22:11 – So nervous about seeing new CPN tomorrow

26 Nov

It’s been a strange sort of day. I got to sleep relatively early last night which was good as I was awake throughout the daylight today, but I woke up incredibly anxious again this morning. That continued all morning and I kept trying to distract myself from it, I watched some old sitcoms on TV, I opened up some textbooks (but had no concentration and closed them again). I got my essay result back from the piece of utter crap I submitted a week or so ago that I would have marked as a fail but it passed with a C. Not great, but better than I thought it would get. So for our 3 smaller assessments I have passed one at a B, one with 35 out of 35 and one at a C. Now I just have to finish my coursework, do a shit load of reading and do the final ‘big’ essay with the hope I pass this module.

As I couldn’t concentrate and the anxiety was really getting to me I spontaneously decided to clean. So I scrubbed the kitchen, the overflowing pile of dishes have now been washed, all the surfaces have been cleaned and then I went and scrubbed the bathroom. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am useless when it comes to cleaning up, I hate it, I find it so boring and tedious and get no pleasure from it at all… but today I just impulsively felt like I had to clean up a bit.

After I did that I made a big decision. I was going outside today in the daytime. I was up and dressed by then, it was about noon, the dogs were looking at me with their puppy dog eyes so without giving myself a second to change my mind I put my jacket and boots on, put the dogs on their lead and went out.

And it was fucking horrible.

There were people everywhere. I had to walk past people and I could feel people looking at me, it felt like they were talking about me, I really really wanted to run back to the house but I kept going a bit further with my stomach in knots and feeling like I wasn’t breathing properly. I managed about fifteen minutes before I couldn’t take it any longer and the anxiety won – I speedily walked home with my head down.

At least the dogs got some fresh air and a run around.

I then dealt with another couple of hours of extreme anxiety, tried to distract myself by trying to do some reading again but it wasn’t happening. I washed some clothes and dried some others. I put the TV back on. The girl who I may be doing the house exchange with text me and told me she was going to go and speak to someone at the housing department about it and has got a form to fill in. I’m going (well my plan is to try and go) to the housing department myself tomorrow on my way back from seeing new CPN and see if they need me to fill anything out. The panicking started to spiral out of control during the texts back and forth and I finally had a good hard word with myself, told myself I was being pathetic, that there was no need to be getting myself into so much of a state, that if I want to stay here I only have to say no and if I want to move then the opportunity is looking like it’s there. I was actually speaking out loud to myself saying over and over that this is ridiculous and there was nothing to be so scared of.

Then, as if in some sort of test to myself, I pulled my jacket on and went to the supermarket. I walked around mostly looking at the floor, only looking up to see what I needed off the shelves, felt the anxiety rising as I got to the queue at the check out. My heart started doing that thing where it beats and you can hear it in your ears getting louder and louder then you can feel it beating in your throat. I felt like I was being watched by everyone and wanted to run from the queue, leave all my stuff right there and just run.

Somehow I forced myself to stay right where I was and then something made me look up. A familiar voice. My ex fiancé and his partner at the check out right next to me. It was so uncomfortable and my crazy head started going completely into overdrive at this point. All I could think about was how he was dressed all nice and she was in this nice dress and I was standing there in my jacket that really needs washed and no make up on and my hair scraped back and there I was panicking again, putting all my stuff into bags as quickly as possible, grabbing them, and walking as fast as I could back home.

I hate seeing him. But I live in a small town and it’s inevitable that I’m going to bump into him from time to time. I wish that it got easier with all this time that’s passed but it doesn’t. Just knowing I have to see him that one day each year on the little one’s anniversary is more than enough. It still hurts when I see them together even though my love for him is long gone. But yeah, I’m probably still bitter, even now when I see her I get little flashes of her back on that day close to 4 years ago now when she was jumping out my fiancé’s bed half dressed. That older, married mother of two, a boss in the company he worked for, her husband was our friend, and there they were… having an affair without a care for anyone but themselves.

Anyway, enough about that. I got home, I again began to panic, I tried again to study and after 3 attempts today I decided to give up for the rest of the day and try again tomorrow. This evening since about 7pm I’ve just been watching TV, trying to watch happy programs, funny ones, comedies… trying everything I can think of to try and keep the crazies at bay for a little while longer. And I’ve just managed another walk with the dogs but it was dark, quiet and cold and I coped with it a lot better than the two other times I’ve been out in public today.

And now it’s getting late again and coming to the end of another day. And the anxiety is beginning to rise inside me again because I have this appointment with the new CPN tomorrow morning and I know she’s going to ask me why I ignored the last two appointments and I don’t have a reason for her other than that I’ve been really suffering badly with anxiety and been pretty much housebound in the daytimes, that I can’t even deal with a phone call when I’m like that and that I’m sorry I didn’t get in contact. That is, if I actually make it to this appointment. I have a feeling she may not offer me any more appointments if I miss the third one as well so I’m thinking I have to go and if I’m an anxious mess then she’ll just need to see me as an anxious mess and see for herself how bad it is. But whilst I can think like that, I can also think about how much I really don’t want someone that I’ve met once to see me pacing up and down, holding my stomach when it starts churning and going in knots, taking my jacket off as I get hot flushes, the urgency to get out of the environment I’m in and come back to my safe place.

Whilst I wasn’t sure what to make of the new CPN the first time I met her I guess I have to give her a chance? I wasn’t sure what I made of the last CPN the first time I met her but she turned out to be quite nice in the end. Maybe this one will too, I just have to get there and see her to find that out. Ugh. Twelve hours to go and it will be appointment time. I guess it’s good that it’s early in the morning, even though the anxiety seems to already be there, waiting on me to wake up, at least I don’t have to sit about all day working myself up about it and can just get up (try and have a shower) put some clothes on and just go. I just keep telling myself even if I can only manage ten minutes before having to say to her that I’ve had enough and want to leave, I just need to get there and see her and maybe I’ll be able to get her to understand how much I’m struggling right now.

And if I manage that appointment then on my way home I will pop into the housing department and see what the next step is in doing a house exchange. Ugh, my stomach is going all funny just thinking about having to see and talk to two different people and both in the day light. I did it today, not the talking to anyone part but the going out part, I can do it again tomorrow, right?

*Positive Thinking*

Goodnight folks xx

2 Responses to “22:11 – So nervous about seeing new CPN tomorrow”

  1. emily November 26, 2012 at 23:53 #

    Wow, your day sounds so familiar to how mine were 2 months ago; it’s incredible.

    As for cleaning up, well, I used to hate it too. But now I find that doing a little cleaning first thing in the morning (esp. dishes) is not just bearable, but even somewhat enjoyable. This is because I started listening to music—but only while I clean. (I’ve never been a big music listener, and 2 months ago I couldn’t stand to hear any music whatsoever, it made me too anxious).

    But maybe you’re just not ready to clean yet. Do it, as you have, when you can.

    I guess you’re are interested in learning new ways to deal with anxiety? Well, if you are, I’m going to suggest mindfulness therapy. Yes, I rag on it a lot in my blog, but when I was in crisis (as it seems you are) it really did help alleviate the suffering part (although it never made me happy, sometimes it did make me feel safe, esp. when in public).

    My interpretation of mindfulness: e.g., You say, “My anxiety is ridiculous.” Mindfulness says, “I feel anxious right now, and that’s okay. It may or may not be for a good reason, but I have no way of knowing.”

    I think that the idea behind this is that it’s more beneficial to focus on the anxiety for a limited time, rather than trying to avoid it altogether.

    If you’re curious to know more, I could send you the title of a book that my therapist and I have been using. If it doesn’t sound like it’s for you, that’s okay too.

    Thinking of you, Emily.

    • mycrazybipolarlife November 27, 2012 at 15:51 #

      Hey, thanks for commenting again. Nice is the wrong word yet it is nice in a way when others can understand how awful and debilitating parts of mental health problems can be.

      I have actually tried mindfulness in the past, I used to work with a psychologist until Feb this year when she went off on maternity leave and both she and the social worker I used to work with were both fans of mindfulness.

      When the psychologist was trying to teach me about mindfulness and techniques for using it, it did all make sense. However I was also at a point where I was in and out of the psych hospital, in and out of crisis, and I never really gave myself or mindfulness a good enough chance to see if it could work for me.

      I’m hoping that the psychologist is going to return to the mental health team in the early part of next year and if she does then I’m going to ask to start seeing her again and maybe I can give mindfulness another try. I’m sure I was given a book on it and some cd’s with mindfulness exercises but I have no idea where they are at the moment. It is something I would definitely consider trying again as I do think it can be really beneficial for anxiety, my problem is I just didn’t have enough sessions to get to grips with it properly so even though it makes perfect sense in theory I found it really hard to put into practice.

      Thanks again for reminding me about mindfulness, I have been so ‘mindless’ lately that I forgot such a thing as being ‘mindful’ even existed.


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