23:36 – So fucking confused

28 Nov

I had another reasonably good day but tonight has just been so confusing and anxiety provoking.

I managed to go to my appointment this afternoon with my support worker from rape crisis and we had a good long chat about a lot of things – mainly things I was rambling on about blaming myself for and her telling me that I’m always so hard on myself. I’m not, I know I’m to blame for stuff and she says that’s not true, but, whatever. I can’t find the strength to debate it.

I told her about the house exchange, how confused I am about it all. How can you be so sure that something is what you both want and need but then be offered that thing and feel nothing but anxiety surrounding it all? No excitement, not even the tiniest bit of happiness about it. I just want it to go away. I don’t have the energy for all the upheaval that moving home brings. Support worker got where I was coming from, she understood and said that I have to do what *I* want and not do anything just to make someone else happy and live to regret it. See, I’ve been thinking about it from every angle (over-thinking it more like) and I’ve realised that if I go ahead with it then I will be taken off the transfer list because it will be seen that I have a home that meets all my needs. But I just have such a bad feeling about it all. I have convinced myself that I won’t be happy there, that I can’t cope with the anxiety at the moment on top of an already very stressful time of year for me, I’m trying to balance my head crazies and not let them tip me over the edge and right now just feels like completely and utterly the wrong time to think about moving anywhere.

Support worker agreed it sounded like too much stress for me and said she was worried that if I take that extra stress on I will put myself at too much risk of becoming unwell again and she knows how much I want to avoid any hospital admissions this winter. I don’t want a repeat of last year or the year before. I want to get through Christmas and New Year and then the little one’s anniversary all in one piece with no suicide attempts or episodes of psychosis or any of the other bad stuff.

I gave my Mum a call tonight and ended up talking to her for almost two hours. She said it sounded like I had already decided that I’m not going ahead with the house swap now (argh only yesterday I was saying I think I am going to do it! what is wrong with me?!?) so we talked about the things we could do to make my flat all nice and cosy and get my bedroom all re-organised and nice clean bedding on and try to overcome this phobia I’ve developed of the bedroom. I really don’t know what to do, I am so confused. I just want to be happy. Or happier would do. And I don’t know where I’d be more happy and if I stay where I am for now I may get offered a transfer in six months time to a house which feels ‘right’ and when the time feels ‘right’.

I’m now really scared to tell the girl that I’m having second thoughts because she is really unpredictable and wouldn’t think twice about having a full blown argument with me about it or telling me I was letting her down or whatever else she wanted to shout about. And I don’t think I can handle that. I couldn’t deal with confrontation at the moment. How do I tell her?

I need to make a decision on this as soon as possible. I can’t deal with all the anxiety it’s giving me and I really don’t know what to do for the best. And if I decide I need to stay here I really don’t know how I tell the girl I don’t want to go ahead with it?

Ugh. I just want to run and hide away somewhere ’til I miraculously wake up feeling like a normal happy person again.

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