14:57 – Itchy, scratchy, suspicious brain

22 Oct

I’m having a really hard time concentrating at the moment, my head slips off into little daydreams constantly, I become irritated when I know I have to sit and read a certain chapter of a book. This is uni reading week and there is another assignment at the end of it and I don’t even have a clue what I’m supposed to be reading about because of my itchy, scratchy brain.

There are too many random racing thoughts going through my head. I have never considered myself to be a jealous person before and I have no real reason to be jealous. But I noticed a couple of days ago that best friend had added my ex onto her facebook, she keeps leaving him little comments with kisses after them, and now he is doing the same to her. Why does she always need to do that? She sees that I am now friends with someone and so (if it’s a man) the next thing I see is that she and him are now friends. From little things she’s written on his page she’s clearly flirting with him… but she has like 3 different guys on the go that she is always flirting with by text. Now my suspicious little brain imagines they have swapped numbers and are chatting away behind my back. And yes, I am talking about the ex who came to visit a couple of weekends ago and ended up in the car crash. And yes I did mention somewhere in that post that some old feelings had come back, and yes, best friend knows this.

I go on Facebook and just sit and stare. Watching the interactions taking place between two people. Thinking how blindingly obvious it is that they are having a little flirt (and I don’t mean I want any more than friendship with him) but it gets to me. It gets to me because she has everything. And yet everything isn’t enough. She has her pick of what guy she wants, she has two beautiful children, she has a nice figure, pretty face, tall, blond…. all the guys fancy her…. it’s just the way it’s always been. Plus she is only young, like 23 or something and I’m 31 this coming weekend. So now I’m thinking is the fact they are both single parents the common ground? Is that why they constantly seem to be chatting away online together? But she has another guy, in fact two other guys who are both single dad’s… so that’s 3 single dad’s altogether that she flirts with, sleeps with, texts constantly, etc.

I’ve noticed he’s stopped texting me… Actually she’s been pretty quiet too…

They think I don’t know, don’t notice, don’t pick up on things, but I do. And it all goes into that constantly thinking and over-analysing brain of mine and adds into all those racing thoughts. I feel like just phoning her and hitting her straight out with it… but then I’m going to look like some crazy jealous bitch aren’t I…

Why does this have to be yet another thing to go into my itchy scratchy suspicious brain? Why can’t it just shut up and close off…

Oh yeah, today was meant to be the day I met (old) CPN and (new) CPN together and be handed over to new CPN to work with from now on. But the receptionist called this morning to say old CPN is off sick so someone will phone me later in the week instead.

It’s just after 3pm and I haven’t managed to go out today, well I went out at 7am with the dogs. I have stayed in all day long because I think my next door neighbour has finally been evicted and they put his door through this morning then fixed a notice to the outside of it and changed the locks. I sat behind my peep hole in my door with my heart pounding that they were going to start knocking in my door next. I don’t know why I thought that, I was just feeling very paranoid.Now I keep wondering who they are going to move into his flat, will it be someone I have to watch or will they be watching me? I don’t like it when things change that I have no control over and have to go through the whole sussing the new person/people out before I feel safe enough to just walk past them in the stairway.

Then not so long after they left I heard my front door being chapped. I couldn’t even make it to the peep hole to see who it was, I just kinda froze so they couldn’t hear me moving and I stood there silent for a few minutes until they had gone.

I am so hungry and yet I can’t face the supermarket at the moment. It’s too busy and noisy and stressful today. All I feel capable of doing is sitting here listening to every little noise and wondering what’s going on. I really should go and have a shower then take the dogs out again but I feel so fucking incapable of doing anything other than sitting waiting, watching, listening and feeling the itchy scratchiness of my brain.


2 Responses to “14:57 – Itchy, scratchy, suspicious brain”

  1. fearlessanalyst October 22, 2012 at 17:05 #

    You’re working hard at growing and changing, and sometimes in our relationships, it’s time to move on. As they say, “with friends like that, who needs enemies?”. She may not exactly be an ‘enemy’, but at a MINIMUM, she is insensitive to your feelings. When I was around 29 or 30, I had a friend who I gradually realized was using me to make herself look good. So, for example, she’d do clever little put downs that were so subtle I was never quite sure I had just been belittled! Eventually I made new friends – supportive friends.
    Someday you’re going to look back on this period and say “I’m glad I went through that crap, because it contributed to the kind of person I am today.”
    About next door – my ‘rule’ for that sort of thing is “I won’t worry until I know I have something to worry about.” Maybe you could just enjoy the quiet for now….
    About the exercise, maybe today you can ‘give yourself a break’ since you’re really feeling vulnerable. Some days we just need to coddle ourselves 🙂 Kind of ‘self-care’. Then other days, you just make yourself do it – when you’re feeling stronger.
    About the reading – could you try sort of scheduling yourself? Like: read for 15 minutes only, then stand up and do some exercise like ‘running on the spot’, etc…. something to get the oxygen moving, stimulate the brain, feel better. Then back at it for only 15 min. again… Experimenting with what works for you will be invaluable in the end – the more you learn about yourself the healthier you’ll be….
    Wish I could just give you a hug and say “You’ll feel better soon” 🙂

  2. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) October 23, 2012 at 18:28 #

    Ech, annoying MCBL… I certainly see all of the frustrations and the way you are feeling.

    I hope that you’ll get a nice new neighbour and try not to be jealous of this woman. I’m sure that you have things that are better than what she’s got. First rule if therapy ‘do not compare yourself to others’. X

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