I have been battling with bad anxiety all evening. So I went random blog surfing (away from mental health stuff for a little while) to try and distract myself and I don’t know how I stumbled across it but I think I have just read the most beautiful blog post that could possibly exist. And with over 3000 comments on this post alone, I’m clearly not alone in my thinking.
And I am in floods of tears. Not tears of sadness… tears because the post is so moving, so touching, so honest, filled with such emotion that I don’t think anyone could read it and not feel their eyes well up as well. The photos that accompany it, it’s like you are there in the room with her, you are going through the journey with her somehow and I feel incredibly honoured to have just been allowed to read her story which you can find right here: http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html
What is it about… it is the birth story of a beautiful baby girl who just wasn’t what her parents were expecting… just go read it… trust me it is truly beautiful.
Maybe what touched me the most were these lines… these were the lines where my throat filled with a lump…
And I began to cry.
One more push.
…and I knew.
All I can think of is the moment where I was pushing and I ‘just knew’ but what I knew was my baby wasn’t going to take a breath…
It was this line though that opened the tear ducts and a waterfall started running down my face…
‘Love me. Love me. I’m not what you expected, but oh, please love me.’
Ok… so my little man never got to look me in the eyes… but those words, they capture exactly what I felt the first time I held him… he wasn’t what I expected because I didn’t expect to be giving birth four months early… I was scared he wouldn’t look like a baby… but he did… his skin was still reddish and oh.. the size of him he was so tiny… but perfect. I was terrified of seeing/holding my baby who I knew was forever sleeping and her words ‘Love me. Love me. I’m not what you expected, but oh, please love me.’ It was something very similar to that which started running through my own head, as if he was trying to send me that very message, and I cry thinking of my little prince just needing to be loved, of him not being what I expected… terrified I wouldn’t feel that rush of love for him… but I did and every single day that love has grown stronger for my little angel up in Heaven… though not a single day passes where I don’t wish he could be here with us.
Anyway… to go back to the original point of the post… Go read the beautiful Nella’s story as told from her Mummy’s heart…
*Here is a tissue, you will need it*