16:08 – Struggling. Again.

22 Dec

I forgot to mention in my last post that I shouldn’t be so stressed about Christmas as things had changed around a bit for this year. For the past couple of years I have spent Christmas morning with best friend and my little ‘nephews’ so she didn’t need to give them their presents alone and so I didn’t have to spend Christmas morning alone. This has proved to be both a good and bad thing. Good because I do enjoy watching the little ones opening all their presents and the big smiles on their faces; bad because it’s like I’m being tortured minute-by-minute as each present they unwrap just makes me all the more aware that I am never going to get these moments as a Mummy to my little boy… Never going to see his little face all excited seeing Santa had come… And it hurts a lot that I will never ever be able to change that.

In February it will be six years since my little boy was born an angel and went off to Heaven, I truly thought it would get easier, but it just doesn’t. And Christmas is supposed to be that time of year when families all get together and it’s like every family event that takes place reminds me that someone very special is always going to be missing 😦

Anyway, best friend phoned on Wednesday to tell me that her ex had phoned and asked if he could have the boys for Christmas this year. She was reluctant at first but in the end decided to agree. So the plan was for the boys to go to their Dad’s on Thursday and stay until the 26th, so they will love it as they will get all their presents from Santa on Christmas Day at their Dad’s then the next day will be back home and get all the presents that Santa has left there – so two Christmas Day’s in a row – I’m sure they will be spoiled rotten from everyone! So as it was all a bit sudden as the boys Dad was getting them the very next day and then when they come back their grandparents want to spend the day with them opening their presents back home so I decided I would just take mine out to them on Wednesday night. They both loved their toys and gave me big cuddles and kisses which was nice 🙂 In a way I’m glad it all turned out this way because it is one less thing to stress about on Christmas Day, although it also means that I’ll be waking up and spending Christmas morning alone which isn’t so nice…

After that I came home shattered and wrote my last blog post which was all about whether or not I would manage to sleep in my bed for the first time in ten months due to this huge psychological barrier I have built around my bedroom. And well, the sleeping in a bed thing is slowly beginning to happen. The first night I took my laptop through with me and lay on the bed and watched a film. When it finished I decided I was going to try to get into the bed properly and close my eyes, but as I was getting undressed I started to feel the anxiety building up inside of me. I didn’t want to feel the anxiety and I was so tired after a few days of moving every item of furniture in my flat back and forth between rooms. So the first night resulted in me coming back through to the living room and lying on the sofa, trying to just breathe my way through the panicking feelings and after a while I calmed down and fell asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night freezing cold as I had no blanket and realised both my little dogs were lying on top of my blanket, curled up and sound asleep. So I got up and went through to the bedroom, tried to make no big deal of it and just climb in and get snuggled up. I hoped I would go straight back to sleep but it was as if someone suddenly flicked a switch and I found myself wide awake and thoughts beginning to race through my head. Short but fast flashes went through my head of all the bad moments that had taken place in that room and after about an hour of this I was just getting myself into a mess so I got back up and went back to the sofa.

At this point I decided to take some Diazepam to try and just calm myself down. I couldn’t get back to sleep so decided to put another film on with the hope that if I picked one that you really need to concentrate on, that my brain would just give up and let me sleep instead. I got about ten minutes into the film and was yawning again so I made one last attempt at going and lying on the bed and watching the film. At some point I fell asleep although it was only for a couple of hours until the postman knocked the door and woke me up at 8.30am. So the first night wasn’t a very great success.

The second night (Thursday night) was very similar to the first night except I decided to take some Diazepam about half an hour before I wanted to try and sleep to see if I could take the edge off the anxiety a little. I thought this was working as again I lay on the bed and began watching a film and I felt OK. But as soon as the film finished and there was silence again I felt the overwhelming urge to escape out of the bedroom and run back to the sofa where I sat up most of the night watching crap on TV until finally being so exhausted around 4 or 5am and deciding I would just go and lie on the bed and put yet another film on. And again I didn’t manage to get into the bed but did get 3 or 4 hours sleep laying on top of it before hearing the post come through and that was me back up again for the day.

Yesterday (Friday) I was getting very tired after only having about 6-8 hours sleep in the previous 48 hours and my lovely Mum came to help me make the little finishing touches to my bedroom – hanging my new curtains and new light-shade – then she took me to the supermarket and bought me some food in after noticing my fridge was empty. The supermarket was a nightmare with so many people in doing Christmas shopping. I could feel myself becoming so irritable as it was taking forever to dodge trolleys and having people banging in to me and then the queues at the checkout’s were just crazy. It took the best part of an hour just to get two bags of shopping and I left the supermarket feeling so stressed out there was probably steam coming out my ears!!

Finally around 7pm I sat down and had some dinner, watched some TV for a few hours and then before I knew it it was midnight so I took my medication and then took the dogs out for their bedtime walk. When I got back home I tucked the dogs up in their big blanket. They have been so good and seem quite happy to sleep in a different room to me, I think so long as they’re together and nice and warm they are happy 🙂

Then I took my laptop through to the bedroom to put yet another film on. When it finished I was really struggling to keep my eyes open so I closed them and just laid there. I remembered something that the lovely social worker I used to work with often said to me, it was about letting the thoughts run through your head and not fighting them, not trying to stop them, just being aware of them and letting them run until they pass. I guess in a kind of mindful manner. And I tried very very hard to do this but the thoughts got me into such an anxious mess again and for the third night in a row they won and I was up and down all night long.

Today (Saturday) I am getting really exhausted now but I’m going to keep trying to sleep in my bed. Eventually the exhaustion will take over and when that point comes I will be like a small child on the program Supernanny who has to be taken repeatedly back to their own bed until that point finally comes where they fall asleep in it and remain asleep all night. I am determined not to let myself lay down at all on the sofa just in case I fall asleep. I know any sleep is probably better than none but I am adamant that when that severe exhaustion takes over it will be my bed that I sleep in, not the sofa. I have to overcome this and keep fighting it.

There was something else that I wanted to talk about that was probably a lot more important than rambling on for about 500 words about where and when I’ve slept… my brain is a bit pickled just now… Anyway I wanted to talk/moan about the CMHT (community mental health team). Now they have recognised and identified that Christmas is a particularly hard time of year for me and new CPN said at our last appointment that she was going to give me an appointment for Monday (Christmas Eve) and the following Monday (New Year’s Eve) so I had weekly support and on the days before the ‘big’ days that are likely to be in some way triggering for me. But I got a phone call on Monday saying new CPN had phoned in sick and now no-one has called me back all week so I don’t have an appointment now on Monday and I’m worried about how I will cope if I have to get through the Christmas and New Year week’s with no support. I can’t even see my support worker from Rape Crisis because they are closed now til the 7th of January. The CMHT know this is the time of year I am most likely to harm myself or end up being admitted to hospital and they say they will help to make sure that doesn’t happen this year and then they don’t contact me to offer me any form of support. Even if new CPN is still off sick it would be nice if someone made contact with me even if it was just to ask me if I thought I would be OK over Christmas with no appointments. But of course that didn’t happen.

Anyway I have rambled on for long enough. I’m tired, my head is a little noisy, I’m feeling quite alone and unsupported from a ‘professional’ point of view but then my lovely Mum has been trying so hard to support me. And I am so extremely grateful to her, she has helped me so much and tried so hard these past couple of weeks to help me get my flat looking presentable again and make my environment a happier place to be… but it’s the ‘mental’ things I’m struggling with and find them hard to talk to my parents or friends about. Plus I feel massively guilty to talk about how much I still want to self harm badly when I’ve got someone who is doing everything they can to make things better and a little less stressful for me. How can I still want to do all these bad things when someone is trying so hard to make things good for me? It doesn’t make sense. I am still doing the blood letting stuff with syringes but I think it’s the pain I need to feel rather than the blood I need to see as it isn’t giving the same feelings of release as it was a week or two ago.

Fuck. I really wish I could be a better daughter to them.

I really do.

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One Response to “16:08 – Struggling. Again.”

  1. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) December 23, 2012 at 18:09 #

    I’m with you my friend. You are not alone.

    I’m so sorry to read about all of your pain and upset but (this is coming from me) I truly believe in you and ALL of us. We need to stay strong and keep up the fight.

    Sending you hugs xx

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