20:11 – They think you’re crazy and you no longer care

22 Apr

I’ve got some random shizzle to write down, my head is a bit all over the place tonight so this might be a bit jumbled up. I was just reading back over the post I made in the middle of the night wondering if I had taken a small overdose or if it was some sort of a dream. I didn’t think much about it at the time as I seemed to be quite annoyed that I was awake at such an hour. So I took a couple of Diazepam with a few mouthfuls of wine and I dozed back off again until 10am. Earlier, I had a look to see what I’d actually taken. There were three empty strips next to the wine bottle, Diazepam, Zopiclone and Quetiapine. I went to check on my little ‘stash’ of emergency meds and sure enough the spare strips that had been in there were gone. I know it wasn’t a suicide attempt, I know I wasn’t in that frame of mind, I think I just sought peace and peace I got as I worked out I must have slept from around 7pm to 4am then about 5am to 10am. So yes, about 14 hours of peace and it won’t be long before I take tonights medication and hopefully get my head into the right mindset.

Moving on from last night and a couple of hours ago I decided I should force myself to go to the supermarket. I kept my head down and didn’t let anyone have eye contact with me. As I was leaving I could see my Mum coming towards me. This sounds so awful but if I could have somehow hidden I would have, because the first question out her mouth is “how are you?” to which I always reply “I’m fine” and then she has to expand it out a bit with “what have you been up to for the past week?” and I never know how much to tell her.

These days I seem to just tell her everything, people tell me it’s better to be honest with people so they can help you and stuff. So I showed her my tattoo and told her I self harmed again and that the nurse hadn’t been happy with me yesterday for my pentagram carving. So now she knows about this recent A&E trip as well.

She started to say something about how she wishes she could wave a magic wand and make me be able to see that these “voices aren’t real”. Err, yes they are Mum. Sorry but they are. And they control far more than anyone will ever know. They are/He is a part of me now whether I like what is being said or not.

So anyway, I was pretty off with my Mum and started to walk away saying I had to get home, she was looking at me strangely. She said I looked tired. I told her I was.

The thought very briefly ran through my head of ‘what must she think of me?’ but it passed in seconds. Ultimately I know that I am right and yes when I’m stressed out everything comes out as a big mumble jumble but when it’s just me and him our conversations make a lot of sense. So it wasn’t something I stressed over even when I saw her getting back into the car where my Dad was waiting and pointing to her arm as she started talking. Clearly telling him about my cutting.

What must they think?

Who really cares?

So long as I know the truth that’s all that really matters, right? I have another task that I should get started on but right now I’m still psyching myself into the right mindset. The mindset must be just perfect.

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3 Responses to “20:11 – They think you’re crazy and you no longer care”

  1. Ian April 22, 2012 at 21:04 #

    Don’t clear your mind, fill your mind!

    ‘We talk because we want people to listen. The voices in your head are talking because they want you to listen. The more you try and shut them up, the louder they will become, because they are, after all, you. When intense creativity is a big part of who you are, embrace the gift, forget what people will say about you, and take note of what you’re hearing inside because it will lead you to greatness. Stop trying to run from your internal clamor and really listen. Let your mind fill up with all the thoughts and strangeness and ideas.’

    ‘When you have the gift of intense creativity it’s important to stop trying to “find yourself” by doing what others are doing. By honoring your inner creative voices, you give yourself the opportunity to get on a path to success that is personally meaningful to you, gives you more control, and is filled with your personal brand of creativity and passion’

    Karen Daniels April 2012

    believe this or not true genius may well be masked by tragedy!!

    dont know if I understand and/or agree??

  2. Jess April 22, 2012 at 21:34 #

    The voices aren’t real, sweetie. I know you think they are, but they’re not. At least, they aren’t coming from anywhere but your own head. It is not Satan, it is not anyone else. It is your illness. I know you aren’t going to believe that, but it’s true. I hope you continue to see your team and know that there IS hope of recovery. Keep fighting and never give up, you are worthy of this life. You can help people who are going through what you are now, once you are recovered. You are so strong for what you’ve been through so far, and will continue to get stronger the more you fight. You will overcome this.

  3. The Quiet Borderline April 24, 2012 at 19:22 #

    Take care of yourself.

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