14:26 Fucking Sundays

22 Jan

Why do they go so slowly in here? Seriously every 10 minutes feels like an hour. Time just doesn’t want to pass. I wish id asked my parents to come up today instead even though it was lovely seeing mum yesterday.

The suicidal thoughts seem to be subsiding a little. Not much but enough that i can go longer than five minutes without wanting to rip up materials to use as ligatures so that has to be a plus. Although on saying that if i was given the opportunity where i knew i wouldn’t get caught AGAIN then i would likely take it.

Im bored with being in here and it will only be a week tomorrow. I want to go home i don’t think im any more of a risk to myself in here than at home. Impulsive bad thoughts fly through my mind but today i seem better at ignoring them. I wish my life wasn’t this way i really do. I think maybe it is time for me to start working with the cpn woman no matter how much i dislike her.

I kinda miss my social worker. When i first met her we used to go walks all the time, we had appointments every week, i developed a trust with her and opened up about everything to her. And she helped me maybe more than she realised because i stayed out of hospital all that time. Then when i.started to feel alone and started to feel like no one cared any more i began to act on the suicidal thoughts more and more. I feel angry towards her sometimes for letting me develop a bond with her then her disappearing on me. But then i feel angry at myself for feeling angry with her cos she truly did help me so much. I just wish she was still around with the same consistency as before. But hey, social workers books must fill up fast and people get forgotten about, that’s life realistically.

Maybe she felt like she couldn’t offer me any more help, maybe she thought the cpn would be better for me but she isn’t. I don’t like her approach i don’t find her helpful i don’t like her structured way of working and i don’t like her as a person. But she probably doesn’t like me much either.

Even though things were still crazy back then they were still better. I felt more supported and now apart from horrible cpn i feel like i have no one. My care team has vanished so why shouldn’t i vanish too? Same old question same old answer – to.avoid others pain.

Its review day tomorrow and i don’t know what the outcome of that will be. I want to say let me go home now please but im scared to say the words incase i get sectioned. After all it was only a few days ago i was tying ligatures round my neck and saying i just wanted to die. How do i convince him that in the space of a few days i feel i can support myself back at home? But another week or fortnight or month in here just feels so far away. It begins to feel like a prison sentence especially when i can’t go off the grounds.

I guess all i can do now is wait. Wait for the day to drag by and wait to see what happens tomorrow. Ugh sometimes life truly does suck.

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One Response to “14:26 Fucking Sundays”

  1. Sarah January 22, 2012 at 19:47 #

    Good luck with your review, hope it goes okay!
    Sarah

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