14:53 – Maybe obeying the voices does help…

17 Feb

I’m sitting here yawning away to myself and trying to do some studying but I’m too easily distracted and unable to concentrate properly due to being so tired. Last night was another night of going to bed at 1am and being back up just before 8am this morning. When I have problems sleeping six or seven hours sounds like utter bliss, but when my body is actually letting me have deep sleeps I could really do with an extra couple of hours. But I have to go with Charlie dog’s food and medication schedule so I force myself out of bed at 7.45am and get the day started!

Yesterday I managed to get some studying done. Not as much as I’d hoped but I’ve managed to do a couple of hours this morning as well and have now completed week two’s work. I’ve just opened the course material for week three and the first thing I have to do is read a 112 page document about family structures and then another 40 page document about socio-demographic changes in childhood and family life. I don’t even know where to start! And I hate reading documents and reports that are over about 10 pages long on a screen but I don’t have a printer at home. Maybe my parents would let me print off both documents at their house if they have a spare 160 sheets of paper and enough ink! It’s so much easier to have it written in front of you so you can draw all over it with highlighter pens!

So my goal for today is to read the smaller 40 page report and make some notes and try to at least get through the introduction and part one of the big report. That will be a good 60 pages of reading and note taking and if I can get that done today I’ll be a happy bunny. However week four’s work starts tomorrow and this is me just beginning week three’s work and I have no idea how long it’s going to take me to read these reports in full, make notes and then send my summaries of the reports to the course tutor. And I just had a look ahead to see how much work there was to do in week four and it’s another really heavy workload. Argh. I really think they told some lies when they said part time study was approximately 10 hours per week, at the moment it’s more like 10 hours a day and that’s only doing one module… I have no idea how the full time students manage to do three modules at a time!

We all got an email a couple of days ago telling us about an online student mentoring program that they run. There are quite a few mentors who are doing the same course as me but they are in their 3rd or 4th year and the idea is they can give 1st and 2nd year students a little bit of extra help to understand the course material and help you to plan your studies in advance and things like that. So I’m thinking that could be something that would help me, even though I’m only doing this one module this semester and obviously I can get help from the course tutor as well but I don’t want to be emailing the tutor everyday with questions and driving her mad!

So besides being a bit stressed out knowing I’ve got so much reading to do and still panicking a little about being able to catch up with my studies, actually I’m not feeling too bad. Last weekend I was so stressed and so emotional with everything that was going on and this weekend things are a little stressful but also calmer. I am starting to allow myself to believe that Charlie might just be on the road to recovery now *touchwood* and that is a huge relief. But the past couple of weeks of him being so ill and nearly losing him has taught me just how precious my two little dogs are to me. I can see now what a massive part of my life they are and the love I have for them is just like the love they have for me: unconditional. They don’t judge me for having a body covered in scars just like I’ll never judge Charlie dog for his big scar and funny looking tummy – in a sense they are both our own battle wounds.

I guess you could say that the circumstances that have caused so much stress and distress over recent weeks have now improved but I am still hearing chitter chatter in my head, to be honest pretty much all of the time. And I don’t know if it’s because I listened while they were angry and screaming at me to bare my soul to Christ… I listened and eventually I started to pray and the more I continue to pray on a daily basis the happier the voices are with me. Don’t get me wrong, if I am given orders and I choose to ignore them then they will just get louder and make me suffer. But so long as I listen and obey then all is OK… And for the moment I have no thoughts of wanting to do anything to harm myself because I’m trusting the voices are going to guide me in the right direction.

I am very much being drawn towards religion and having a faith at the moment and I also really want to go to church. My problem is that I have a mix of Christianity and Spiritualist and New Age beliefs, but I don’t believe everything someone of Christian faith would and I don’t believe everything a spiritualist would either. I believe in spiritual healing, I believe there is no hell, I believe in a Heaven and I believe there is a God. I believe in an afterlife. I struggle to believe the Bible fully but also have scepticism over those who claim to be ‘mediums’ – although I do believe that some people have the gift to connect with the spirit world. So I’m left feeling a bit confused. My plan had been to start going to a Christian faith church on a Sunday morning and to start going to the spiritualist church on a Monday evening and just see if either of them feel “right”. I guess that’s the only way I’m going to know for sure, it’s just a little daunting going by myself.

Right I think I’ve rambled on for long enough now, I can’t believe it’s almost 3pm, the day is flying by and I still have so much stuff to do. The dogs are due another walk around about now so I’m hoping fifteen minutes of fresh air will perk me up a bit so I can come back home, do Charlie’s medications and then get stuck into one of these lovely big reports I have to read. I’m still so tired and I think it’s going to be a real struggle to stay awake through until midnight then up again early tomorrow and a check up at the vets at 11am for Charlie dog. It’s all go go go!

I hope you’re all having a nice weekend xx

 

 

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2 Responses to “14:53 – Maybe obeying the voices does help…”

  1. meandmymentalhealth February 19, 2013 at 05:35 #

    Hey,

    I just really wanted to say hi and to thank you for writing, I can relate to a fair bit of what you write, particularly with regards the self harm and the way services react when you manage not to do it for a while. Also, don’t worry if you notice a lot of hits on your blog over the last few days, I sorta went back to the start (well the start of the non passworded ones) and read through so it was probably just me working my way through. I hope your right that Charlie is on the road to recovery, it certainly sounds like you’re doing a good job looking after him! Anyway, take care of yourself and thanks again for your blog xxx

    • mycrazybipolarlife February 19, 2013 at 20:11 #

      Hi!

      Yeah I did notice there was quite a lot of hits the other day lol… Charlie is doing really well thanks 🙂 I shall head over and have a nosey at your blog soon. Thanks again for commenting xx

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