17:22 – I’m ok… (I’m not ok)

22 Nov

I got a text message from rape crisis support worker yesterday asking me if I was ok as it wasn’t like me not to reply to her. After two hours of just sitting here looking at it I finally managed to write four letters: I’m ok.

I don’t think I really am ok if I’m honest. Why did I tell her I was? It was easier than to tell the truth. I kept thinking that if I didn’t reply then she might get more worried and send someone (I don’t know who but someone) to my door to see if I was ok and that would really freak me out at the moment. But I don’t think that she would actually do that to me, I think she would keep anything I said to her confidential but what if it all starts pouring out, how much I need to cut, how much time I’m spending either hiding and doing nothing or reading about and looking at images about death.

I don’t know why I lied to her, I can trust her, she is nice, she isn’t part of my mental health team. I guess I thought that if I just added that extra word in to read ‘I’m not ok’ then she would ask what was wrong and maybe I would end up telling her how bad everything is and how I’m really struggling to cope and maybe it would end up with her contacting the mental health team or something. And for some reason I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to see anyone. I think that’s actually the biggest thing stopping me from cutting, because I know it would be a bad one and I know I would end up eventually breaking down and telling someone the truth.

It was easier just to say… I’m ok…

I also got a letter from new CPN offering me another appointment for Tuesday morning but I don’t know yet if I’ll go. She wrote on it that she would encourage me to attend this appointment as it has been ‘identified that regular support is helpful to me’. I’m too consumed by negative thoughts and ‘what’s the point?’ thoughts right now. All (and I do mean all) I can think about is hurting myself. I feel that I deserve to hurt and I constantly seem to be visualising blood running down an arm or leg and thinking about how it would feel and the release that it would give me.

I’m very stressed about my uni work, I feel as though I can’t understand this particular section, it just makes absolutely no sense in my brain. It’s about epidemiology and it’s just frazzling my brain trying to make sense of it all. I need to understand it and I need it to make sense so I can move on and get that week’s work finished and keep trying to catch up to where I should be at the moment.

I managed to get to the chemist yesterday for my weekly prescription. I went in ten minutes before they closed, when it was dark outside and the chemist was pretty quiet. I was in and out in five minutes as it was all made up and waiting for me. Afterwards I managed a long-ish walk with the dogs, staying in dark areas away from street lights and houses. I took them another walk around 11pm then another around 4am then I fell asleep for a while.

Something potentially good did happen today. Someone I know phoned me to ask me if I was still awaiting a housing transfer to which I said yes. She lives in the area I want to move to (nearer my parents) and has a little one bedroom house with front and back garden in a little row of bungalows with mainly elderly neighbours. Anyway, she has decided that she would like to move closer to the little town area as her sister is moving a few miles away and where I live is on the bus route to her sister’s new house. She wants to be closer to her sister and not two bus journeys away so yeah, she phoned and asked if she could come and see my flat tomorrow and if she likes it (and is sure she really wants to move) then we will do a house exchange which would be so good and I think I would be a lot happier living where her house is.

So that should have cheered me up but again I see the negatives. I think she will come here tomorrow at 2.30pm and decide she doesn’t want to live in a flat again or realise it’s quite a bit noisier here (mainly just with passing traffic) and I think she will decide not to go through with it and just keep her little house. Not that I could blame her. So I’m not getting my hopes up, I will see what her first impressions are like tomorrow. I really need to tidy up a bit, the place has become a bit of a mess again lately as the pile of Christmas presents are starting to pile up.

But I don’t have the energy. Seriously all I can do is sit here in this spot and over-think everything and look at and read probably the most unhealthiest things ever for my current state of mind.

When is all of this ever going to end? It’s like it just won’t pass until I have acted on the urges, the same urges I spend the whole time trying not to act on. It just seems like there is no way out of this other than to just do it and get the urge/need out of my system for another little while. I’ve been in this place so many times before, I should know by now that the only way to make it stop is to listen to it and act upon it, then things would maybe begin to calm down a bit again.

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