I swore I wouldn’t use any heavy drugs today, I wouldn’t do that on my little one’s special day and I think I’ve made it. I haven’t used anything nor had a drink. I’ve faced the entire day clean and sober and I’ve got through it. I’m proud of myself, there have been many testing moments today and it would have been so easy to go and get completely smashed to block it all out but I didn’t. I made a promise to myself and I stuck to it.
Seeing my ex this morning was bloody hard. He insisted on asking me questions about my life and I, like an idiot, answered him. Inside my head was screaming ‘it’s none of his fucking business!’ but I kept on my fake smile and chatted to him as though none of it bothered me. Afterwards I went to my best friend’s house for a little while then came home around lunch time. I hadn’t taken my meds this morning because I’d been in a rush and I could feel my head crying out for some Quetiapine to calm it down again. I’m only on a low dose as I’ve just restarted it but I tend to find the low doses are the ones which make me quite sleepy so I slept from about 4pm til 7pm.
When I woke up all I could think about was either going to score or going and buying a bottle of vodka or something but I have so far resisted all urges. My Mum is coming early tomorrow to help me clean my flat as I’m having new central heating and a new kitchen fitted over the next couple of weeks so I need to give the place a good clean up.
I feel a bit rubbish because it’s also my brother’s birthday today and I didn’t go up with a card or anything for him because my head was all over the place. Once I got home today I was a bit of an emotional mess for quite a while, until I fell asleep. I feel pretty emotional again just now but won’t let it turn into a crisis. I will not abuse drugs, I will not drink, I will not cut, I will not do anything to harm myself and wake up tomorrow regretting it all. I will let my angel have his special day and apart from some tears not look down on his Mummy destroying herself.
So it’s almost 9pm and I think I’ve made it through the day in one piece. If my mood becomes lower I will follow my crisis plan and make contact with someone, my friend or use someone like the Samaritans for support. I know I don’t need to face this alone but I really just want to be alone with my thoughts and memories tonight…
I miss him so much 😦