20:38 – Three weeks

12 Mar

I’ve barely left the house in three weeks.

I haven’t attended any of my appointments in three weeks.

I haven’t seen daylight in the past three weeks.

I’ve lived on takeaway food for three weeks.

I am thinking of writing a letter to care team people (CMHT) and to the counsellor to tell them to discharge me. They are all a part of the bigger picture of people plotting against me, turning me into a paranoid mess. I haven’t seen any of them in three weeks but I can hear their voices laughing at me, verbally tearing me to shreds all the time.

I’ve been back in my flat for three weeks. I haven’t unpacked any of the boxes. I haven’t slept one night in my bed because it’s still covered in boxes. I have no proper flooring – instead I have sheets of MDF throughout my flat. I sleep on the couch during daytime so I don’t have to see anyone. I go out at night to the takeaway because all the other shops are closed. I feel my heart pumping faster and harder in my chest because I know that every person I stand close to has the power to read my thoughts, to know how much I am panicking, to hear the voices laughing at me and to join in with them, making me even more paranoid.

The workmen had scaffolding up for two weeks. They were watching me while I was on the sofa sleeping all day then when I would wake up I could hear them all laughing at the state of me, a big fat whale that should be thrown to a pack of wild dogs at feeding time.

I feel all their eyes on me, like those of the snakes of Medusa, watching my every move, listening to my every word, humiliating and ridiculing me, hissing and laughing at me… I need to stay away from everyone and everything so I’ll continue to be quiet on here for the time being, I’ve probably already said too much.

Final thought before I go, from a not-particularly-religious-person. Psalm 5:6 (New International Version):-

“You destroy those who tell lies; bloodthirsty and deceitful men the LORD abhors”

.

.

.

And karma will destroy her for the lies she has told.

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4 Responses to “20:38 – Three weeks”

  1. jermec March 12, 2012 at 21:43 #

    Three weeks like this is a very long time. Has anyone been in touch after the missed appointments to see if you’re ok? You said you wanted to get in touch the ask to be discharged because of what they’re doing. Could you bear to get in touch to tell them how things are with you? This is awful. xx

  2. Pandora March 12, 2012 at 23:29 #

    Whether or not you see them, I’d ask the same question jermec has: have they bothered to contact you after you missed your appointments? If not, they are being incredibly irresponsible.

    Either way, I’m so sorry that things are so shot at the minute. I wish I could say or do something remotely useful. Since I can’t, just know that I’m thinking of you honey, and hoping for a way out of this for you ASAP.

    ❤ xxxxx

  3. mycrazybipolarlife March 12, 2012 at 23:47 #

    No, nobody has contacted me after the missed appointments they just send me out a letter with a new appointment date that I don’t go to. I went up to see my parents about an hour ago, they have just got back from being abroad on holiday and had brought me some cigarettes back. They knew something wasn’t right, maybe the fact I haven’t showered in about five days gave it away, they asked what was wrong and I told them I’m just feeling really paranoid right now but left it at that, got my cigarettes and left. They said the same thing about me getting in contact with CMHT but I just couldn’t find the strength to explain that the CMHT are part of those plotting against me and causing my paranoia. I’m so scared now that my parents are going to become part of it all as well 😦 xx

  4. The Quiet Borderline March 14, 2012 at 08:21 #

    You very much deserve and need some help. Is there anyone that can help you that you feel is genuinely there for you?

    Sending you much strength.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

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