Well that’s me back home again. I went into my review full of smiles and assurances that all suicidal/self harming type thoughts had fled my mind. Have they really? Probably not. But I hate that place so so much that I can’t take more than a week and I just need to escape from there. Don’t get me wrong I do genuinely feel a bit more positive and I am doing my best to keep reminding myself that there is a future out there for me. I mean we are all put on this Earth for a reason and I’ve yet to find mine.
So I exaggerated a little in the review today, I convinced the psychiatrists that in the space of a few days I had stopped thinking about hanging myself and instead wanted a happy life. And I do want that happy life, I’m just not sure if I’m ready to put in all the hard work that it’s going to take to get there. Confused? Yes a little bit. I’m not really sure how I feel, I’m glad to be sitting back in my own little flat and not in a hospital bed I know that much.
I went to see my friend on my way home and she thinks I’ve left hospital too soon. I went to see my mum and dad for dinner and I think they think I’ve left too soon as well even though I told the psych that Mum was happy for me to go home. I was just so restless in there and that restlessness has carried on a bit, I couldn’t handle being round at my friend’s house for long and I was feeling a bit agitated at my parents as well. But I’ve taken my meds early and am hoping for an early night as I’ve got a lot on tomorrow. I need to be up early and get an appointment with my GP for medication as I only asked for one day’s supply so I could get out of the hospital asap.
What happens next? Who knows. Hopefully onwards and upwards but after constant drug use, overdosing, running away from hospitals, spending every night for 5 or 6 days in a row tying ligatures round my neck to suddenly trying to convince everyone that I’m back to normal… well… what can I say, I think it’s pretty obvious I’m not quite back to normal yet.
But I’m glad to be home I know that much for sure, even if it’s the only thing I’m 100% sure of right now.