10:38 – And how do you feel today MCBL?

10 Jan

Well I’ve been awake for a few hours and I still feel fucked. I think I got more than a couple of hours sleep but my head aches and I probably only slept one or two hours undisturbed each time. I can feel temptation lurking at the back of my mind, trying to drive me into doing something.

I am supposed to be seeing CPN at 1pm but I really cannot be fucked with listening to all the areas where I didn’t use my crisis plan and what bits I could have used to avoid all of yesterday. Fair enough, she will make some valid points, but equally she isn’t me and doesn’t walk in my shoes. And sometimes things are just too fucking advanced to even know what my crisis plan is.

My little bag remains packed on the floor next to me with 3 tops, 1 pair of pj’s, a pair of jeans and some underwear. I have no money at all but feel the need to be with my angel so the plan of today is to pop in and see what CPN is going to annoy me with then walk to the little one’s stone and sit with him while I take my stash. I genuinely don’t want another person who is at the cemetery paying their respects to be the ones to find me but hopefully by then it will be raining even harder so no one will be around.

How do I feel today? Well, I don’t know what I hope to achieve by doing this. Is it death? Yes quite possibly. Is it the need to be somehow close to my angel? Yes. Is it because I believe the signs? Yes. Have I seen any more signs? Two, one of which is questionable even I can admit. Why the fuck haven’t I just done it all yet? Because part of me is scared. The last time I took a serious OD I was not far from death and I could hear numbers and words that made me know things were getting serious. And I’m scared of going through that again, I’m scared I think I’ve taken enough but haven’t and end up in that horrible trapped place in the middle of life and death.

I really don’t know which way to turn now.

 

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4 Responses to “10:38 – And how do you feel today MCBL?”

  1. Kate January 10, 2012 at 16:07 #

    Hi Hun , I feel compelled to write because the above reads awfully like a last note
    I hope you managed to speak to someone about it rather than acting

    I don’t mean this to make things harder but as hard as things are then what if . what if , what if??
    How do you know your future couldn’t involve a time where you have another child and you are sitting there with your little ones sibling and thanking your lucky stars you didn’t follow through

    I really hope the above doesn’t offend you – I haven’t phrased it perfectly but life can turn on a sixpence ( for good as well as bad and you’ve been through so much bad then maybe theres good in the future )

    Sorry you’re in so much pain at the moment xx

  2. tee January 10, 2012 at 21:53 #

    from a complete stranger, i honestly hope that life gets better sooner rather than later, and i’m so sorry that it sucks so badly right now.

  3. Tylar January 11, 2012 at 01:03 #

    I know exactly what you are going through, you an i must be at the same point in life right now, its really scary, an I don’t know where I’m getting the strength, I think like you its the fear… I always think its funny somehow, a suicidal person afraid to die… I f you ever need to chat to someone, I’d be happy to, I’m also from the uk, n.ireland 🙂 you aren’t alone xo

  4. The Bipolar Project January 11, 2012 at 04:40 #

    Maybe this is an odd thing to say but I’m going to say it anyway. You say you are getting signs from your little one, but I reckon there are other things happening too that could be as equally relevant as being seen as signs. For example, you’ve been trapped between life and death before, taking enough to get there, but not enough to go. Is that a sign that maybe you are meant to be here and alive?

    I remember you wrote about a visitation from your grandmother, and she said she was taking care of your baby. The meaning I see in that is that your baby is okay, and you don’t need to hurry to the afterlife as they will always be there waiting for you when the time is right.

    I don’t know if this is helpful. Probably not. It’s just an alternative perspective.

    I hope you are still around to read this.

    Love,
    Sara

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