12:57 – A&E – To go or not to go

21 Apr

*SELF HARM WARNING*

At some point this afternoon I have to go up to A&E to have my recent self harm wounds checked and hopefully the stitches off. These ones didn’t need suturing, he managed to use glue and steri-strip stitches. The glue is at that extremely itchy stage where I keep wanting to claw at the dressings. I can’t wait for it to all come off over the next few days. I really don’t want to go to A&E today because I actually don’t want to see the damage that lies underneath those two dressing pads. I’m sitting here in shorts and t-shirt pj’s and all I can see is scars, some neat and some so ugly. My left leg and left arm are ruined. A total mess.

So, right now it’s only coming on for 1pm and he said to me to go up anytime between 2pm and 6pm. I think it will be closer to 6pm if I actually make it up there. On saying that, at least I know if I go today then it will be the same nurse I saw on Tuesday and he is a nice guy who I can talk to without feeling judged. I have this very weird feeling that I don’t think I’ve experienced before, where I think as soon as I see what damage I have done to my arm then it might actually trigger me into wanting to do it again. Usually after I have self harmed and had it treated I will look after the wound, change the dressings, give it a little clean each day and generally see how it is healing. This time I haven’t taken the dressings off once because I’m scared to see what’s underneath. I just feel like I could be very easily triggered today but despite getting on well with the nurse I can’t tell him that. Remember on Tuesday he wanted me to speak with the doctor and I just left the hospital without telling anyone and came home, so today when he asks the obligatory question, “do you think you are going to self harm again today?” I will have no choice but to lie and say no. Because I don’t want the shit that telling the truth will bring.

If, when he asks me what I’ve been doing since Tuesday, I say “well I’ve carved the star of Satan into my arm, I’ve had a Satan style tattoo branded on me, I thought it might make the devil stop hurting me as much but so far it hasn’t worked, well it sort of has worked because he is happy with me now but with his happiness comes the demands for further tasks to be carried out to prove my loyalty to him so that he will stop controlling my thoughts and let the Lord think I am worthy of leaving Satan’s control to go back to the Lord’s control, and, well, ….”

And yes, it would come out like a big mixed up mumble jumble just like that. That is the sort of thing that will come out my mouth. And that is the kind of thing that ‘th3 normalz’ think is crazy talk, “concerning” talk, not “normal” talk. And what do they do when they think you are crazy and not normal? They put you in the bin. And I am not going in the bin thank you very much, I am staying right here at home.

/end of rant for now.

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One Response to “12:57 – A&E – To go or not to go”

  1. The Quiet Borderline April 24, 2012 at 19:05 #

    Yikes.

    I hope your wounds are OK..

    Take it easy.

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