Today I had two appointments. The first was at 1pm where I had my first appointment with the new social worker but she hasn’t replaced other social worker she is just working with me temporarily for a few weeks until the new permanent CPN starts. So she asked how I was doing and I told her about going with other social worker to advocacy on Tuesday and how hard I actually find it to express why I want to move out of this flat so badly. Somehow this led on to me telling her my life story. I didn’t plan on doing that but it just kind of happened, not in masses of detail but kind of significant events along the way and when diagnoses were made etc. I didn’t get hugely positive vibes from her when we first met the other week but she actually turned out to be quite nice and I think I’ll be OK working with her for a few weeks, she seems easy enough to talk to, so that’s good.
I then had an appointment with the support worker from rape crisis. I haven’t seen her in two weeks as she was off on holidays so it was nice to see her and have a bit of a catch up, tell her how I got on with my child befrienders interview and how I had got my first uni essay in… then onto the bad stuff about the self harming and how I’d done it again in the time she’d been away. It seems that self harm often goes hand in hand with rape/sexual abuse so she is pretty understanding about it all and asked what I thought would help me at the moment and I said I didn’t know, just trying to keep myself distracted I guess. She said she was more than happy to see me once a week and after me rambling away for over an hour we arranged to meet up again next Thursday. She said today that as I enjoy writing and feel like I can express myself better when I write things down then she might give me a writing exercise to do next week which I assume will be writing about my feelings about the recent assault or perhaps writing a letter to him or something…. I remember when I was a young teenager and getting help from a CAMHS psychologist she got me to write a letter to my childhood abuser telling him how it made me feel, what I thought of him for doing that to me and a whole load of other stuff… and then we took it outside and took a match to it and watched it burn. I guess it was supposed to be symbolic somehow, like as though I was watching all those bad feelings just burn away.
This time though everything just confuses the hell out of me when I think about it. Maybe because I still have no real recollection of what happened other than knowing it did happen from the PCP drug found in my tests and the intense flashbacks that are still face-less. I was actually thinking about it a lot yesterday. This is going to be way too much information for some of you so you may wish to look away now…but… I had recently taken a course of Provera (the tablet that I use to induce a period seeing as I don’t have them on my own thanks to the condition PCOS)… I finished the course on Tuesday and was expecting my period to show Friday/Saturday (usually 3-5 days after I take the last tablet). However it caught me off guard and came yesterday, Thursday, and full heavy flow at that. And suddenly I felt very weird about it being there and the first thing I did was go straight into the shower to clean and clean and clean as I felt like I was dirty.
I tried speaking about this with rape crisis woman today and she said it made sense. I told her it was like the first time since the assault where I’d been aware of my ‘girly bits’ and all these flashbacks started happening and I felt so dirty at the sight of the blood and just had to repeatedly clean myself in the shower until my head adjusted and calmed down to the realisation it was OK, it was just a period. So yeah, that wasn’t particularly pleasant.
Anyway no more period talk I promise. Don’t want the guys who read this to get too squeamish!
I think I’m going to spend a few hours with my Mum tomorrow as she has the day off work. Usually we would go for a bite to eat but seeing as this bloody diet is so restrictive it will probably just be a cuppa for her and a water for me, and maybe take the dogs along the beach or something if it stays dry. Last night we had a crazy thunder and lightening storm, the whole sky was lighting right up for hours. It was pretty cool to watch but one of my dogs is terrified of thunder (and fireworks) so I had to close the curtains, turn the TV up loud and wrap him up in a duvet next to me, even then I could still feel him shaking, poor thing. My little dog didn’t bat an eyelid, he just did his silly little barks each time the sky roared!
Speaking of the dogs it’s time for their bedtime walk and it’s time for me to do some reading before I try and get off to sleep as well. I hate the weekends, drunk people passing by my house til like 3am and the noise makes the dogs bark which in turn wakes me up and I end up frustrated and very tired. Hopefully tonight they won’t be as bad and I can sleep right through but that hasn’t happened in weeks and weeks so I doubt very much it will now. I seem to be firmly set in a pattern this past week of sleeping between the hours of 1am and 3am and between 5am and 8am and that’s it. So averaging out at about 5 hours of broken sleep a night. Pretty blah.
Anyway time to take these doggies out.
Goodnight folks x