As the title suggests, I’m very much into self isolation mode now. I go out the house for the minimum time necessary and only when it’s dark. We have had really bad weather and floods so no one has really bothered to contact me to ask me if I want to do anything with them as I think everyone has just wanted to hide indoors, warm and dry.
I went to my parents house on Sunday night for dinner. Didn’t see the point in lying to them so just told the truth that I’d got myself a bit behind with my uni work and was trying to catch up, that I’d been feeling a bit low recently and had missed some appointments. After that I tried to change the subject onto my cousin’s upcoming wedding that my stupid agoraphobia is stopping me attending. The wedding is over 250 miles away so I knew there was no chance I would be attending it as soon as it was announced a few months ago. So I kept my parents informed but not to the point where they actually have any idea how bad things really are. At least they have seen me now, that was the first time since my birthday 3 weeks ago.
The new CPN left me another voicemail yesterday but I didn’t call her back. She said in the voicemail she was going to send me out one more appointment, I don’t know what happens if I don’t go to it… maybe she will give a fuck and ask why I’m not attending or maybe she won’t and will just see it as a quick excuse to discharge me from her caseload. Who knows… Who cares…
As I didn’t attend my last appointment with rape crisis I had a new one arranged for this afternoon at 3pm. But it got to 2pm and I looked out the window and felt sickly panicky at the thought of venturing outside so I send her a text saying sorry I couldn’t make it. She sent one back asking what day I want to rearrange for but I didn’t reply… I can’t stick to anything at the moment.
Tomorrow is going to test me a bit as it’s every Wednesday that I collect my week’s medication. I will probably wait until 5pm just before closing and run in at the last minute to get it. It’s pretty much dark by 5pm now anyway. So I’m expecting to receive a letter from the new CPN in tomorrow or Thursday’s post with another appointment that I don’t know if I’ll get to. I really just want to curl up in a ball and hide from everything and everyone.
I managed to do some studying today. I’m now half way through week 9’s work when I should be about half way through week 11. If I can get week 9 finished before the weekend, then week 10 done over the weekend then I will only be one week behind. But week 12 is the last week then we go off and write our final essays for submission the following week. So I’m going to need to get a grip of things and work my arse off if I have any hope of catching up.
You would think if I’m keeping myself locked up in the house and not answering the phone or the door that it would be easy to get loads of work done in a short space of time but it’s actually really hard. Because my mind is active 100% of the time, most of the time too active, going too fast, making me irritable I can’t catch up… I keep getting left behind…
Self harm thoughts still very very bad. Probably at the worst they have been in quite a long time. I am finding the suicidal thoughts quite soothing, that there is a way to run and hide from the world permanently but then they start to panic me that they are becoming so appealing in my head that I might just lose it and act upon them.
I wish I could just close my curtains and open them to find a few months have passed and somehow things have stabilised out a bit again. Then again, do I really want this as my life year after year? Or do I just want the world to stop spinning once and for all… let me jump off and then let it carry on spinning again whilst I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction, alone and uninterrupted by everything.
“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced”….. (James Baldwin)
I just don’t know what I’m actually capable of facing…