04:36 – Everything is crazy

16 Jan

It’s almost 4.30am and I’ve been up all night. I haven’t been posting so much lately because I don’t want to admit to what I’ve been doing. I’m ashamed of my behaviours, but then, I can’t live with my mental/emotional pain so I’m just using anything I can to block it all out.

I went to the local drug and alcohol centre on Friday after a particularly bad night. They were really nice to me and didn’t judge me, in fact I have got a counselling appointment with them at 3pm today. I also have CPN woman at 2pm and if I’m still awake at 8am I’m going to phone for a GP appointment.

The suicidal thoughts are somewhat on hold, only because I’ve been self medicating with other things. But now I have ran out of other things and have barely enough money to live let alone get high. I don’t know where I go from here, I don’t think I can go through the withdrawals, my body needs more drugs I am vomiting constantly because I haven’t used in a day. It might be early days but it’s been too many days already.

I don’t know who I need to see. I need to see CPN woman to tell her how crazy I feel, how fucking suicidal I am when I’m not under the influence. I need to see the GP to see if she can help medically but I doubt she will. I think I did good contacting the drug and alcohol centre so I can get counselling but to be honest I don’t think I need it, I know why I’m using – to block everything out.

I can’t sleep and I don’t feel safe. I’ve been cutting superficially just to try and release some of the pain. Getting the bad blood out of me. I don’t want to end up in hospital again but equally I can’t afford to have an addiction and maybe a break away from the people I’m associating with wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But then I think of being back in hospital and how fucking depressed it made me, the strain on my family and friends, etc.

If I don’t know what will make me feel better then how will they know? I can’t see my psychiatrist being remotely interested in my recent drug use, I know I will get the line from him that ‘he can’t tell if the olanzapine is working whilst I’m using other substances’ – which is a fair point I guess. But I know how it all feels inside me, I know I’m cracking up, I know things are going downwards, I know the shit is going to hit the fan.

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2 Responses to “04:36 – Everything is crazy”

  1. The Bipolar Diva January 16, 2012 at 06:07 #

    I hate those times. Telling you to try to hang on are merely useless words at times. I know. I’ve been there. But do try, please try,

  2. The Quiet Borderline January 16, 2012 at 14:47 #

    So sorry you are in such a hard place right now.

    Please keep reaching out for the help you much deserve.

    Feel better.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

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