I should maybe put a trigger warning on this post.
I self harmed tonight. Pretty badly. After I did it I realised I had no dressings of any kind and really couldn’t face A&E… my head was spinning and I was somewhat in shock at the extent of the injury I’d inflicted upon myself. Thanks to some helpful folks on Twitter I used some sanitary towels stuck around my leg to try and calm things down. But it continued to get worse and reluctantly I phoned a taxi and went to A&E.
The second I walked through the automatic sliding doors the anxiety that came over me took my breath away. I could feel myself both shaking and sweating and struggled to say the words “I’ve got a cut on my leg”. Thankfully it is before pub closing time so the A&E was very quiet and I got seen straight away. I mumbled something about it being a while since I was last there for self harm reasons and how I thought it needed a little bit of glue. When she took the sanitary towels dressing off she took one look at it and told me I needed stitches. It seemed to look even worse under her big light.
The nurse was trying to be so nice I have to give her credit where credit is due, she did her best to try and talk to me about what’s been going on lately but all I could mutter was that the voices were taking over everything. She was encouraging me to seek help on Monday, clearly my shakiness and sweating and inability to look at her was causing some concern. She sent the doctor in to see me whilst the local anaesthetic was taking effect. I mumbled the same to the doctor that the voices had just got too much tonight. They both asked me several times if I was likely to do it again tonight and I shook my head. Inside my head the voices were laughing that I was under the possession and control of the devil and I would do what he wanted, not what I wanted.
The nurse asked me to go back in on Sunday night when she starts at 9pm so she could check the stitches and see how long they should be left in for. And also to see how I was doing. I did my best to smile, muttered thank you to her for stitching me up, declined her offer of phoning me a taxi home as I needed fresh air before I passed out I was sweating so badly with anxiety.
So now I am home, the lidocaine is wearing off and the stitches are starting to sting a little. My head is very noisy so I have just taken my medication with the hope things will calm down so maybe I can get some sleep. I’m going to take the dogs a quick walk now before the numb stuff wears off completely.
There is a command being repeated over and over in my head. It’s making me quite scared that I backed down to the commands and self harmed, I don’t want to be commanded into doing anything else 😦