This is my 700th blog post (wow that’s a lot of ramblings!), so what better than to use it to wish you all a happy Christmas 🙂
Today has been a mix of emotions for me, I woke up at 8am and went through waves of anxiety and panic through until 2pm when I finally decided to put myself into a shower. I put some nice clothes on, straightened my hair, even put some make up on then got all my presents and the dogs and went to my parents for 4pm.
I took some Diazepam in the morning but they were wearing off by this point. Thankfully I always have a spare strip in my bag so after taking another couple on arrival at my parents house I began to calm down a little again and enjoy the giving and receiving of presents. I’ve already had more than enough from them (a new jacket a few weeks ago and all the help with my new flooring and helping me get my flat looking like a home again) so I really wasn’t expecting anything else! But I got some new pyjamas (fleecey ones that are sooo warm and snug!) and some chocolates. My brother got me a beautiful silver bracelet with angel wings on it 🙂 His girlfriend got me a hand made purple cushion to sit on my bed with a little felt dog on it that’s so cute! And the dogs were spoiled rotten, I have enough treats in the cupboard to last them about a month!
My Mum loved her little Radley bag and her perfume that I got her. My Dad got aftershave and chocolates. My brother just wanted cash and I got his girlfriend a toy Husky dog (she loves them!) and it’s so adorable, she loved it! I also got her a little set of lipglosses in her favourite colours and she seemed really happy with them so the presents giving and receiving bit was nice and was probably the only part of the day where I felt genuinely calm for a little while.
We had a quiet but lovely Christmas dinner, pulled a cracker each, wore our paper hats and had a glass of champagne. Even the dogs each got a bowl of turkey and roast potatoes (told you they get spoiled!) But after a couple of hours the anxiety was back again and I excused myself while I went outside for a cigarette and popped out another couple of Diazepam. But the thoughts kept telling me to leave and by 7.30pm I couldn’t relax at all and was starting to feel paranoid that people were noticing so I just said I was tired out and wanted to come home and snuggle up in my new pj’s and watch some TV. I said my goodbye’s and came home and got curled up on the sofa with a glass of wine. I feel less anxious now I’m back home and I know that the big build up to Christmas day is now all over and done with for another year.
So yeah I’m finally beginning to relax a little, I’m so glad the day is nearly over with. Now just to get through New Year when all my head can think about is the complete negativity of it all: entering yet another new year where my head is still a mess, where I’m still not particularly stable, when I’m still on medication, when I’m still single. The thought of another year like this one or the one before or the one before that just makes me want to give up on everything and say enough is enough.
I want to keep on living but I don’t want to keep on fighting. It gets so tiring. I went to the cemetery just for ten minutes after leaving my parents house tonight. It was so dark but I couldn’t come home knowing I hadn’t visited my angel, I got so choked up and could barely say ‘happy christmas little man’ through the tears.
I just need to get myself through tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Next week is a new week. One day at a time. Baby steps.
Happy Christmas everyone, I hope your day’s have all passed gently and maybe even with some smiles or laughs along the way. I’ll end my 700th post with my joke from my cracker: ‘Where do you send a sick elf? …. To the Elf Centre!’ I’m sure you’re laughing as much as I was *rolls eyes*!
* cheers everyone *