[I’ve just come back and re-read this post a few hours after writing it. I didn’t realise quite how choppy and all over the place it was… sorry… I wanted to write something with some sort of meaning to it but I don’t think I managed it very well. Head is still an absolute mess – have an appointment with CPN#2 tomorrow – maybe it will calm a little after seeing her… again sorry for this post being a bit all over the place]
I haven’t written for a few days mainly because if I had then it would have been another pathetic ramble and moan about life. And you know me, never one to shy away from moaning about how crap this or that is… however over the past few days I have been trying to look at life from a different perspective… I’ve been thinking a lot about why bad things have to happen to good people.
I hope she doesn’t mind me writing this, but a few days ago a very close friend of mine found out that her Dad has terminal cancer. Obviously she has been extremely upset and through our conversations we have been asking so many questions, not just WHY?? but so many more about all the if’s, but’s and maybe’s; about how a person can prepare themselves for getting through this kind of horribly sad situation, about what she should do next, etc etc. I have been drawing upon my regrets that I feel with regards to losing my little boy – things like wishing I had just one photo of me and him together rather than just ones of him alone… I’ve been gently trying to persuade her to spend as much time as possible with her Dad to do as much as they can together so she at least won’t have those regrets. I know you can’t do everything but I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you can be strong enough then you can do things to change your memories, change the “last time I saw them we did….” and make it something happy – does that make sense??
Talking about cancer made me think again about last year, when I wrote about my Aunt being diagnosed with ovarian cancer and what a scary and sad time it was; how helpless I felt that I couldn’t even go visit because of the stupid agoraphobia; all I could do was send text messages that I hope gave her some comfort and kept her feeling positive. I felt so crap that every other family member could visit her and give her a hug and my hugs could only be through words on a phone. Thankfully after months of chemotherapy and some surgery she is now in a period of remission but it won’t be until she has been clear of cancer for five years until they can give the “all clear” so in the meantime we all just wait and hope (and pray).
Today I found myself back in that situation where I found out that someone who has been very supportive towards my mental health problems is not very well. I sent a text message because I wanted to let them know I was thinking of them, I just wanted to do or say something because that’s what you do when you hear sad news about someone you care about. But because I found out they were ill by complete accident I’m now a bit worried the text I sent may have left the person confused or even angry that I know.
So how do I know? My washing machine broke yesterday and I phoned my Mum for some advice on whether to get a second hand one and pay less money or whether to get a brand new one that would obviously be a lot more expensive but would be covered with warranties etc. When we were on the phone my Mum asked me if I’d heard this person wasn’t very well and I confirmed yes I knew that, but I didn’t know what was wrong with them. Mum said to me that one of her colleagues who has been supporting a family member with a mental illness for a long time sometimes talks to her because they know that my Mum supports me through my mental illness. Anyway, Mum’s colleague had been working closely with their family member and with the person who isn’t very well and because they had all been working closely they had been told what was wrong. Obviously my Mum knows I won’t go mentioning to anyone that I know, Mum said the only reason she was telling me was because she didn’t want me to find out from anyone else in case it upset me, because like I say, the person is someone who has been very supportive towards my mental health problems too.
So it was all a bit of an accident that I found out and I sent the person a text to let them know I was thinking of them and I hope it was received in the way it was intended. I hope they aren’t angry that I know. I don’t expect them to reply to me, just like I never expected my Aunt to reply to me, but I just wanted them to know they were in my thoughts.
Why do these bad things happen to good people? Bad things happen to me because I’m bad, I deserve bad things to happen to me but these people don’t!!
There was a series on recently in the UK called Derek (played by Ricky Gervais) and I absolutely loved it. Derek was a guy with some special needs but with an absolute heart of gold, he said things how he saw them and at times it was quite emotional, but the end of each program left you with a warm smile. The main twitter hashtag for the program was #KindnessIsMagic and this is one of my favourite most touching moments from the show:
These three people I’ve mentioned in this post all facing illness are all very kind people (well I’ve never met my friend’s dad but I’m very sure he is a kind man) and my Aunt is a very kind woman, and the other person I mention is so very kind as well. And I believe that kindness is magic, and maybe magic will make them better because they are all so kind. Some may roll their eyes at that and think ‘if only it were that simple’ but maybe it is? Well I really hope it could be true anyway. For them. They deserve it to be true. They deserve a little sprinkle of magic because they are such kind people. And though they may never read this post I hope they all know how inspiring they all are for so many different reasons.
I could go on and on but maybe I’ll just leave this post on a simple note for a change with yet another favourite quote from Derek:
She said ‘Kindness is magic, Derek. It’s more important to be kind than clever or good looking.’
“I’m not clever or good looking but I’m kind,” Derek says with tears streaming down his face.
It’s a sentence that embodies everything that is right with Gervais’ new show. Forgetting Derek’s naive nature for a moment, he’s right to believe this statement. Some might not agree. But Derek is right to believe.
And I want to believe too. Maybe we should all believe? That ‘Kindness IS Magic’ and the kindness these three people have shown in their lives will get them through the illnesses that they face. Maybe just by being kind we will reap rewards in the hard times that life throws at us… who knows… but I do know this much, it’s got to be worth a try.