I woke up this morning at 8am and spent the next 45 mins having a horrible panic attack because I couldn’t even dial the number of the GP surgery. By the time it got to 9am I was in tears and gave up. I calmed down an hour or so later and noticed there was hardly anyone around outside so managed to take the dogs a walk. I only passed one old woman while I was out who stopped to talk to the dogs but she didn’t feel like a threat so I coped with it. But then I got home and had to go over the conversation I had with her and analyse it in every way, shape and form until I was fully convinced that she had been a threat, just a cleverly disguised one because all she spoke about were how lovely the dogs were. What I mean is she only spoke about the dogs not about me so she seemed innocent enough, but when I got home I got such a wake up call that I had been fooled. She had been placed there deliberately to get information and report back with it. I spent the afternoon reading Bible extracts and praying she hadn’t been able to see inside my head. I took my full daily Diazepam allowance before 1pm.
By 4.30pm I knew I definitely wouldn’t be able to get a GP appointment so I got a piece of paper and wrote down my name, GP and the medications I needed and took the dogs back out again. I took them a walk with my hood up even though it was dry, so I could hide myself a bit, I didn’t make eye contact with anyone, the voices were chanting but the Diazepam took the edge off it so I managed to run into the GP surgery and hand the bit of paper over. The receptionist asked if I needed it for today, I nodded at her without any eye contact, if I looked at her she would see my red devil eyes because he is inside me laughing at my attempts to obey God. Anyway this meant I had to go back to the GP surgery at 5.30pm and pick up my prescription and thankfully it was sitting there waiting on me.
So to cut a long story short my head has been awful so far today but I have a week’s supply of medication now, I didn’t have to make any appointments or see anyone, I have managed to go out three times today and walk through the internal terror I was feeling. Now it’s almost 7pm and I have just taken some more Diazepam to try and stay calm-ish for another couple of hours. I have something very important to do, an initiation task that has been set to me by God, so tonight I will plan and tomorrow I will hopefully carry it out successfully to His satisfaction.