23:37 – It’s not going good at all

14 Apr

[Warning – Graphic Descriptions of Self Harm in Post]

It’s just getting worse. Worse and worse. I feel really low and the only thought revolving around my head is to cut myself. I want to make it clear that I am NOT suicidal, I do NOT want to die, I just can’t distract myself from the constant flashes in front of my eyes of me doing something harmful to myself (or other people which is very out of character for me). The constant thoughts are about cutting mostly.

I sent an email to rape crisis support worker tonight and basically sent her the stuff I’ve written on here for the past couple of nights. She knows I write a blog but she isn’t very technical minded so I’m not worried about her coming across my ramblings here.

I have taken too much medication this evening but it was sort of by accident. Well it wasn’t really an accident at all, it was more a case of realising I’d forgotten to take ANY medication today so around 8pm I just took my full day and full night’s tablets in one. I thought maybe a big surge of medication in my system might make everything feel much less fucked up but I just feel a little groggy… This could be a good thing as it might mean I will sleep tonight. It would help a lot if I could get a full 7 or 8 hours uninterrupted sleep.

Back to the self harming. The cutting. Male voice is very prominent and has insulted every single thing I’ve done today. He has a broad Scottish accent and whilst I haven’t seen him I have an idea of what he might look like from how he talks and certain little quirks that he has. I am a bit scared of this next impending self harm episode because he wants me to leave marks that will be even harder to explain, he wants me to draw certain symbols into my flesh with blades, he wants me to cut so deep I can truly see the inside of my body… not just some yellow globule like bits of flesh but proper muscle, bone and tendon. I’m not going to lie, that does actually scare me a little. I am well aware that it doesn’t take that much of a slip of the hand to do permanent irreversible damage but the urges, the orders, the ideas… they are all sucking me in.

I’ve done so well to have only had a couple of slip ups in the past year and I most certainly do not ever want to re-visit the place I was in a few years ago. I’m genuinely terrified of the psych hospital and genuinely scared of how I would react if I was ever faced with that situation again.

Anyway… I’m sorry it’s not been a more cheery post… I did send an email to my support worker at rape crisis earlier and she replied saying all nice and supportive things but male voice just laughed loudly throughout the whole time I was trying to read. He knows he’s going to win and I know he’s going to win. The only plan I can have is to somehow try and very much limit the damage so it’s only one more scar to deal with… if he has it his way I won’t even be able to see the flesh on my limbs he wants that much of my ugliness cut away.

I wonder how many hours/days/weeks it will take before I reach the point of doing ANYTHING to shut him up once and for all.

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3 Responses to “23:37 – It’s not going good at all”

  1. crazyaboutbipolar April 16, 2013 at 00:10 #

    You seem to be doing all of the right things – please keep in touch with your support worker, and please keep writing. Tell the guy with the Scottish accent to remove himself from your head, you don’t have room for him anyway. And maybe keep notes to yourself each time you take your meds so you know when you’ve taken them – it’s so easy to lose track. No double dipping! You can’t make up for time lost with medication – simply take your next dose as scheduled and move forward. I’m going to check in on you and make sure you’re doing ok. Don’t stop writing. It will keep you grounded.
    Good luck.

  2. Kimberly M (@momgosomething) April 16, 2013 at 14:38 #

    I really wish that I could reach across this screen and give you a huge hug.
    I relate to this all too well. It’s a horrible, horrible place to be in. Know that there are so many people here to support you. You’re a beautiful soul and are a lot stronger than you think you are.
    Keep writing…and we will listen and support you. xo

  3. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) April 16, 2013 at 23:20 #

    The foremost thing is that you WANT to live. But of course, the other problems are extremely tough and the suffering is a lot.

    Nice to hear from you and I really wish you some relief xx

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