20:29 – Home

23 Jan

Well that’s me back home again. I went into my review full of smiles and assurances that all suicidal/self harming type thoughts had fled my mind. Have they really? Probably not. But I hate that place so so much that I can’t take more than a week and I just need to escape from there. Don’t get me wrong I do genuinely feel a bit more positive and I am doing my best to keep reminding myself that there is a future out there for me. I mean we are all put on this Earth for a reason and I’ve yet to find mine.

So I exaggerated a little in the review today, I convinced the psychiatrists that in the space of a few days I had stopped thinking about hanging myself and instead wanted a happy life. And I do want that happy life, I’m just not sure if I’m ready to put in all the hard work that it’s going to take to get there. Confused? Yes a little bit. I’m not really sure how I feel, I’m glad to be sitting back in my own little flat and not in a hospital bed I know that much.

I went to see my friend on my way home and she thinks I’ve left hospital too soon. I went to see my mum and dad for dinner and I think they think I’ve left too soon as well even though I told the psych that Mum was happy for me to go home. I was just so restless in there and that restlessness has carried on a bit, I couldn’t handle being round at my friend’s house for long and I was feeling a bit agitated at my parents as well. But I’ve taken my meds early and am hoping for an early night as I’ve got a lot on tomorrow. I need to be up early and get an appointment with my GP for medication as I only asked for one day’s supply so I could get out of the hospital asap.

What happens next? Who knows. Hopefully onwards and upwards but after constant drug use, overdosing, running away from hospitals, spending every night for 5 or 6 days in a row tying ligatures round my neck to suddenly trying to convince everyone that I’m back to normal… well… what can I say, I think it’s pretty obvious I’m not quite back to normal yet.

But I’m glad to be home I know that much for sure, even if it’s the only thing I’m 100% sure of right now.


4 Responses to “20:29 – Home”

  1. sanityisknocking January 24, 2012 at 00:22 #

    I’m glad you’re happy about being home. Even if things are still shit, at least you have the comfort of your own bed and not having a light flashed in your face in the middle of the night.

  2. Tery January 28, 2012 at 21:07 #

    Take it one day at a time…slowly and steadily…

    Heh, the one thing I don’t miss is the “burn check”… I had to let the nurse go me over to see if I had any new cigarette burns. Then there were the constant battle with my eating habits. I’ve never been able to eat a lot and my fam know’s this and has made peace with it. Doctors, however, how do you convince doctors…

    There is always something going on in the wards, wether it’s the wails of the truely disturbed guy next door or the girl on the other side that imagines herself to have everybody elses symptoms (even my heart condition), it’s just not the best of places to unwind and put things back into perspective.

    At least in your own flat, surrounded by your own belongings you can sit quietly and think things through, without the nurse barging in with pills or reminding you of your doctors appointment for the umpteenth time.

    Stay strong ;))

  3. sanityisknocking January 29, 2012 at 20:36 #

    How are you doing?

  4. disorderlychickadee February 8, 2012 at 21:39 #

    Hey, haven’t heard anything in awhile – everything OK? Or OK enough?

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