20:58 – Time for some honesty

9 Feb

It’s been a while since I last posted, so this is probably going to be a super long one. I have really been trying hard to keep myself distracted and that’s also meant a bit of a break from the internet. My moods have been a bit unpredictable lately and somewhere deep down I knew I’d go into another suicide research phase if I allowed myself to open the laptop and switch it on. So I figured just keep myself busy in the day times and then come home and watch TV then sleep. My sleep is pretty poor at the moment but that could be due to a number of things.

There has been quite a lot happening. I was really ill for a week or so with bronchitis but I’m feeling better now. I was reading back on my blog posts and although I hinted at the drugs I was taking I think now is the time to just write truthfully. Christmas was hard, I played it down but it fucked my head. The next few days I was like a zombie, all I could think about was suicide. It got to New Year and I made a choice that I deeply regret – I asked someone about heroin – why she took it… her answer… it makes everything OK again. And that’s what I needed – everything to be OK again, my head to stop being fucked up and mental, the voices to stop screaming, my thoughts to slow the fuck down. So I made an extremely stupid decision – I tried smoking heroin. What did it feel like? I felt medicated and then I vomited for about the next three hours. That was it. No high, no low, no buzz, just feeling completely ill.

So why the fuck did I go and buy it again the next day?? I have no idea. And what makes it all the worse is that I went to the drug and alcohol place and got needles. I felt more comfortable watching it going into my bad blood. There was something about the whole process of opening the wrap, sprinkling it into the little sterile metal holder, adding in the citric acid, cooking it up, putting in the filter, sucking it up into the needle, finding a vein then slowly feeling it run through my body. The first few days it would make me sick but it wasn’t an unpleasant sickness, it actually felt good getting bad stuff inside of me out. I would lie on the sofa and nod off, still aware of everything around me but enjoying the feeling of medicated sleepiness and that girl – she was right – nothing mattered, nothing could hurt me, nothing was there apart from pleasant nods and bursts of daydreams.

I continued using every day until I went into hospital. One wrap costs £10, by the time I had been using for two weeks I was up to 4-5 wraps a day. That’s how addictive it is. You need more and more every day to get that same zoned out medicated feeling. So when I went to my GP completely suicidal I broke down and told her what I’d been using. I told the psychiatrist and I just needed a break away from it all. I was becoming dependent, if not physically then psychologically. So I had my week away from it all, they increased my dose of Diazepam and gave me Lorazepam as well. They gave me anti-sickness tablets and tablets for the stomach cramps. The first few days I felt like shit and I was craving so badly but by the time I came home a week later I was feeling a different sort of shit – that of the haloperidol. So I stopped taking the haloperidol two days after I came out of hospital and haven’t taken it since.

I have been to see a drugs counsellor and she was really nice. She is very well trained in lots of areas of counselling and listened to my whole story. I told her about how trapped I still feel, stuck somewhere in the bereavement process, still stuck in that day five years ago. She was so nice and told me she really believes she can help me understand grief better and hopefully start to move forwards with my life. She knows the drug use was due to both my mentalness and my inner pain. For the first time in a long time I actually feel more positive about the future, like maybe there is a chance I can move forwards without feeling guilty for living my life.

Speaking of the little one it’s his 5th anniversary on Saturday. It’s going to be a hard and sad day as it is every year and seeing the ex is never easy either. I have ordered a beautiful basket of flowers from the florist which cost a bomb but he is worth it. I’m worried Saturday is going to be a very triggering day for me. I will admit I have used heroin once since coming out of hospital but all it did was make me sick as a dog like the first time I tried it and I haven’t touched it again but psychologically I still crave that medicated feeling where nothing can hurt me. And what can hurt me? Life. Everything about it hurts especially with the anniversary just two days away. But I am determined I will not tarnish his memory by putting that shit into my body on his special day. No matter how much pain I am in, I won’t ever touch that stuff again. I don’t want to be some sort of junkie I want it to just be what it was – a two week mistake, a very stupid one, but one which has actually had a positive outcome as now I am going to get the counselling which I so badly need.

I am getting on with my CPN a bit better now, I still don’t especially like her but have decided I need to work with her whether I like it or not. We met on Monday and updated my crisis plan. Today I had a CPA meeting which consisted of myself, my CPN, psychologist and social worker with the psychiatrist via video link which was quite weird but better than being in the same room as him! We really just talked about where I was at and what work I had been doing with CPN woman. I also told them about the counselling I’d been offered through the drug centre and how I was going to start that because I believe I need it regardless of what the psychiatrist said while I was in hospital about not needing it right now. I explained I knew my safety had been their priority but that I felt the counselling would help me a lot and if it became too painful or started to affect my moods then I would be honest and say it was too much for me right now. Also that’s my psychologist off on maternity leave for the next year now and I need some emotional support while she is gone. It was hard seeing her big bump today, it was hard that the video conferencing room in the hospital happened to be right next to the maternity department. I had been asked to take my Mum or Dad along to the meeting but as they both had work commitments I took my best friend instead. The psychiatrist asked me if I was still using drugs and I said no. He then said that CPN woman had told him I had used once since coming out. Of course best friend didn’t know this and I had to completely deny it. He asked if I was smoking cannabis and I admitted that yes I do still have a smoke at night because it feels like the only thing that is keeping me calm. He gave me the speech on how one smoke could destabilize me and make my mental health worse which I don’t dispute, but right now it truly is the only thing that chills my crazy head out.

I told him I want to start Quetiapine (Seroquel) again. I know I reached the maximum dose of it before and was still experiencing psychosis but it was the only anti-psychotic which kept me stable for a decent period of time and didn’t come with a shit load of side effects. We have also decided to stop my Lamotrigine (Lamictal) so I’m stepping that down by 25mg a week, it doesn’t seem to have helped stabilise my mood and I’ve been on it almost two years and I think it’s making my psoriasis worse as well. It’s known to cause a lot of skin problems, rashes and stuff in some people. It’s a shame because it was another medication which didn’t give me nasty side effects but hopefully there will be another mood stabiliser I can try which won’t be too harsh.

So that’s where I’m at. Time for some honesty and hoping people won’t judge me for my stupid actions. Feeling a bit fragile about my little angel’s anniversary on Saturday and there not being anywhere open if I need support. Knowing I need to be strong and not sure if I’m going to manage. My best friend wants me to go and spend the night at hers so I’m not alone, she said in the meeting today how it would be good for me as her kids would be a distraction, sometimes she forgets that watching her two babies is really hard for me.

It’s going to be a difficult weekend I just hope I can do my angel proud.


8 Responses to “20:58 – Time for some honesty”

  1. disorderlychickadee February 9, 2012 at 21:17 #

    Much sympathy! I’m glad to hear you’re getting more of the help you need and have hopefully got the junk out of your system and can have that kicked for good. If you know you don’t really want it, that’s the big thing – the next part is knowing that you really can resist. You really do sound like you’re in a much better space, even if it all still feels like hell.

    I hope you make it through the weekend alright – could you do anything celebratory in memory of your little one? Like go somewhere special or treat yourself somehow? Don’t spend the day alone if you’re worried about managing.

    I also think doctor’s tirades against cannabis are BS. I’ve seen some studies that suggest it’s actually good for bipolar – brings down the highs a bit, brings up the lows a bit, and less side effects than any anti-anxiety drugs. I have to get random drug testing if I want to keep my ADD meds, which I can’t manage without. It pisses me off.

    • mycrazybipolarlife February 9, 2012 at 21:37 #

      I think all the junk is out my system now, like I said in the post there is still a bit of psychological craving for it but I just keep trying to tell myself I was in a very dark place then and the future can be brighter now so I don’t need it.

      I am going to do my best to make Saturday a celebration of his memory rather than end up in some sort of crisis because it’s all too much. You would think after five years it would get easier but it seems to get harder with each year that passes. Maybe it’s because it’s a reminder that yet another year has passed without him and another year has passed where I have done nothing to move my life forward. So hopefully this new counsellor is going to help me make sense of things.

      I can imagine how random drug testing must piss you off! Sometimes I wish I had never admitted my drug use to ‘the professionals’ because now it’s brought up time and time again. I can’t even enjoy a little smoke in peace anymore without hearing my psych’s voice in my head telling me it’s going to make me unstable. Argh!

    • justdifficult February 10, 2012 at 03:45 #

      “I also think doctor’s tirades against cannabis are BS. I’ve seen some studies that suggest it’s actually good for bipolar – brings down the highs a bit, brings up the lows a bit, and less side effects than any anti-anxiety drugs.”

      I think you’ll find that the studies you refer to talk about types of cannabis with a higher proportion of Cannabidiol to THC, which *might* be less likely to induce psychosis in people with a tendency for Schizophrenia (like our friend here!).

      The problem is that most strains of dope on the street now have much lower quantities of Cannabidiol, and much higher levels of highly psychoactive THC. It is the THC that sends people like our friend here loopy – and this is almost unavoidable; the dealers know that most people go for stronger stuff if they can get it – so the old fashioned gentle strains of cannabis plants that people smoked in the 60s have virtually disappeared in favour of skunk.

      The GP is right: stay away from dope if you have hallucinations of any kind – in fact, as nice as it is (see my comment below), it’s just more of the “unreality” that this lovely girl is trying like crazy to rid herself of.

      Nuff said.

  2. jermec February 9, 2012 at 21:23 #

    All I can think of to write sounds like the message in a greetings card. I’ll spare you that, and just say keep tweeting & shout when it’s bad. x

  3. Pandora February 9, 2012 at 21:49 #

    OK – the heroin may have been objectively ‘stupid’…but fucking hell, when you’re in a heinous place psychologically, anything seems better than suffering it. And it was courageous to admit to the drug use to your GP. Seriously, that takes guts. Good on you girl.

    So pleased to hear about the counsellor and how great she sounds. I really hope she can help.

    I’ll be thinking of you over the next few days, honey. It’ll be hard but you have the strength and resolve to get through it.

    Sending love and hugs xxx

  4. justdifficult February 10, 2012 at 03:27 #


    Well, I had wondered where you’d been and what you’d been using – I had guessed, so am not surprised – but that doesn’t make me feel good.

    I’ve got to chime in here: stop smoking dope. Just stop it. It is probably the reason why you get the psychosis that you have, and even though I also used to love the ritual of skinning up and sharing a spliff with my friends of an evening, and the nice hazy chill it gave me, there was the me before, and the me after. It definitely changed something in my psychology.

    As you know, I don’t get psychosis until I’m well and truly manic, and fortunately, I can’t really remember much that I’ve experienced while “sitting on the rings of Saturn”. But there is so much research to show that for some people, cannabis really does cause psychosis, or at least contributes to it in a major way. Am I right in thinking that you were re-diagnosed with Schizophrenia last year? If so, avoid dope completely, and get into meditation instead as a distraction – http://www.getsomeheadspace.com – I find it totally relaxing, especially when I’m anxious or getting upset by stuff. I signed up for their monthly programme, and I do it each day (I have an app on my phone for it). It is really helping me with just chilling – which it sounds to me you need to do au naturel!l Frankly, also in the absence of therapy of any kind, I felt it was a positive thing I could learn to do that would help me chill the fuck out! And it does – it’s all guided, and for under a tenner a month, I think it is well worth it.

    I’m sure much of the problem with cannabis is that we’re all smoking skunk these days – hybrids bred to get us completely whacked. It’s totally unmeasurable as to how much THC is in each spliff, and so you never usually know much about how stoned it will make you or what character of high you’ll get. This is why the whole getting stoned thing is so unpredictable – especially for mentalists like me and most of all, like you.

    As to the heroine – I have no experience, other than watching friends of mine shoot their lives away, so I’m glad that you fessed up, and have been in treatment. Stay away from the people who you associate with this stuff: it’s a death sentence, even though you’ve actually seen some reality through the experience. Hang on to that – it’s important.

    I was given haloperidol a few times when I couldn’t stop ranting nonsense in hospital – and it is totally hideous – I couldn’t walk, I was dribbling all the time, and I could barely speak. But haloperidol doesn’t kill you: heroine does, and dope may well necessitate you being on more meds for far longer…

    Bottom line is that you’ve hooked up with someone who wants to help you psychologically, which is what those cunts at your hospital should have been doing anyway – despite their ridiculous policy of treating you with therapy when you are stable… pathetic. I would argue that if they’d just had you in therapy before all this, you might never have got to the stage where you felt so utterly unsupported and alone that you turned to skag for relief from all the mentalness going on.

    Look – it’s a bit of a lecture, I know. I’m not going to apologise for that though because I consider you to be a friend, and I don’t do “unreal” bullshit. This is my honest opinion about your situation. I think you’ve had a terrible experience losing your son, but I hope that you are beginning to see that you actually deserve to have a life and learn to live alongside that loss: it wasn’t your fault, and I know that it won’t ever diminish in significance that much – but if you can reach out to people who genuinely have your best interests at heart and get the support you need, I really feel that you can get yourself well.

    I really respect you for being so brutally honest about things in recent weeks: and for going to the GP about it and getting help. Many people don’t, especially after what you’ve been through. I think you are amazing – it takes real strength of character to do what you’ve done so far: just try to take little steps each day and be gentle with yourself.

    With lots of love and hugs,

    Clarissa x

  5. The Quiet Borderline February 10, 2012 at 09:35 #

    SO so tough.

    I’m so sorry you are going through all of this.

    I know, you want to just escape from reality for a short time, however long you can.

    I sincerely hope that you are reaching out for help to where you can – You truly deserve it.

    Take care of yourself. Please try.

    The Quiet Borderline

  6. sarah k February 10, 2012 at 22:32 #

    Honesty is such a brave thing huni, it takes a really strong person to speak about something that you feel ashamed of. Everyone has something in their past they are not proud of, its in the past and thats where i know you will make it stay.
    Huge hugs,

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