19:59 – I can’t write

3 Dec

Writing is something I do as if on auto pilot. I don’t profess to be any good at it but it’s like I come here to write down all my little brain scribbles. No matter if I’m in the pits of despair and desperation or at the other end of the scale bouncing from walls in some type of hypo/mania I can always write. Even when I didn’t have my laptop all the months then weeks that I was in hospital I physically wrote in actual diaries. It helped me make sense of what was going on in my life even if it would take me a full day to put a 200 word post together. Sometimes I have written utter nonsense and sometimes I feel like I expressed myself so much better through writing than I ever could verbally. But now? I can’t write.

I am on my final week of this university module. I must submit a long and very detailed essay by the end of this week. I managed to put a half-hearted essay plan together, made some bullet points and wrote the general shape I wanted the essay to take. But then came the blank screen and no words would come out. I have sat with this same blank screen for around 4 hours now and I still can’t find a single word to say. So I thought I would come here, I haven’t written in a couple of days and I knew if there was something going on in my head that was in effect ‘blocking’ all my essay type thoughts then they would soon spill out here.

I keep hearing the word stupid over and over in a soft young female voice with a little giggle. It is making me feel very worried that I am not going to be able to break the cycle and will end up in hospital unwell again this Winter. I sat by the window and watched the thick snow falling for a while. I tried again to write but nothing would come out. I went onto Facebook and, as is usual these days, I rolled my eyes up and down the home page, read a few statuses, liked a few photos, saw far too many decorated rooms with Christmas trees up then signed back out. I’m not putting a tree or any decorations up this Christmas. I’m trying to pretend it’s not really happening I suppose.

I got my essay plan out and sat it in front of me trying to write some words next to each bit to get something flowing but nothing would come. As it is now almost 8pm and I have spent all day getting more and more frustrated with myself I have decided to give up for the evening and try again tomorrow. There are a couple of last minute tutor drop in sessions this week so I might make use of them and see if anyone else is struggling to get going like I am. I should be able to devote all day pretty much tomorrow and Wednesday as both mornings have 10.30am appointments so will be up early and home before noon to get to work.

Tomorrow my appointment is with new CPN. I’m not sure what we are going to talk about. I’m guessing the house swap will be mentioned, she was very keen for me to go ahead with it so I’m unsure of how she will react when I tell her it was all stressing me out too much and I’ve decided not to go ahead with it. I think I may have to talk a little about the intensity of the urges to self harm and how extremely hard it is not to act on them and how scared I’m becoming that I’m going to do it and it is going to be another severe and deep wound. How can I ever expect people to think of me as normal when I write my entire life across my body… every scar tells a story and all that…

On Wednesday I have an appointment with Mr Psychiatrist. I think this will probably be my last ever appointment with him and he is due to retire in January I think. So it will either be my last or second last, I’m not sure yet. I have been thinking about telling him about the voice that comes and goes but I don’t want to worry anyone unnecessarily, I mean maybe it’s just my own voice and I’m getting myself all confused.

On Friday I have another appointment with support worker from rape crisis. So I must must must get an essay written and submitted by Friday. My head just keeps turning to total mush when I try to concentrate and I lose  all my train of thought.

I realised today that I have quite a long Christmas holiday. This semester ends once I have submitted this essay. We get our results in a couple of weeks (hopefully before Christmas but possibly afterwards) and then I enrol onto two modules that I will study together from mid-January to June. The next two are Psychology of the Individual and Sociology of the Family.

See I knew if I came over here I would find words and be able to write again! I have just found 900 words out of nowhere – I haven’t even managed 9 words of my essay in all the hours of sitting in front of it! I don’t know that I’ve made any discoveries of anything lurking at the back of my mind and bothering me, not apart from the voice and that stupid girly giggle or if I needed to scribble down that these self harm urges are getting ridiculously intense and very hard to ignore. Either way, I have found some words and with them come a little hope that I’ll be able to find some more tomorrow and get some of this essay done.

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One Response to “19:59 – I can’t write”

  1. emily December 4, 2012 at 15:39 #

    Yes, indeed you can write!

    When I first started the slow descent into my depression, one of the first things to go was my ability to write academic papers, then fiction, then anything at all.

    I knew I was getting better when I could finally start writing in my journal again and, now of course, Tamagotch Bowie. If I don’t write a little bit, my day doesn’t feel normal.

    I actually suspect that I maybe could write fiction now, but I’m having way too much fun with this blogging-thing. And after 8 months of serious depression, I think I can just have fun for a little while (i.e., until the money runs out, lol!).

    Have I asked you before whether or not you are registered with Disability/Accessibility Services at your university? ?

    Anyway, wishing you lots of patience and sending good thoughts your way, Emily xoxo

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