They say you only get out of life what you put into it and I’m sitting here thinking back over the years to what I’ve put into mine. I’ve been guilty of a lot of things over the past 30 years, taking more than giving, giving and being let down. I’ve put love into relationships and been guilty of not loving myself, nor even liking myself at times. I have tried to make people proud of me through things like going to university then been guilty of dropping out of courses. I tried to be a mummy and lost my little angel through reasons I will never understand. I have put too much time into self destructive behaviours and scarred my body badly for life. Those scars make me feel unattractive and unlovable. I wonder when I start this next college course if I am going to succeed this time or if past history is going to continue to repeat itself and I’m going to fail at this as well.
The only thing that has been continuous in my life over the past six years has been the love of my family and that of my little dogs. I have loved and lost in my relationships and been so hurt that I cannot envisage ever entering into a new one. I look at friends and family members with jealousy that they have met the right person or had the beautiful babies. But they say you get out of life what you put into it and the mistakes I have made in the past like putting drugs and alcohol into my body as some sort of medication of course could only result in one thing – messing my head up even more.
I’ve seen myself at the lowest of lows, I’ve watched myself completely lose it and attempt to end my life. I’ve seen myself been sectioned into psychiatric hospitals and live every day taking medication to try and keep my head at some sort of level where I can both appear sane and still function. If I try harder this time round, if I really put the effort into this course can I complete it to the end and feel proud of myself that I have achieved something positive with my life? I really hope so. I don’t want to go back to that place where all I can think about is suicide and hurting myself and yet these past few weeks everything seems to be stressing me so much that those are the very thoughts I am battling against.
I don’t want my life to be a battle any more. I want to find some sort of happiness. Maybe I’m not going to have the chance to be a mummy, maybe I am going to continue to have such bad trust issues that I will remain single, maybe I won’t get the housing transfer into the little cottage with the garden that I want and end up in this little flat for years still to come. But I have to put some sort of effort into my life to make it better, happier. I want to wake up and look forward to the day ahead and not wake up with dread that it’s another day and that I’m still here.
Today I have realised that you get out of life what you put into it and no matter how hard it is I have to start to change some of my behaviours or else the remainder of my life is going to be just a never ending journey of mental health problems and struggles to stay alive. I have to achieve something, anything, or else what is the point to it all? There is no point. I cannot spend my life going from one crisis to another even though that’s just what seems to happen. But nothing is ever going to change and I’m never going to be happy if I allow that to be my life.
I don’t know how to change it, for that I need help. But I know I have to start making small baby step changes or I’m never going to have a life, just a horrible back to back set of events all sent to test me until I can literally take no more and decide it is time to give up once and for all.
There has to be more than this? Surely?