I guess you could call today another reasonably productive day. I went to see my social worker and she came with me to my first meeting with advocacy. I explained my situation about the housing transfer application and how I feel like I’m going to be waiting forever to be moved somewhere I can be happy living in. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted from them but we had a chat about things and they said they would write a letter or email on my behalf and try to make the housing association re-read my file, and ask them for a realistic timescale in which I will be re-housed. I know it’s going to end up taking about a year though. I even went into the housing association afterwards and expanded my areas in which I’m willing to be re-housed to, hopefully with more areas then I have more chance of a quicker move.
So it was good to meet the woman who co-ordinates things and the woman who is a volunteer who is going to contact the housing association for me. She said she should hopefully be able to get back to me by the end of the week with some more information.
It was also nice to see and spend some time with my social worker. I know these are going to be the last few times I see her over the next little while and I’m happy that if things have to come to an end that they will do so on a happier note. I still have my moments of wishing things were how they were a couple of years back but I guess time moves on, lives change, situations change and one day I will have to be big enough and strong enough to stand on my own two feet, one day with no professional involvement at all if I manage to establish some form of recovery.
I keep trying to think that recovery, or walking the path of recovery is where I’m at just now, but this is mainly because CPN tells me that. Sometimes I don’t really feel it, I mean lets face it things haven’t exactly been great lately with one pretty severe self harm wound and a second not quite so severe but still requiring medical help. My moods have been very emotional, I have cried a crazy amount over the past few weeks. Sometimes I’m sure I can hear a voice again swirling around in my head telling me I’m not good enough, that I won’t be able to complete my Uni course, that I’m kidding myself that I’m going to complete a degree and have a good career one day, telling me I’m always going to fail, whispering to me that it’s all pointless and my life equally as pointless and I don’t know if it’s all my own thoughts and my own voice I hear repeatedly chanting away to me or if it’s something external… but something external or maybe it’s internal… any type of ‘voice’ is not something I’m willing to consider right now.
In conversation with my social worker today I mentioned that this is always the time of year I seem to start feeling rather unwell. October through to February/March time are like my danger months. And no, I don’t think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder to add to my list of quirks, it’s just the amount of child related things that happen over those months that is what really gets me down.
It’s my birthday at the end of the month, the 28th of October, and it’s not a day I look forward to any more. This year I will be 31 and still single and sleeping on a sofa in a flat I hate, a flat that I just feel so unhappy in. And then a few days later comes Halloween and I have to do the pretend smiling stuff as I help best friend get the kids ready and take them out trick or treating. Then it’s Christmas and like last year, best friend wants me to stay overnight on Christmas Eve at hers so I wake up with her and the kids and watch them open their presents. And somewhere deep within I need to bury all the hurt it makes me feel. Then we get into the new year and the run up to my little one’s anniversary begins and that takes me up to February, then I always have a couple of weeks of feeling really low after the anniversary because it brings back all the memories and also means spending a short period of time acting as civil as I can towards my ex-fiancé.
So yeah… a bit wary of how things are going to be over the next few months.
Changing the topic (because I’m starting to feel sad) my Atkins online planner informed me that I wasn’t eating enough “leafy green vegetables” today. I eat a full bag of iceberg lettuce every day but apparently that’s not enough. So I walked over to the supermarket and picked up a brocolli, a leafy green cabbage, and some green beans. Came home and boiled the lot up in a pot with some sugar and salt free vegetable stock then blasted it with the blender. And poured a lovely big cup of it to have with my dinner. It was properly disgusting, bland, tasteless, every mouthful made me feel sick and I like all of the ingredients but just not blended together in some strange green soup. So I let it cool down, put it in the fridge and tried it as a ‘smoothie’ – it was equally as disgusting but I forced it down.
I have enough for another big glass tomorrow and Thursday. Lucky me eh!
Well it’s that time of night again… 10pm and time to take medication, walk the dogs, and try and wind down with all the lights off. In other words lie awake in the dark for hours, being restless and getting up to have a cigarette, getting water, going to the toilet, flicking the TV on and off, trying to sleep again, watching the clock tick through hour after hour, staying offline because I know it will only keep me from sleeping even longer. Finally somewhere around 4/5am falling asleep out of exhaustion and waking up again when the postman comes at 8.30am and the dogs start barking like mad.
Tomorrow’s plans… pick up weekly prescription, go to a&e for “final” wound check (it better be the final one this time, I’m sure they are as sick of seeing me as I am going there and having my wounds on display for examination). Then at 2pm I am going to have my tattoo shaded and a couple of little lines fixed before the colouring begins. I was going pretty much every few days/every week for a while but it was draining me financially so it’s kinda been put on hold for a while but I’m going to try and get it all finished over the next month or two. I think it should only take maybe 2 x 2 hour sittings to get it all coloured, she said colouring it shouldn’t take as long as all the outlining and shading. I’m sort of glad I’m getting it done tomorrow because I’ve been experiencing a lot of self harm thoughts this evening, completely out of the blue, and I actually get some strange perverse pleasure out of being tattooed, I get the pain without the scars. The pain becomes a creation. It’s a good pain. I know I could grab handfuls of ice cubes (if I had any in my freezer) and get pain without scars but it just doesn’t work for me. Nothing works for me but the real thing. It’s all or nothing with me…
So yeah, tomorrow should be another fairly busy day. Thursday I think will be a quieter one where I focus on some Uni work. Friday I have a session with the other/new social worker which I can’t say I’m looking forward to because I really don’t see what the point is in me seeing yet another new person for a whole 3/4 weeks to then be introduced and start working with yet another new person albeit one who is actually permanent. But current CPN thinks I need someone to talk to each week because of all the self harming and deep down I know she’s right, I know I would panic a little if I was left completely on my own for a month but opening up to new people is always hard. Then later in the afternoon on Friday I have an appointment with rape crisis woman as today’s appointment was cancelled.
Right I think I have rambled on enough for now… time to face the rain and walk these dogs.