18:42 – Even the nice old women are potential threats

21 Mar

I woke up this morning at 8am and spent the next 45 mins having a horrible panic attack because I couldn’t even dial the number of the GP surgery. By the time it got to 9am I was in tears and gave up. I calmed down an hour or so later and noticed there was hardly anyone around outside so managed to take the dogs a walk. I only passed one old woman while I was out who stopped to talk to the dogs but she didn’t feel like a threat so I coped with it. But then I got home and had to go over the conversation I had with her and analyse it in every way, shape and form until I was fully convinced that she had been a threat, just a cleverly disguised one because all she spoke about were how lovely the dogs were. What I mean is she only spoke about the dogs not about me so she seemed innocent enough, but when I got home I got such a wake up call that I had been fooled. She had been placed there deliberately to get information and report back with it. I spent the afternoon reading Bible extracts and praying she hadn’t been able to see inside my head. I took my full daily Diazepam allowance before 1pm.

By 4.30pm I knew I definitely wouldn’t be able to get a GP appointment so I got a piece of paper and wrote down my name, GP and the medications I needed and took the dogs back out again. I took them a walk with my hood up even though it was dry, so I could hide myself a bit, I didn’t make eye contact with anyone, the voices were chanting but the Diazepam took the edge off it so I managed to run into the GP surgery and hand the bit of paper over. The receptionist asked if I needed it for today, I nodded at her without any eye contact, if I looked at her she would see my red devil eyes because he is inside me laughing at my attempts to obey God. Anyway this meant I had to go back to the GP surgery at 5.30pm and pick up my prescription and thankfully it was sitting there waiting on me.

So to cut a long story short my head has been awful so far today but I have a week’s supply of medication now, I didn’t have to make any appointments or see anyone, I have managed to go out three times today and walk through the internal terror I was feeling. Now it’s almost 7pm and I have just taken some more Diazepam to try and stay calm-ish for another couple of hours. I have something very important to do, an initiation task that has been set to me by God, so tonight I will plan and tomorrow I will hopefully carry it out successfully to His satisfaction.


3 Responses to “18:42 – Even the nice old women are potential threats”

  1. Jacki (@StarrLitLove) March 21, 2012 at 20:08 #

    Honey, what is the plan?

    • mycrazybipolarlife March 21, 2012 at 23:03 #

      The plan is to ensure everything is fully prepared to enable me to carry out my task to His specifications x

  2. Clarissa Smid March 22, 2012 at 00:11 #


    You are not well, and I want you to listen to me now, and not the voices.

    What you are describing is quite serious paranoia – and it’s part of your illness. The ideas about how you think people can read your mind and put thoughts into your head – that’s all part of the delusion that your illness is responsible for.

    I have no problem about anyone who resorts to faith in God by the way; that can be very real for many people and is a great support. But I am worried by the plan you speak about, especially given your history of suicidal depressions and hospital admissions.

    I am not surprised that you feel very frightened by everything that is in your head, and I think you are very brave to have gone out as much as you have, especially since you went to the surgery to get your medication. But, are you taking all of your meds, or just the diazepam? You know that diazepam can cause depression, right? And that depression can cause delusions when it is really bad?

    Please, please let your mother take on board your care and liaise with your doctors to get you the help you need right now. By all means stay at home if this makes you feel safer, but please pick the phone up and tell her what is going on in your head so that things don’t go so far that you have little to no choice about outcomes. And let me tell you – no God worth believing in requires anyone to hurt themselves or others; that’s just not the way of the universe. You are simply ill – you aren’t evil and you aren’t mad either. You just aren’t well and need treatment.

    It sounds like you could do with going back to your counsellor when you feel a little more stable; that was very promising work you were doing with her, and after such a struggle to access that sort of help, and what you’ve been through, you owe it to yourself to get back into it and get to the bottom of your troubles as far as possible.

    We all love you and I for one am praying that you reach out, get help and feel better as soon as possible.

    Best hugs,

    Clarissa X

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