I went to my appointments yesterday, one in the morning with Mr Psychiatrist and one at lunch time with CPN.
Let’s start with the one with Mr Psychiatrist. I went in having barely slept, feeling very low, told him about the self harming last week (which he already knew about from GP) and about handing all the stockpiled tablets over. I told him that deep down I know I don’t want to die so am managing not to act on the suicidal thoughts even when I think it would be the best option for everyone. But that I was very much struggling with the self harming, I can’t seem to stop myself. I’m constantly making scratches trying to get the urges out without doing it really badly again. But I feel the next “bad” cut isn’t going to be far away even though I am genuinely battling against it.
Mr Psychiatrist said that last time he saw me I was in a more positive frame of mind and looking forward to my uni course starting. He said the only thing that had happened between then and now was the sexual assault, therefore all these feelings must be related to it. I said yes some of them are, it has certainly triggered a lot of bad feelings, but I’m not sitting thinking about it 24/7 – I just feel so fucking low all the time, thoughts racing around my head again about having bad blood and needing to release some of it. I told him I thought I was bad, that I felt like I had the devil in me, not in a psychotic sense, I don’t mean I think the devil is living inside me, not like when I truly believed Satan had taken over me…nothing like that… I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. He said that what I had to do was recognise the events that had taken place i.e. the assault (and for some reason he brought my little man up to which I angrily responded what did he have to do with anything??) and that I must work through the feelings these events have stirred up inside me with the relevant person/people.
He said I only felt like I was bad because bad things had happened to me. I told him this was not true, it wouldn’t matter if they had happened or not, I know I am bad, there is just this complete badness about me, inside me, controlling me. Again he said I needed to talk it out with the right person. I was just getting annoyed and frustrated with him, I was overtired and pretty much spent the whole appointment staring at the floor. I changed the subject and asked for my mirtazapine to be increased so I’m on 30mg a day now. He said I can increase it to 45mg after a couple of weeks if I’m still not feeling any benefit from it and if I continue to feel no benefit from it at 45mg we would need to try something else.
Then he came out with something which really pissed me off. I told him that I felt really paranoid about telling people I had self harmed and that paranoia was now worse because GP said last Friday if I didn’t hand the tablets over then she would be “looking at putting me in a place of safety”. He said to me what did I expect? Of course she couldn’t leave me with that amount of tablets in my house when I was in an unstable frame of mind. Then he said the thing that pissed me off…. “I don’t say this often MCBL, but, in a sense you are game playing”… I was like wtf?? What are you talking about?? He said he was saying that because I am saying that I don’t know if I should tell people when I self harm any more and yet I had told everyone who ‘mattered’ I guess. I tried to explain it wasn’t like that. GP only knew because a&e sent her the notes, CPN only knew because I was running late for my appointment with her when I was in a&e the day I did the self harming and had to tell her why I was going to be late. Anyway, CPN has already written to a&e and requested they send her the notes of every attendance I make there. So I tried to say to him I didn’t go off saying to everyone oh I’ve cut myself pretty bad, they all found out in their own ways. He said it’s like I am saying “OK it’s safe to tell person a, but I won’t tell person b because I’m not sure how they will react, and I will deny it if person c asks because I don’t want them knowing at all” and this is why he called it game playing because I wasn’t being straight up and honest with everyone, instead picking and choosing how much I tell to each person. Isn’t that a normal thing to do? We tell the people who we trust, we maybe don’t say so much to those we don’t?
By this point Mr Psychiatrist was really just doing my head in. He was telling me it was because of the assault I felt so low and I was game playing with whom I was telling information to. I told him I disagreed with all of that and he continued to talk over me and tell me I just needed to talk it all out with the right people who can help me feel better. By this point I had nothing else to say to him and just sat looking at the door, not responding to him, so he said “I take it you would like the session to end now?” and gave me an appointment for the 16th of October.
I had a very quick lunch with best friend and the kids then went to see CPN. I had totally forgotten that last time I saw her she said we would do a pretend interview for my upcoming interview to start voluntary work with the child befrienders charity. I totally forgot about it though so when I went in to see CPN she had set the room up like an interview with a desk between us and a glass of water each and a big notepad and she started talking to me interview style… At first I was like what the fuck is going on? (in my head) then I remembered and somehow blagged my way through the questions til she said I had done really well and asked me if I’d been preparing my answers and then I admitted I had totally forgotten about it… but she said that was kind of a good thing that I had forgotten about it yet still managed to express all the reasons why I wanted to become a volunteer with them and she said I interviewed really well, so hopefully when I have my proper interview on October 1st it will go just as smoothly!
I then told her all about appointment with Mr Psychiatrist and his shit about game playing and she was like ‘I totally disagree with him and don’t know why he is saying that and if you want I will phone him and tell him’ but I was like, no it’s OK, I was in a foul mood and don’t want to fall out with another member of my care team. Which then moved her onto the subject of the lack of contact for the past 5 months with social worker. Next Wednesday when I go to see CPN apparently social worker is going to be there as well so we can have a chance to talk and for me to get stuff off my chest and basically ask her where she has been for the last 5 months and why she hasn’t kept to the monthly contact agreement made at April’s CPA meeting. CPN says she will stay in the room in case it gets “heated” – I’m assuming she means in case *I* get heated, but I have no intention of doing that, I don’t want to argue or fall out with my social worker, I just want to ask her why she hasn’t kept her side of the agreement and hear what she has to say… that’s it really. I have a feeling that for some reason or another she won’t actually be there, something will come up, I just know it will. I think I may just have to accept that I’m never going to get an answer, but I really hope she does turn up, I want to be able to walk past her and say hello and not feel like she is avoiding me or that there is any kind of tension between us any longer, I want that all to go, I know things are never going to go back to the way they were but just to be friendly again is what I’d like to come out of next week’s meeting.
So I will wait and see what happens next Wednesday.
CPN has arranged for me to see another social worker on a weekly basis for 4 weeks whilst she leaves and does the handover to the new CPN that I will be working with. So it’s going to be a bit of a mix of new people over the coming weeks until this new CPN settles in and I start getting regular appointments with her. I really hope she is nice and easy to talk to.
Today I spent the day with best friend and the kids, we went out for the day, went for lunch and stuff. It rained all day long so was pretty miserable but was better than sitting around the house doing nothing I guess. The guys are finally finished with my bathroom and I now have a lovely new shower and shower cubicle fitted that I’m not allowed to use until tomorrow as stuff is still drying out, I can’t wait to try it out tomorrow!
I have an appointment to see lovely GP tomorrow for another catch up. I am going to ask her about taking Melatonin to help me with my sleeping as something I can take on a more long term basis. I asked Mr Psychiatrist and he said straight out it was not what he would consider to be a medication relevant to psychiatry and therefore he could only say he wouldn’t recommend it because I don’t know how it will react with the other drugs I am taking and to give the increased dose of Mirtazapine a chance as it often makes people sleepy but it didn’t do bugger all last night. I can buy melatonin from health shops or I believe you can also get it prescribed – I asked the pharmacist about it when I was picking up my prescription yesterday – she said it was definitely worth discussing with my GP and if I was to take it then it would be much better if I took it prescribed and monitored for any interactions. I don’t even know if it would do anything, but I have such a tolerance to benzodiazapines now that they really don’t do much to help at all.
Tomorrow I don’t need to set my alarm for the workmen coming in so I’m hoping that I might actually sleep through til a decent hour but it’s unlikely going by my recent sleep patterns. Don’t really know if I want to go and see lovely GP tomorrow, I don’t want to admit to her that the bad thoughts are still there and don’t want to say anything that might risk her feeling concerned about me and how I’d cope over the weekend again. Sort of considering cancelling it but she said she wanted to see me so I guess it’s best just to go.
And that big long ramble has pretty much been yesterday and today. It’s now 10.15pm and I think it’s time to take my meds and see if I can settle down for the night and with any luck get some sleep tonight.