00:27 – Self Isolation in Full Swing

21 Nov

As the title suggests, I’m very much into self isolation mode now. I go out the house for the minimum time necessary and only when it’s dark. We have had really bad weather and floods so no one has really bothered to contact me to ask me if I want to do anything with them as I think everyone has just wanted to hide indoors, warm and dry.

I went to my parents house on Sunday night for dinner. Didn’t see the point in lying to them so just told the truth that I’d got myself a bit behind with my uni work and was trying to catch up, that I’d been feeling a bit low recently and had missed some appointments. After that I tried to change the subject onto my cousin’s upcoming wedding that my stupid agoraphobia is stopping me attending. The wedding is over 250 miles away so I knew there was no chance I would be attending it as soon as it was announced a few months ago. So I kept my parents informed but not to the point where they actually have any idea how bad things really are. At least they have seen me now, that was the first time since my birthday 3 weeks ago.

The new CPN left me another voicemail yesterday but I didn’t call her back. She said in the voicemail she was going to send me out one more appointment, I don’t know what happens if I don’t go to it… maybe she will give a fuck and ask why I’m not attending or maybe she won’t and will just see it as a quick excuse to discharge me from her caseload. Who knows… Who cares…

As I didn’t attend my last appointment with rape crisis I had a new one arranged for this afternoon at 3pm. But it got to 2pm and I looked out the window and felt sickly panicky at the thought of venturing outside so I send her a text saying sorry I couldn’t make it. She sent one back asking what day I want to rearrange for but I didn’t reply… I can’t stick to anything at the moment.

Tomorrow is going to test me a bit as it’s every Wednesday that I collect my week’s medication. I will probably wait until 5pm just before closing and run in at the last minute to get it. It’s pretty much dark by 5pm now anyway. So I’m expecting to receive a letter from the new CPN in tomorrow or Thursday’s post with another appointment that I don’t know if I’ll get to. I really just want to curl up in a ball and hide from everything and everyone.

I managed to do some studying today. I’m now half way through week 9’s work when I should be about half way through week 11. If I can get week 9 finished before the weekend, then week 10 done over the weekend then I will only be one week behind. But week 12 is the last week then we go off and write our final essays for submission the following week. So I’m going to need to get a grip of things and work my arse off if I have any hope of catching up.

You would think if I’m keeping myself locked up in the house and not answering the phone or the door that it would be easy to get loads of work done in a short space of time but it’s actually really hard. Because my mind is active 100% of the time, most of the time too active, going too fast, making me irritable I can’t catch up… I keep getting left behind…

Self harm thoughts still very very bad. Probably at the worst they have been in quite a long time. I am finding the suicidal thoughts quite soothing, that there is a way to run and hide from the world permanently but then they start to panic me that they are becoming so appealing in my head that I might just lose it and act upon them.

I wish I could just close my curtains and open them to find a few months have passed and somehow things have stabilised out a bit again. Then again, do I really want this as my life year after year? Or do I just want the world to stop spinning once and for all… let me jump off and then let it carry on spinning again whilst I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction, alone and uninterrupted by everything.

“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced”….. (James Baldwin)

I just don’t know what I’m actually capable of facing…

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7 Responses to “00:27 – Self Isolation in Full Swing”

  1. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) November 21, 2012 at 00:46 #

    Stay strong and keep fighting on. Thinking of you xx

  2. fearlessanalyst November 21, 2012 at 01:06 #

    …. would lots of ‘meditation breaks’ help? It would be like practising peace…..? Wish I could wave the old magic wand!

  3. Ian November 21, 2012 at 02:19 #

    You have faced many things in your life and are here to tell the tale of most …that the tales should offer solace and hope to others who follow….be strong little one for the challenges life throws our way are many and varied, but you, more than most, are worthy of the fight 🙂 xx

  4. werehorse November 21, 2012 at 02:29 #

    Please try to go the next appointment with your CPN. I know it’s hard but you seem to be really struggling and perhaps you could do with some support? Or when do you next see your psychiatrist – maybe your medication needs tweaking to get you out of this hole.

    And you know, if the college course is not for you right now, there’s no shame and it is not a faiure to accept that. Maybe you could defer until next year rather than having it create an addditonal stress now whilel you are unwell.

    Best wishes,
    Take caree WN

    Best wishes

  5. Tam November 21, 2012 at 06:42 #

    I’ve been in the exact same situation so many times… but you know what? Every time, the depression always passes! My last one was terrible, went for six months, ended up in hospital. But it ENDED. It actually ended, it was just an episode from an illness, okay, and I’m feeling good and happy to be alive again! You’ve got to hang on, accept that life is shit right now, but hang on to the thought that there’s a future that’s different. You’re going to be okay xoxoxooxox

  6. mentallygoingbackwards November 21, 2012 at 15:30 #

    Im thinking of you huni. I havnt heard from you for a while. Im glad you havnt acted on any thoughts, its just too much hassle at times. Im just out of surgery again because of my self-harm. Gimme a txt if you go onto msn or anything and ill come on and chat. xx

  7. emily November 22, 2012 at 18:54 #

    As many people have already expressed, I too am thinking of you. I always look forward to reading your posts, even if sometimes they are painful for me. They remind me of where I have been and how far I have gone. You will get through this. Emily.

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