13:54 – Massive huge bridesmaid anxiety

16 Apr

I popped up to my Mums last night and she said she wanted to have a word with me. My cousin (my only female cousin, she’s the same age as me but I get jealous because she has the man, the great job, the baby, the house, the car, etc) -in other words we grew up together as ‘equals’ and now I feel pretty shit that at the age of 30 she has achieved so much and me, so little. Anyway, back to the point. Mum said to me that my cousin really wants me to be her bridesmaid. She is getting married in November and lives about 250 miles away from me. At the moment (when my agoraphobia is having a good day) I can travel about 60 miles of the coastal road. I cannot remember the last time I was on a motorway/highway. It must have been when I was in the back of the ambulance losing my little boy.

So I have google mapped every possible route from my house to my cousins house and I now I am panicking so bad. We always said as kids we would have each other as bridesmaid and when I was engaged she was my first choice as bridesmaid which of course she said yes to!

So here’s my problems:

  • From an agoraphobic point of view I really don’t think I can do 250 miles in any form of transport.
  • I have absolutely no body confidence and it will mean wearing a dress.
  • My arms and legs have nasty scars – how do I hide them? My cousin is a doctor so I could maybe explain that bit to her.
  • If I make a commitment now then it’s an actual commitment, not one that I can get myself into so much of a panic about that I can back out from at the last minute.
  • She knows I was diagnosed with bipolar but she doesn’t know about all the voices etc that I have no control over and can randomly just fuck me up
  • It’s 7 months away. I don’t know what or if I’ll have dinner tonight let alone what I’ll be doing in 7 months. I might not even be here in 7 months.
  • Ah fuck, I just cannot do it, there is no point in pretending I can. It’s going to be yet another family gathering that I couldn’t attend, where my face is missing from the photo’s, a day that’s going to make me feel like shit that I couldn’t be there for her….
  • Another day to remind me just how fucking useless I am in normality and yet how I can succeed so well at being fucking mental.
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4 Responses to “13:54 – Massive huge bridesmaid anxiety”

  1. Vixey April 16, 2012 at 14:22 #

    Say you can’t be a bridesmaid, but you’ll still go to the wedding? 🙂 x

  2. Pandora April 16, 2012 at 14:33 #

    Oh God, hun. This is so tricky 😦

    Could you email your cousin and explain the exact circumstances? As you say, she’s a doctor, so she should have at least some familiarity with mental illness, including voices, agoraphobia and shit. A good doctor and a loving relative – which, from what you’ve said, she seems to be – shouldn’t judge you.

    Maybe knowing what’s happening would give her the opportunity to extend the point by which she needs a definite answer from you? As you said, it’s seven months away – it’s at least possible that you’ll feel a bit better before then.

    But this is all very easy for me to say. I’d be completely freaking out if I were you, and I don’t even know if I could follow my own advice.

    At the end of the day, you have to do what’s best for you. If that ultimately means missing the wedding, well, it’ll be sad not to have been at the day and in the photos, but your own health is so much more important.

    Lots of love and many hugs to you babes.

    Take care

    Pan xxx

  3. tiabethy April 16, 2012 at 15:37 #

    I went through the same thing with my best friend who asked me to be a bridesmaid a year & a half after I was diagnosed with bipolar. I couldn’t do it. I felt really bad but she was very understanding. I tried. I even went with her to the bridal gown shop but with the anxiety of that trip I told her I couldn’t. Just talk to her. I’m sure she’ll understand. I went to the wedding & it was beautiful! I still feel bad sometimes but it would have been worse if I’d got up there & then freaked out. Only you know your limits. It will work out the way it should. 🙂

  4. Ian April 16, 2012 at 19:07 #

    What a tremendous honour to be given and truly a reflection of high esteem your cousin holds you in. She did not have to ask and you would have been the first to understand HOWEVER she has and thats because she wants you there and I am sure that the rest of the family do too….perhaps this could be the goal and inspiration you need. Forget about how you fell know think of how proud you would be to follow her to the alter and her groom. Lets face it the eyes are on the bride anyway …(not to say that you will not be at your very best…and how beautifull you are….we know and can see that even if your eyes decieve you.

    My votes to go for it….why add to the list of regrets when you can add this to the achievements made xxxxx

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