23:20 – I am shit

1 May

On Sunday my Mum text me to say she had got all these lovely foods in for a nice Sunday dinner. Then she text again telling me what time it would be ready. Then she text again to ask if I had left my flat yet, was I on my way? I didn’t reply to any of them. The first two because I was still asleep, the second two because I felt guilty because I knew that I was in one of those moods where I wouldn’t go.

Today is my Dad’s birthday. I have his card and present here. Mum text me earlier that they were getting some Chinese food for dinner, did I want to join them. Surprise surprise I didn’t text back. I haven’t even wished my Dad a happy birthday and the day is pretty much over now.

Instead I am shit. I am so selfish because my focus is completely elsewhere. I have managed to get to very deep levels of conversation with Lucifer and listen as he explains to me why it is so very important that he is in my life. I float along in that world, not the so called real one.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist at 2pm. I want to ask him about diagnoses. I want him to tell me what it is he thinks is wrong with me. He has been hesitant for a little while now about the bipolar disorder, and then that new CPN woman saying last week that I wasn’t considered to have agoraphobia when he was the very psychiatrist who diagnosed it. So yeah I want to ask them what the fuck is going on with all that and what he thinks is wrong with me. Personally I think I might have Schizoid Personality Disorder and/or Avoidant Personality Disorder but he has never once mentioned a personality disorder to me, it’s always very firmly been a ‘mood’ disorder that he is certain I have.

Also I will tell him about my relationship with Lucifer and how well that is going, I will request a medication increase just for when the bad voices start up, but I don’t want to take too much that it takes Lucifer away. I’m really starting to like having him around. I like being called a fallen angel. I like making him happy with me.

That’s about all I have to say. I have just remembered I have no dry clothes for tomorrow so I better go hang my washing up. I had a nice weekend babysitting, it’s cute how clingy he is with me, but it makes me sad sometimes as well. I slept like a baby all weekend because I was so tired, how is it physically possible to get so worn out by a 1 year old in two days?! Having him to look after made me focus less on the desires of Lucifer so now I have a bit of making up to do.

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2 Responses to “23:20 – I am shit”

  1. The Quiet Borderline May 2, 2012 at 18:01 #

    I don’t know if I’d term you as ‘being shit’… It just sounds like you’re going through an awfully hard time and you seem to be very hard on yourself.

    I hope that your family understand what you are going through so that you don’t have to be even harder on yourself because of them.

    Feel good. 🙂

  2. Bev August 6, 2012 at 02:22 #

    I went through a period of avoiding. It is no fun. You miss out on a lot. So I know what it’s like. Don’t think of yourself as shit , you’re looking after yourself for now and hopefully in time, you’ll get back on track,. Tc.

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