18:51 – Where I am and where I should be

24 Nov

Where I am: Hiding in my flat. Still in my pyjamas. Greasy hair. Unwashed. Massive amounts of anxiety coming in waves and trying to suffocate me. Depressed. Feel sick. Stomach hurts bad. More anxiety but accompanied by pain. Heart feels all fluttery. Don’t like it. Can’t control it. Can’t get it to stop. Too many thoughts all racing at once. Not sure which ones are distressing me the most and causing this ‘attack’. Is it the ones from the past or the future or the here and now? I don’t know. They are all coming at once. Thick and fast. All I can do is curl up and lie in the dark room alone waiting on it to stop. If it ever will.

Where I should be: In the cocktail bar with my cousin celebrating her ‘hen night’. In the health spa relaxing. (How can I ever go to a health spa or swimming pool again when my whole life story is written all over my body and told in scars?) I should be with my cousin tonight. My Mum is there. My Aunt (mid cancer battle) is there. Friends have travelled from all over the UK to be there tonight. And I, the only female cousin she has, and with only six months apart in our birthdays, the girl I grew up with the closest thing I’d ever have to a sister, the girl I went on holiday with every year. I should be THERE. And I’m not. And it hurts deep inside, it hurts my very core. My Mum phoned me last night to ask me for some funny stories to tell about my cousin from when we were kids (the head bridesmaid asked everyone to think of a funny story about her to embarrass her, just for fun) and I probably have more funny memories to speak of than anyone else there besides her Mum. And that makes me sad. Ok. That makes me cry it would seem. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. We always said when we got married we would be each other’s bridesmaid. And not only can’t I be that, I can’t even be there on her big day, I can’t be at the hen night tonight, instead I am consumed with crazy thoughts and phobias that I don’t know how to fight… I don’t know how to make them stop. I feel so very sad that I’m not there with everyone and instead of being there to enjoy her hen night with her and to be part of it, I will learn of all the fun and frolics from facebook statuses and from my Mum when I next speak to her on the phone.

This just wasn’t/isn’t the way things were supposed to be. And it is killing me imagining them all enjoying their night, having drinks and sharing stories, silly party games and nice food. I imagine laughter filling up that room tonight and I feel so alone. Quiet. Dark. Alone. Lonely yet I don’t want anyone near me. I ask myself again and again. When is this going to stop…


7 Responses to “18:51 – Where I am and where I should be”

  1. Lucie November 24, 2012 at 20:24 #

    Oh hun I hope you feel better soon, its poo when you can not go to things you really want to. I know how that feels too well but do not let it beat you 🙂 xx

  2. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) November 24, 2012 at 20:42 #

    So sorry. I am so sorry. It’s totally unfair that you have to go through such pain and awfulness. I’m praying for you, my friend.

    Sending you lots of warm virtual hugs. X

  3. emily November 25, 2012 at 01:53 #

    “How can I ever go to a health spa or swimming pool again when my whole life story is written all over my body and told in scars?”

    Umm, does anyone actually have a real answer for this? Would be quite helpful.

    Or, if you do decide to go swimming, how to explain what the scars are to your partner’s five-year-old daughter? She didn’t seem to believe that I fell off my bicycle.


    • mycrazybipolarlife November 26, 2012 at 13:26 #

      There is a make up you can get which is made especially for scars, burns, tattoos and birthmarks and I’m sure you can get waterproof ones as well. I know brands like Dermablend are quite popular and there’s loads of videos on youtube of people showing how to apply it to cover scars. There was another blogger who made a video covering one of her scars but she doesn’t blog any more and I can’t find her video – it was really good – I will see if she is still around on Twitter and ask her what the make up was called that she used. I remember it was quite time consuming to apply, and quite expensive, but you only used tiny amounts of it and it did a great job of covering up her scar. I haven’t tried any of the camouflage make up’s myself as yet but it’s something I’m definitely thinking about. I’d like to be able to go swimming again, I miss it 😦

      • emily November 26, 2012 at 15:05 #

        Thank you so much!

  4. Keri November 25, 2012 at 17:34 #

    I know so well how you feel Hun … But it does pass eventually. You just cannot beat yourself up about this .., it is what it is sadly. Please just be gentle with yourself and your feelings. Don’t try and fight what you can’t change. This seems to help me at times like these.. Thinking of you and sending you healing thoughts xx

  5. Calif D November 27, 2012 at 00:05 #

    Very touched by your story. You write in such a transparent way. Hopefully, this will give others better insight of how challenging life can be when facing such a challenging illness.

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