19:25 – It’s all muddled up

1 Mar

Voices, thoughts and ideas have all been racing through my head since I woke up this morning. I didn’t sleep very well last night even though I took my medication properly. I’ve been feeling pretty messed up all day today and because my head has been all over the place I’ve just stayed in using the excuse of having to do some studying so I didn’t need to go out anywhere other than to walk the dogs. Of course I didn’t actually get any studying done at all because my concentration is completely gone and I don’t know how to get it back.

My head feels very muddled at the moment. I don’t know how to describe it but it’s kind of like I know something is going to happen but I don’t know when or what. I have this sensation of some kind of impending doom but I don’t have specific details of what it is that I’m afraid is going to happen. But it feels like something bad. Taking my medication last night and again this morning has quietened the direct commands and instructions but my thoughts are still racing around really fast, jumping from one thing to the next and then onto something else like I can’t seem to stay focused on just one thing. So as everything chops and changes I get nothing done, the voices make no sense because they aren’t speaking in full sentences just a few words then stopping. Things aren’t connecting properly and I’m left with a completely pickled brain.

I don’t know if I prefer it more the way things have been over the past few days when I wasn’t taking my meds properly but was seeing and hearing things much more clearly or if I prefer this slowed down speed but all totally mixed up. I think (well I know because they told me) that the chitter chatter voices are angry with me for saying too much on here and for saying too much to lovely support worker yesterday. I try to make a deal with them that I won’t say anything more about what they ask of me on here or to anyone. I promise them I will keep it all private then after some amount of mocking and warnings and telling me I’m a failure and how I betrayed them until they finally quieten down again. Then as soon as my head quietens with voices my thoughts and all these ideas start whirling round one after the other after the other.

So needless to say today I have achieved nothing. Zero. Zilch.

Blah it’s all such a mess. And right now these feelings of some kind of impending doom that I’m having are actually quite unfamiliar to me because usually when I feel like something bad is going to happen it’s more like a pressure cooker that builds up over the hours, days and/or weeks until the lid finally blows. But it doesn’t feel like that, it feels massively confusing while everything is going fast and not making sense. Then things go slow but leave me depressed, tearful, filled with dread – about what I don’t know.

It’s just all muddled up and my mind is crazy. But the craziness begins to speak the truth, just a truth I’ve never realised before, but then people say that the truth is craziness and what does that do? Muddle me up even more. I am so confused and nothing is making much sense at the moment.

What I need is some proper quiet time for my brain to just relax, but I really think that is asking for the impossible at the moment.


3 Responses to “19:25 – It’s all muddled up”

  1. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) March 1, 2013 at 20:43 #

    I hope that you have a relaxing nice weekend. I certainly have the same thing planned. Hoping that some rest and proper sleep will start me off better for next week.

    I so want to give you advice but I’ve never had the same as you so it’s difficult to know what to advise. What about possible med changes? Like in dosage or something and something else to help your sleep.

    Maybe you can try writing a personal diary and because it’s just for you, maybe you’ll feel better than it not being shared with us all. You can then talk about more of your actual thoughts and what these voices say to you.

    In any case, I hope you feel at least a bit better and stable very soon. Xx

  2. Carrie O'Beirne March 2, 2013 at 09:49 #

    Are you having any cbt that may help?

    • mycrazybipolarlife March 5, 2013 at 20:23 #

      No not at the moment. I used to see a psychologist and she wanted me to work on the Compassionate Mind program with her but at the time my life was way too chaotic and self destructive to even contemplate being compassionate towards myself… and by the time things got stable enough for me to stay out of hospital the psychologist had gone on maternity leave. She comes back next month and I’m hoping to be able to work with her again then… maybe with a little more success this time round.

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