My thoughts are still going at 100 miles per hour. Chopping and changing from “I’m going to be OK” to “I just want to die”. Since I last posted one good thing has happened, my boiler finally got repaired… hopefully permanently. So I have heating again which is nice and have been able to wash clothes and hang them to dry.
My Dad is coming down tomorrow to paint my flat for me. I don’t know if I’ll stay here or if I’m better off just taking the dogs and going out for the day to let him get on with it. I’m so rubbish at painting that I’m more of a hindrance than a help.
But tonight I am struggling, all day long my thoughts have been flying between good and bad. I came across my notebook that I used as a diary when I was in hospital last and reading back on what life was like in there was so utterly depressing and yet somehow it felt safe. But I know I don’t want to walk that path again even though thoughts have been screaming at me to do really bad things to myself.
I feel very unstable and I’m not sure what to do about it. It is a Saturday, I can’t call the CMHT and as those of you who have read this for a while will know, we have no crisis team or out of hours mental health services here. It’s just A&E and ideally I could go up there and speak to a nurse or doctor and explain I am struggling a lot today and feel like I am in danger of doing something bad to myself and ask them for some emergency medication to calm things down a bit but I don’t want to risk someone who doesn’t know me either saying I need to go to the psych hospital, or worse, them not helping me and telling me to go home and get on with it.
I’m really not sure where to turn right now, I am trying so very hard to stay on the ‘right’ path and not let things get out of control but I fear they are starting to get out of control despite my best efforts to stop that from happening. I have contemplated phoning a helpline like the Samaritans and seeing if talking to someone helps, I’ve thought about phoning my Mum (who is at work just now) and telling her things feel like they are sliding out from under me. But everyone keeps saying how proud they are of me and I just do not want to admit or say those words out loud that I’m actually not coping so good.
I am scared about what will happen this evening. I do not know if I am going to be OK. I really truly do not want to end up losing control and doing something stupid because it’s not what I want. Deep down, I know I don’t want to die or hurt myself and yet these thoughts/voices /whatever they are keep telling me that I must act on them.
I feel very unstable and very scared right now. I sort of wish I had seen my CPN this week but I had to cancel due to waiting in for the fucking boiler repair people who never even turned up that day and now I don’t see her again until August 17th, although I have Mr Psychiatrist on Wednesday. But we are only on Saturday and I don’t even know if I’m going to get through the next 24 hours without any dramas.