I had an appointment at 1pm today with my lovely support worker from Rape Crisis. I ended up telling her some of what I wrote about last night. I didn’t tell her much, pretty much the same as what I wrote on here but she seemed to get quite concerned. I was trying to coherently explain the reasoning for everything in my head but I don’t know if I just ended up sounding bonkers.
She challenged everything the voices told me and their logic which meant me feeling a bit mixed up. She got me to admit to her that since waking up and feeling so messed up on Sunday that I haven’t really been taking my medication properly. It’s just because I want to hear and feel and see everything properly like in high definition or something. And the meds make me feel slowed down and I get mixed up half way through sentences and generally make me feel a bit stupid and my brain like mush. So I’ve been skipping morning doses so that I can wake up properly and do all that is being asked of me. I’ve skipped a couple of evening doses as well which might be why I’ve not been sleeping so great. I thought it was just because I had a lot going on swirling around in my head.
Before leaving the appointment she asked me to please not do anything to myself and to phone the CMHT and ask lovely social worker for an appointment. She also suggested that the three of us get together and just talk about where we’re at with things, maybe that would be a good idea, I don’t know. So I got an appointment with lovely social worker for Tuesday. It will be nice to see her again but equally I’m scared because since leaving the appointment with lovely support worker today the chitter chatter have been pretty angry with me, telling me I said way too much today and it’s all because of my big fucking mouth, that’s what causes so much trouble. It should be wired shut! This is why they want me not to be able to talk any more so that I don’t spend an hour in a support session voicing what they are telling me. I should be keeping everything they say private! Instead I’m now going to have three appointments next week with lovely social worker on Tuesday, lovely GP on Wednesday and lovely support worker on Thursday. I seriously need to learn silence or create silence this weekend, I can’t go on telling them things like the way I did today.
So yes, they have been troubling me quite a lot this evening. Around 5.30pm I was starting to get desperate for them to be quiet. Where has all the nice stuff that they were telling me just a few days ago gone? Why is it all commands and demands now? I needed some peace inside my head so I did try and do something that would make them happy but just after I started I kept freezing like I was unsure whether or not I should really do it. It’s so hard when they are screaming yes and there is only this tiny little whisper of a voice saying ‘no, don’t do it’. So I started and then I stopped with minimal damage occurring. Then my phone began to ring and I got distracted for a little while talking to lovely social worker. It was nice to speak to her but afterwards the chitter chatter started up loudly again telling me they had already warned me about saying too much. And that kind of upset me then because the trust I have with lovely support worker and lovely social worker is huge and they have both been so good with helping me and never judging me and I want to be able to tell them things. But the noise in my head gets louder and louder until I’m distressed and pacing around or just sitting here crying because I feel as though I can’t cope any more with all this confusion.
This evening I have been reading a lot to do with religion, more specifically trying to find out if there is a way I can test that these messages coming from a higher power and the others telling me how to please this higher power are real. Like is there a way to test them? I’ve been reading a lot of interesting articles about knowing whether or not it is really God speaking to you and I’m still very much convinced it is either Him or a couple of messengers he has sent that I am hearing. As for the two things they want me to do, well I don’t know, like I said I did start to do one of them earlier but something made me stop before any real damage was done. What’s hard is to ignore the amazing miracle gift they tell me I will receive when I obey them. I don’t want to be greedy but I’d like that gift so very much. They tell me it’s only a matter of time until I will back down and just do it. Maybe they are right. They certainly seem to talk a lot of sense to me even if it does mess my head up a bit.
I am going to take my medication tonight just to quieten them down a notch or two. I know I need to try and get some proper sleep tonight because I am starting to get very tired. I’ve lost count of the amount of times they have criticised me for saying too much today and to be honest they’re still at it just now. Even though I’ve spent all evening trying to understand why they want me to obey them so badly and even trying to make deals with them that if they can just prove it a little tiny bit to me that I really will be rewarded in the manner that they promise then just to show me and I would believe them there and then, no more doubts.
But just because I have some niggling doubts at the moment I would still love to think I really could be rewarded with miraculous things.
In the meantime I leave you with a couple of lovely songs (as usual I prefer to read the lyrics)