20:48 – I think I’ve made it

11 Feb

I swore I wouldn’t use any heavy drugs today, I wouldn’t do that on my little one’s special day and I think I’ve made it. I haven’t used anything nor had a drink. I’ve faced the entire day clean and sober and I’ve got through it. I’m proud of myself, there have been many testing moments today and it would have been so easy to go and get completely smashed to block it all out but I didn’t. I made a promise to myself and I stuck to it.

Seeing my ex this morning was bloody hard. He insisted on asking me questions about my life and I, like an idiot, answered him. Inside my head was screaming ‘it’s none of his fucking business!’ but I kept on my fake smile and chatted to him as though none of it bothered me. Afterwards I went to my best friend’s house for a little while then came home around lunch time. I hadn’t taken my meds this morning because I’d been in a rush and I could feel my head crying out for some Quetiapine to calm it down again. I’m only on a low dose as I’ve just restarted it but I tend to find the low doses are the ones which make me quite sleepy so I slept from about 4pm til 7pm.

When I woke up all I could think about was either going to score or going and buying a bottle of vodka or something but I have so far resisted all urges. My Mum is coming early tomorrow to help me clean my flat as I’m having new central heating and a new kitchen fitted over the next couple of weeks so I need to give the place a good clean up.

I feel a bit rubbish because it’s also my brother’s birthday today and I didn’t go up with a card or anything for him because my head was all over the place. Once I got home today I was a bit of an emotional mess for quite a while, until I fell asleep. I feel pretty emotional again just now but won’t let it turn into a crisis. I will not abuse drugs, I will not drink, I will not cut, I will not do anything to harm myself and wake up tomorrow regretting it all. I will let my angel have his special day and apart from some tears not look down on his Mummy destroying herself.

So it’s almost 9pm and I think I’ve made it through the day in one piece. If my mood becomes lower I will follow my crisis plan and make contact with someone, my friend or use someone like the Samaritans for support. I know I don’t need to face this alone but I really just want to be alone with my thoughts and memories tonight…

I miss him so much 😦

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7 Responses to “20:48 – I think I’ve made it”

  1. justdifficult February 11, 2012 at 21:31 #

    Man, you are such a strong lady. It is hard for you because you have such issues of guilt and self-hatred: but this is a strong sign of you being kind to yourself at last. You deserve it: roll with it, and don’t look back.

    With lots of love and hugs,

    Clarissa X
    http://www.justdifficult.com

    ps – I am sorting out my blog at the moment and will enable you and others to subscribe to it via email – self hosting is a bit more complicated though – plugins and shit… Gahh… X

  2. sanityisknocking February 12, 2012 at 02:39 #

    You did it girl. And if you can do it on THIS day, you can do it on ANY day. *high five-ing you*

  3. The Quiet Borderline February 12, 2012 at 08:07 #

    Well done you.

    I am so proud of you. And you should be proud of yourself.

    You have more stength than you realise.

    Please continue looking after yourself.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

  4. Ian February 12, 2012 at 10:28 #

    Soooooooooo proud of you xx

  5. sarah k February 12, 2012 at 14:21 #

    So proud of u huni, u have amazing strength inside of u xxx

  6. mycrazybipolarlife February 12, 2012 at 17:36 #

    Thank you all 🙂 I did make it and feel proud of myself. I feel stronger somehow today. Thank you for all your support xxx

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