… The police that is. I was left alone in peace even though I’ve still not really slept as I kept wakening up and having to check the door was definitely triple locked. I’ve been crying a lot during the night, I feel so low and so fucking useless. I don’t even know if I definitely wanted to die I just want to be wherever my baby is so badly. Telling them I was going to go and sleep in mud and rain in a graveyard all night, swallowing pills, blurring everything out, running away from hospitals, phoning my parents and announcing that I am yet again in hospital, sitting in a room with CPN woman and my mum and telling them both I’m going to go and die – these are all the things my body and mind seem to be driving me into doing. And I don’t understand why – I don’t understand why I’m feeling or behaving in this way. This surely isn’t the behaviour of a 30 year old woman?
Deep down I’m terrified; I don’t want this life. But then the same question comes up “who can change your life?” and I know the only answer is me. Do I want to change it? Definitely. Do I feel in control of it? No. And that’s the part which scares me, I am not in control. I’ve lost control. The New Year was supposed to be a new start, no hospital admissions, no substance abusing, nothing but 100% focus on getting better.
I just keep seeing things telling me they are signs and those signs are too powerful to resist. I give in to them and let them convince me that I should do what they ask, or that I should believe their signs to be true. And even if I have doubt over a sign it doesn’t matter because I know in the end I will go and explore it just in case it is the one sign that does matter.
Well the police didn’t come and cart me off but even I know if I can’t get a grip on my life very soon then the men in the white coats will be…