17:56 – I just can’t do this

24 Mar

Best friend has been phoning me all afternoon. Then she starts with the “please talk to me” text messages. Then she phones again. Everytime my ringtone starts up my heart starts to palpitate, words come out quietly even though I’m trying to sound ‘normal’. Anyway, I finally answered the phone and listened to her tell me about her drunken antics from last night, I just seemed to sit there totally blank until I realised she had finished speaking and was waiting on me to say something. What was the question? Heart speeds up a bit. My mind searches for the last words she said… Then I hear her ask if I’m still there and I want to hit the ‘end call’ button so badly but I mumble ‘yeah I’m still here’.

“So are we going out then?” (ah, that was the question) Go out? Are you fucking crazy? “Um I don’t think I can” I reply. And then follows ten minutes of a lecture about how I am never going to get better by sitting in the house and never seeing anyone. How I need to get out and meet people and “enjoy life”. I reply to her stating that if she was sitting here with a stitched up leg and voices telling her she was being controlled by fucking Satan then she wouldn’t want to do much either. And then comes the “oh why didn’t you tell me?” speech – why didn’t I tell her things were so bad I’d resorted to cutting again?

By this point my head is already spinning. I now have to sit and listen to the “the voices aren’t real” speech to which I state they are indeed real which moves her on to the “if you sit there believing all your thoughts you are going to wake up and find out that ten years has passed and you have achieved nothing other than to have sent yourself completely crazy” speech.

(I think the above has already happened in the last ten years of my life…)

Anyway.

She carries on trying to convince me I need a night out, I need a few drinks, I need to socialise. I tell her that I really cannot handle the thought of being around so many people. I say I’m sorry. I suggest she could ask someone else to go out with her? She replies “I want to go out with you” – “I want to go out with my best friend” Does she mean this or are we now on the guilt trip speech?

I start the big crazy scramble of thoughts where my brain is reeling off one excuse after the other as to why I cannot go out tonight.

“I have no clothes, they are all still in boxes”

“I cannot be around people, I’m sorry”

“I don’t have enough money”

“I don’t think alcohol would be good for me right now”

“My leg hurts”

“Look, every fucking person out there will fuck up my head”

“I can’t shower properly, I can’t get my stitches wet”

“I know you just want a night out with me, I know I’ve not been around much”

“OK I will go and have a shower and see if I can find clothes”

“Speak to you in an hour, bye”

Now I am supposed to be going out? I am supposed to be in a shower right now and finding clothes and getting “motivated”. What the fuck is motivated? I cannot do motivation right now. Why did I back down? She now thinks she is going out with me and is going to phone back expecting me all showered and smelling lovely and I am still going to be sitting in this very spot panicking.

How do you say – “I just can’t do this” ?

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6 Responses to “17:56 – I just can’t do this”

  1. outwardlyintrovert March 24, 2012 at 18:06 #

    I agree that sometimes you need to push yourself to do things. But I also believe that one knows one’s limits and how much one can handle.

    As someone from the crisis team once told me: Sometimes you’ve got to accept that things are really crap, go lie in bed with a DVD and try again tommorow.

    I really hope you’re okay tonight. Take care, be gentle with you.

    outwardly x

  2. The Quiet Borderline March 24, 2012 at 18:59 #

    I’ve just been reading about your self-harming on your leg. So sorry you are going through this.

    Is there nobody that can help you that you can trust, a professional?

    You really need and deserve the help.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

  3. Galloway Wanderer March 24, 2012 at 20:37 #

    MCBL..

    dont go….

    and

    ‘oh yes you can’

    not necessarily in that order.

    x

    🙂

    see even now you can smile a little even if its just inside…..

    ‘bof smohe’………

    your not the only one who gets things wrong sometimes

    Im here if you need me…

    xx

  4. theartofmakingitoutalive March 24, 2012 at 22:17 #

    I hope that if you managed to make it out, it’s not too anxiety provoking, and if you didn’t, that you don’t feel bad. It’s hard for people who care about us to sit by and watch us ‘wasting our lives’ but it’s harder for us to face the massive challenges that mental illness brings. It’s about finding a balance, I think, about their expectations, and your reality. You take care now xxx

  5. Pandora March 24, 2012 at 22:44 #

    Oh dear God, I just want to fucking rant about this.

    The voices aren’t real…. No, they aren’t – to her. just because they’re not perceptible to her doesn’t mean they’re not very fucking real to you.

    And re: the “you need to go out or you’ll not get better” thing – rationally I think she’s right. But the statement demonstrates that she has no conception of your situation or mental illness in general. Getting out may help, but getting into the headspace where that’s possible is fucking hard, especially when everyone seems to be spying on you.

    So I have no advice, hun – I know I never fucking do, sorry – but I empathise and sympathise. I hope you’re doing as non-shitly as your circumstances allow.

    *massive hugs*

    Pan xxx

  6. mycrazybipolarlife March 25, 2012 at 00:54 #

    Thanks for all the kind words and advice. We reached a compromise of sitting in mine and having a takeaway pizza and couple bottles of wine. Head is slightly drunk and feeling pretty crazy. Time to throw my medication and some diazepam into the mix and hopefully fall asleep.

    xxx

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