14:47 – Off to the GP shortly

I have my appointment with lovely GP in 45 minutes. It’s already nearly 3pm and I am not dressed, one of the workmen guys came to my door this morning but I didn’t hear him because I WAS SLEEPING! A bloody miracle! He just put a note through the door to say not to use my shower before 2pm as it needed 24 hours to dry out properly and it was around 2pm he finished with it yesterday… Anyway… I actually slept from around 11.30pm/midnight through until 8.30am – a full 8 hours sleep! I don’t know if it was because I was so completely shattered that my body finally just gave up, exhausted, and let me sleep or if it was the Mirtazapine that helped. It was slightly broken sleep, I do remember being awake around 3am and putting something on iPlayer to watch and then falling back asleep half way through it.

I was looking into Melatonin a bit more this morning and have read it can actually have some quite bad side effects so have decided I won’t ask GP about it just yet, maybe the Mirtazapine increase is going to help me sleep after all. I guess time will tell and I’ll see how I am over the weekend. Slightly worried that I only slept out of total exhaustion and will end up not being able to sleep again all weekend but if that happens I will just have to find a way to deal with it.

My Soya Isoflavones that I ordered arrived this morning. I bought them to try and help with my PCOS and menstrual problems but upon reading the information leaflet they say they are also helpful for a variety of other things and mood swings and irritability were one of them so maybe these little vitamins will help me out a bit. I suppose I better tell GP I am taking them, it’s important they know exactly what I am and am not taking. She will probably try and talk me out of taking them because doctors are all about the bloody medical model and this is something “alternative” but unless she can offer me an anti-estrogen medication and not just something to make me bleed then I am going to give them a shot.

I’m also going to ask her to check my wound on my leg and ask her if it’s healed enough to go and take my form to the gym to get signed up there. I really need to start taking more exercise so longer walks with the dogs and 1 or 2 sessions at the gym each week combined with eating a bit healthier should all help. I want to try low-carbing again, it was what helped me lose a tonne of weight around 6 years ago but it’s so so hard to stick to, especially in the first few weeks when you have to be very disciplined with yourself. But although a lot of people say it’s unhealthy, it is very effective when you have PCOS and insulin issues. I was planning to go and do my weekly food shop today but I know there is no chance of me sticking to low carb eating over the weekend so I will let myself have the weekend of eating what I want then do my food shopping on Monday and only buy low carb foods in.

I will write up a weeks worth of low carb recipes over the weekend so my meals are all planned out for every day next week. I have to do something about my weight, it is not healthy and I don’t feel healthy, it’s affecting my self confidence a lot and I’m 31 next month, I need to start taking better care of my body if I ever want to try to conceive again in the future. Also it was around this age that my Dad and Aunt both started developing high blood pressure problems (and they were both normal weights) so I need to try and reduce the risks of things like that happening to me as well.

It’s all so easy to talk about but putting it into practice is going to be so bloody hard! But I’ve done it once before… I can do it again right?!

OK I need a plan for today:

• Go and have a shower in new shower 🙂
• Get dressed, put gym letter in bag
• Go see GP – ask her to check my leg and tell her I’m starting the Soya tablets
• Go and hand in my gym letter and see if they can give me an induction date
• Come back and get dogs and walk down onto the seafront promenade and just walk and walk until I feel as though I’ve done some proper exercise!
• Go to supermarket and buy food for weekend
• Read last bit of my textbook chapter for this week’s uni work

That should be enough to keep me busy for a while. I don’t know how honest to be with GP about the self harm thoughts and how strong they still are. I don’t want fucking psychiatrist saying I am game playing again by picking and choosing who I tell information to but equally I don’t want to cause GP any concern on a Friday when she knows support is extremely limited over the weekend. I guess I just have to be honest with her and say yes the thoughts are there, the urges are bad, I don’t know if I’ll act on them but can only hope that I will be able to resist.

I shall probably write another post of ramblings later tonight with how the day went. I guess I better go and get ready now – new shower – yay 🙂