After my last blog post on Wednesday I went to my appointment with my support worker. It was a good session with plenty of talking and listening however I had a few moments during it where she was trying to tell me why something we were talking about was not my fault, cue the giggle and a loud whisper in my head
“she’s talking shit, you fucking deserved it alright”
Then I’d lose my concentration for a moment and forget what we were talking about. She’d go back to talking about why this particular incident wasn’t my fault and start asking me if I had a child standing in front of me telling me that these things were happening to them would I blame them? Would I say “sorry but yes you’re right, it was your fault” ??
I shook my head and said no, of course not. That a child is never to blame. But then I tried to explain that for me it is easier to believe I was abused because I did something bad to deserve it than to try and comprehend that I was innocent. Innocent up to and during the point when someone who was supposed to love me as family became evil and twisted enough to do those things to me when I was just a child. And then, of course, if you are abused again as an adult, then it is even easier to say “it was my fault, I deserved it, I was bad” than to accept I could actually just have been that unlucky for it to happen by more than one person.
But support worker said at the end of the session that she did see a little glimpse of progress, as for the first time, I opened my mind to accept there could have been other reasons why I was abused other than simply because I was bad or deserved it. And whilst I might not really believe those other reasons right now, I can accept they are plausible ones. (Well for other people anyway).
So Wednesday was a bit of a hectic day with seeing lovely GP and seeing support worker and I had lots of thoughts swirling around my head for the remainder of the day.
Thursday, Friday and Saturday have passed in a bit of a haze. I’ve been taking the increased dose of 750 mg Quetiapine for 4 days now and other than my mouth being dry and feeling slightly clumsy and a bit disconnected at times I’ve not really noticed any other side effects. Unfortunately the urges to self harm just don’t seem to want to calm down and they are pretty much constant. I think I have fought the fight against doing it for long enough now, it is obvious the only way they are going to stop is if I act on them. But I so don’t want to end up needing stitches or anything so if I do it then I need to try and release all these crazy head urges superficially.
Sorry, a bit of a pointless ramble seems to be what I needed to write down. My thoughts feel all choppy, quickly going from one to another to another. It’s hard to stay focused or concentrate when your thoughts drift so fast. There is no way I will be able to do my part time university course if I can’t control my thoughts. And I only have about a week or so before I start back. I need to get my head together.
I just don’t know how to do it.