08:07 – Well they didn’t come…

12 Jan

… The police that is. I was left alone in peace even though I’ve still not really slept as I kept wakening up and having to check the door was definitely triple locked. I’ve been crying a lot during the night, I feel so low and so fucking useless. I don’t even know if I definitely wanted to die I just want to be wherever my baby is so badly. Telling them I was going to go and sleep in mud and rain in a graveyard all night, swallowing pills, blurring everything out, running away from hospitals, phoning my parents and announcing that I am yet again in hospital, sitting in a room with CPN woman and my mum and telling them both I’m going to go and die – these are all the things my body and mind seem to be driving me into doing. And I don’t understand why – I don’t understand why I’m feeling or behaving in this way. This surely isn’t the behaviour of a 30 year old woman?

Deep down I’m terrified; I don’t want this life. But then the same question comes up “who can change your life?” and I know the only answer is me. Do I want to change it? Definitely. Do I feel in control of it? No. And that’s the part which scares me, I am not in control. I’ve lost control. The New Year was supposed to be a new start, no hospital admissions, no substance abusing, nothing but 100% focus on getting better.

I just keep seeing things telling me they are signs and those signs are too powerful to resist. I give in to them and let them convince me that I should do what they ask, or that I should believe their signs to be true. And even if I have doubt over a sign it doesn’t matter because I know in the end I will go and explore it just in case it is the one sign that does matter.

Well the police didn’t come and cart me off but even I know if I can’t get a grip on my life very soon then the men in the white coats will be…



One Response to “08:07 – Well they didn’t come…”

  1. The Quiet Borderline January 12, 2012 at 08:28 #

    Feeling so sorry and bad for you.

    There is me complaining about being in the hospital for 11 months being taken care of (most of the time) and you are in this situation where you’re trying to reach out for help and are not getting the help you need.

    Please, whatever help you are offered, take it. Then you can hopefully make some steps forward in recovery.

    Wishing you the best,

    The Quiet Borderline

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