Today started off with me being stressed out from the moment I opened my eyes. My mobile phone was ringing and it was only about 8.30am but then I noticed it was the vets calling so answered it straightaway. She was phoning me with some bad news – she’d been having a feel of Charlie dog’s stomach and could feel what felt like a hernia – so she was phoning to tell me he needed operating on immediately. I was so worried, it was still within 72 hours of his major surgery on Tuesday afternoon and still very much in the danger zone and they were going to have to cut him back open and operate again.
I just lay there in bed crying and cuddling into my other little dog. These past 7 days since he got really poorly have been so stressful and after he had looked so well yesterday it really felt like one step forward two steps back. But thanks to his amazing vet the operation went well and she said that what had happened was a couple of his internal stitches had pulled open and a bit of bowel was poking through but she said it was easy enough just to put some new stitches in internally and then used staples externally. I went to see him at 5pm and he was a little bit tired with the painkillers and from the anaesthetic but he seemed happy to see me and his tummy looked a lot better, it was really swollen the last couple of days but after operating again it was much flatter.
So… if he is well enough to come off his IV antibiotics and fluids tomorrow and manages to take his medications in tablet form (hidden in his food!) then she said I could bring him home for a couple of hours in the afternoon if I want to see how he gets on. But I told her I was really scared because every time something has started going wrong with him it’s all happened pretty suddenly and I’m also scared that if I bring him home for a couple of hours then take him back to the vets to sleep there overnight that it will confuse him. And even though I know the vet wouldn’t be saying I could bring him home if she didn’t think he was ready I’m worried he’s not quite strong enough yet. But we’ll see how things go tomorrow.
I’ve had another busy-ish day today. I need to stay busy at the moment because as soon as I sit down and have nothing to distract me my head starts going bonkers – worrying about everything and then the thoughts start to race and then my head gets all busy and noisy and I end up feeling like I’m about to fall apart… so I have to keep doing things. Whilst I was waiting to hear back from the vet on how Charlie’s operation had gone I went to see lovely social worker and took along the work capability form to get some help with it. It was nice to see her and have a little chat, I’m glad that even though I don’t work with her any more she will still give me help with things like these forms when I need it, and to be fair she probably still knows me better than any of the other people I’ve worked with/work with.
After I left the CMHT I did intend to come home and have a shower seeing as I haven’t had one in about 3 days. But it’s now almost 11pm and I still haven’t had one because best friend phoned me when I was on my way home and asked to meet up for a little while. So I ended up meeting up with her then we went out to her Mum’s for a bit, then we went for a drive and we had a good chat which was nice. Her kids are away to stay with their Dad for the weekend so it was nice to have the peace to be able to talk to her and tell her how stressed out I was feeling and how sad I was feeling about not being able to go to my cousin’s wedding tomorrow. The afternoon went by pretty fast and before I knew it it was 5pm so we went to see Charlie at the vets for a little while then decided to go and get some takeaway food and go back to hers for a while. While we were waiting on our food I heard a man shout “fucking whore” but there was only me, best friend and one other woman in there. Then I heard it again but it sounded closer, louder, clearer. And I started to feel extremely anxious because I just knew that I was the only person hearing it. Why the fuck does my head need to be so shitty and cruel? Am I not dealing with enough at the moment without yet another voice to deal with as well? When we got back to best friend’s house it had changed from “fucking whore” to “I’ve pissed on that” when I opened my food. So I couldn’t eat it and it went in the bin. I tried not to let best friend see that something was wrong and just said I didn’t really have much of an appetite. The last thing I wanted to say to her was “I’m hearing a voice telling me he’s pissed on my food” whilst she was trying to enjoy her dinner… plus she worries that I’ll end up doing something like self harming if the voices start to make me feel distressed. So it was easier just to keep it to myself.
I think it was about 8.30pm when I left hers and came home. I’ve been trying to stay distracted watching the soaps on TV and hanging washing up and playing games on Facebook. For the moment my head feels quieter and I’m feeling quite tired so I think I’m going to take my medication and a couple of sleeping tablets then go and stand in a hot shower until the yawns start. Then I’ll get myself off to bed. I don’t want to lie in bed tossing and turning and overthinking everything – I really need a proper night’s sleep tonight.
So… fingers crossed Charlie dog has a good night and hopefully there will be no scary phonecalls tomorrow morning. I’m not sure what I’m going to do to stay distracted all weekend, I really really need to do some studying as I’ve done none all week and am going to end up really behind, but it’s just so hard to concentrate at the moment. OK before I start to ramble again I’m going to say goodnight and go for a shower.