Last night I really didn’t feel in a good or safe place. Thankfully I got support on Twitter and thankfully the Nitrazepam did eventually make me feel sleepy. It was strange, I fell asleep but woke up an hour later, was awake for maybe 45 mins then asleep again but only for another hour then awake again and it pretty much continued like that through to about 4am. Then I finally got to sleep and stayed asleep until 8.30am when I heard the postman putting letters through the door and the dog barking at him (my usual morning alarm clock!) However I still felt quite tired and got back to sleep about 9.30am for another hour and then that was me up.
I met my Mum for lunch at 1pm (her treat!) and then I went for a 2 minute sunbed. I’m not using them to try and get a tan, it’s to try and help my psoriasis because the agoraphobia is preventing me from getting to the big hospital to see the dermatologist and get UV treatment there. But I am very sensitive to the sun and burn very easily, I had a 5 minute sunbed a couple of years ago and a few hours after it I began to burn very badly and was in pain for days. So I said to the woman I only wanted to be in it for 2 minutes and in a few days if I have no redness then I will have another 2 minute one, maybe on Tuesday. And just build it up really slowly, 2 minutes twice a week until my skin gets used to it then I might try a 3 minute one but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a full 5 minutes at one time. I’m going to go and buy some sun lotion and put it all over my body where I don’t have psoriasis patches, the last thing I want is to give myself skin cancer even if I am only using the sunbed for 2 minutes at a time, I just want my psoriasis to fade.
Then Mum bought me a big notebook, some highlighter pens and some normal pens for my uni course so I can take notes when I start my first bit of reading on Monday. I am going to the parents for dinner tomorrow night and Mum is also going to buy me my first textbook that I need for my course which is almost £30! There are quite a few books I need but only one that I am going to need throughout the module, the rest I can borrow from the uni library for the chapters I need and just photocopy them or something.
I then went out to see best friend and the kids for a couple of hours and came back home about 6pm. Haven’t done much this evening, watched the X Factor on TV and messed about online. I was a bit naughty and treated myself to a glass of rosy wine – I have been good it’s been in the fridge for weeks and that’s me only just opened it. I’m hoping one little glass combined with my medication and tonight’s Nitrazepam will just make me that little bit sleepier so I stay asleep and don’t keep waking up like last night. It was a strange waking up, every time I did I felt like there was something wrong and couldn’t get back to sleep until I was sure there actually was nothing wrong.
So it’s now around medication time. I am going to take the dogs for their last walk of the night and then get into my pj’s. A night of rest and keeping distracted all day today has definitely helped my mood. Well I haven’t had time to dwell on things or think about hurting myself, I’ve been too busy so I guess that’s a good thing. I will try and make sure I do the same tomorrow and then on Monday I see the woman from rape crisis and can get things off my chest again.
Let’s hope I get another reasonably decent night’s sleep tonight and as it’s Sunday tomorrow and no post I won’t have my doggy alarm clock waking me at 8.30am. The only thing I feel a bit disappointed about today is that I still haven’t had a reply to the email I was talking about the other day, deep down I don’t think I will get one at all but it would mean a lot if I was proved wrong even if it was just to say – “I don’t know what to say but I read it”.
Hmmz… we’ll see what happens. I thought the person may still care enough to take five mins to send me a reply but maybe I’m wrong.