(Self harm warning)
… The weekend has been shit. Friday I self harmed badly enough to require suturing. Saturday I was an anxious mess and used every excuse in the book to avoid having to go out and see anyone. Today I tried my hardest to be ‘normal’ around my best friend for a couple of hours because the kids were back from their Dads house and I wanted them to see “fun aunty”. The problem with being fun aunty was that I was also dealing with a head full of voices telling me that I was fucking useless and laughing at the size of me as I tried to kick the ball around on the grass. The voices got too much so I asked my best friend to kick the ball around with the three year old whilst I sat with the one year old on my knee just cuddling into him and trying to calm my crazy fucking head down.
It did not work.
I ended up cutting badly again. Whilst watching Dancing On Ice and crying because they were all good at something and me, well all I have is this head full of voices again reminding me that I am useless.
I had to go up to A&E tonight to see the nurse I saw on Friday night to have my stitches checked. She was happy it was all healing well and I have to go back on Thursday to have them removed.
Then somehow I ended up admitting to cutting again today and she asked to have a look. The short version is that it took the next hour to sew up the damage. The same doctor from Friday was on, she gave me 2mg Lorazepam to calm me down a bit. She gave me another two to take if I can’t sleep tonight or if I start to feel like hurting myself again. I don’t even feel as though I have taken anything because I already feel so numb with all the craziness.
And that’s been my night 😦