I’ve barely left the house in three weeks.
I haven’t attended any of my appointments in three weeks.
I haven’t seen daylight in the past three weeks.
I’ve lived on takeaway food for three weeks.
I am thinking of writing a letter to care team people (CMHT) and to the counsellor to tell them to discharge me. They are all a part of the bigger picture of people plotting against me, turning me into a paranoid mess. I haven’t seen any of them in three weeks but I can hear their voices laughing at me, verbally tearing me to shreds all the time.
I’ve been back in my flat for three weeks. I haven’t unpacked any of the boxes. I haven’t slept one night in my bed because it’s still covered in boxes. I have no proper flooring – instead I have sheets of MDF throughout my flat. I sleep on the couch during daytime so I don’t have to see anyone. I go out at night to the takeaway because all the other shops are closed. I feel my heart pumping faster and harder in my chest because I know that every person I stand close to has the power to read my thoughts, to know how much I am panicking, to hear the voices laughing at me and to join in with them, making me even more paranoid.
The workmen had scaffolding up for two weeks. They were watching me while I was on the sofa sleeping all day then when I would wake up I could hear them all laughing at the state of me, a big fat whale that should be thrown to a pack of wild dogs at feeding time.
I feel all their eyes on me, like those of the snakes of Medusa, watching my every move, listening to my every word, humiliating and ridiculing me, hissing and laughing at me… I need to stay away from everyone and everything so I’ll continue to be quiet on here for the time being, I’ve probably already said too much.
Final thought before I go, from a not-particularly-religious-person. Psalm 5:6 (New International Version):-
“You destroy those who tell lies; bloodthirsty and deceitful men the LORD abhors”
And karma will destroy her for the lies she has told.