I have my appointment with my CPN in just over an hour and now I am dreading it. She just phoned me to ask me if I would be happy to fill out some sort of feedback form for the Scottish Recovery Network as I’ve had such a long history of mental health problems now and dealt with so many different professionals, so I said yeah that’s fine. She said I sounded a bit down and I said I was feeling pretty crappy. Straight away she asked how my Aunt was, I told her the results should be back today showing whether the cancer has spread or not. I then mumbled that I’d self harmed on Saturday and her voice completely changed from being nice and friendly to really serious sounding and all she said was “that’s for A&E to deal with” in other words, not her.
As she had phoned to ask me about the feedback form thing I asked if I was still seeing her today as I was wondering why she hadn’t just waited until I got to my appointment to ask me about filling out the form. She said yes I have still to go at 1pm but she is on duty today and has a feeling she is going to get called away to deal with something that’s “been kicking off this morning”. I will be really pissed off if I get there to be told she isn’t even there. I told her I really needed the appointment today, that I was feeling very low and had self medicated last night. She replied with, “are you telling me you took an overdose because like the self harm, that’s for A&E to deal with” in quite a snippy tone. I said no I did not overdose, I maybe took about 15 tablets over the course of the evening but it was purely to try and sleep, I didn’t have any intentions to die or anything or I’d have done the bloody job properly (though I didn’t say that last bit). Then suddenly she just went “OK see you later, bye” and hung up the phone before I got the chance to say bye back to her.
When I was last in the psych hospital there was a girl in there that I keep in touch with, and the area where my new CPN is normally based is where this girl stays. So before I even met new CPN I had text the girl and asked her if she knew the CPN. She did indeed know her and her reply to my text was something along the lines of “she is nice until you are in a crisis and then tells you that it’s not her job to deal with and that you are blowing things out of proportion”. I get the feeling she might be right, which is unfortunate because so far I had been finding the woman quite nice. I don’t get how she can be on duty today (i.e. the person who is called out to any emergencies) and have that kind of attitude towards me on the phone.
I am now feeling even worse, in fact I don’t even want to go to the appointment any more. Last night I stopped myself from doing anything serious because I knew I would have the opportunity to talk it all out today. Now I fear I will leave the appointment feeling even worse.
To go or not to go, I really do not know now.