I got a letter today to tell me that as I’ve missed my last three appointments with my counsellor I will not be offered any further appointments but I can contact them any time if I want to restart. This is the counsellor at the drug and alcohol place who was doing bereavement counselling with me. Yes the counselling that I wrote about needing so badly and feeling good that someone was finally going to do it with me, unlike the CMHT who just bang on and on about fucking safety plans, crisis plans and risk assessments. The counsellor is nice, she really is, but how do I explain to her that its not that I don’t want to go and see her, I just can’t. The outside world terrifies me at the moment. I don’t even have the words to try and describe it.
So I am sad that the counselling is finished, especially as I was just getting to the point of starting to trust her and open up to her, but like everything I have to go and fuck it up. Talking about my little one and all the feelings I have surrounding the loss was starting to become helpful. I know I can contact them any time in the future and resume the sessions but that just doesn’t seem likely any longer.
I also got a letter from my CPN offering me another appointment on March 20th which is the same day I am supposed to see the psychiatrist. I know I’m not going to go to either of them and yet I can’t seem to phone and tell them this. Which makes me feel bad as I am wasting their time and someone else could have those appointments. I also know I kinda need to see the psychiatrist to go about increasing my Quetiapine again but ugh I just can’t. I also need to see my GP within the next week to get my next lot of 4 weekly prescriptions sorted but I don’t feel as though I’m going to be able to do that either right now. I can see what’s going to happen here, I’m going to run out of medication and lose my appointments with my CPN and psychiatrist, I’m going to be left on my own with nothing other than a completely mental head.
I truly feel trapped in this horrendous paranoia that I can’t escape from. And I have tried, I went out on Tuesday when I last posted, I forced myself to shower then take the dogs out whilst it was still light outside and the anxiety was awful. I only managed about 2 or 3 minutes of being outside before I was trying to get back to the house. But nature called and the dog was doing the toilet and so I had to stand there and wait, all I could feel was nauseous panic creeping up on me. I kept trying to tell myself that it was going to be OK and that I would be back in the house in just a few more minutes. I was trying to be self-soothing. I was trying to remain calm. But there were people, mostly school kids walking home from school and their chatter was so fucking loud it was hurting my head. I couldn’t hear the soothing voice inside me any more just chatter that got louder and louder until it turned into a chant that was bursting my fucking eardrums “we see you, we see you, We See You, We See You, WE SEE YOU, WE SEE YOU” and I had to turn and run. Running in front of all these school kids, looking like a paranoid anxious mess, flustered and rubbing my hands on my head, eyes dashing from side to side trying to find a way out of it all… I was a mess. As soon as I got back indoors my three locks were put on the door and I just sat and cried with the duvet wrapped round me.
Yesterday I had to go to the pharmacy and pick up my prescription. As usual I waited until just before closing time and ran along the street for it. On my way back home I bumped into male friend, I started making excuses to him that I had to come home to have a shower, I was about to make dinner, I was probably going out soon… anything so that he didn’t ask to come round. He did text me later though to ask if I was OK as I seemed a bit “off”. I didn’t reply.
The paranoia feels like it’s taking over everything. The anxiety has not been as bad as this in a long time. It’s almost as bad as it was when my agoraphobia made me completely housebound. And I worked hard to get to a point where I could deal with some anxiety, where I could calm myself down a bit, but now it just doesn’t seem to work at all. My head is constantly swimming through voices, chants and unintelligible chit chat.
I just feel confused and scared. I don’t know why it’s all starting again, it really makes me think that I’m never going to get ‘better’.