxious, emotional and all alone.





3 Responses to “20:08 – Another day closer and in a real mess”

  1. bpshielsy June 16, 2013 at 06:57 #

    Sorry you’re going through such a horrible time right now. Thinking of you and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for your test.

    Big blog hug!

  2. Perdita June 16, 2013 at 07:28 #

    Hey you know, it’s unlikely that you have it, and even if you did – HIV is not a death-sentence anymore. If you catch it before it turns into full-blown aids there are fantastic medicines that stop it from progressing. People with HIV now live healthy full-length lives, although have to stay on the medication for life. So TRY not to worry so much, you probably don’t even have it, and the chances of actually dying from it are REALLLYREALLY unlikely these days with current medication. You’ll be fine okay!! xxxoo

    • mycrazybipolarlife June 16, 2013 at 15:23 #

      Thank you both for the kind comments, I am trying not to think about it but the more I try the more I think… but hey I made it through another night and now have only two sleeps to go until I know for sure and hopefully (with a negative result) be able to stop all this craziness in my head xxx

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