Well I’ve been awake for a few hours and I still feel fucked. I think I got more than a couple of hours sleep but my head aches and I probably only slept one or two hours undisturbed each time. I can feel temptation lurking at the back of my mind, trying to drive me into doing something.
I am supposed to be seeing CPN at 1pm but I really cannot be fucked with listening to all the areas where I didn’t use my crisis plan and what bits I could have used to avoid all of yesterday. Fair enough, she will make some valid points, but equally she isn’t me and doesn’t walk in my shoes. And sometimes things are just too fucking advanced to even know what my crisis plan is.
My little bag remains packed on the floor next to me with 3 tops, 1 pair of pj’s, a pair of jeans and some underwear. I have no money at all but feel the need to be with my angel so the plan of today is to pop in and see what CPN is going to annoy me with then walk to the little one’s stone and sit with him while I take my stash. I genuinely don’t want another person who is at the cemetery paying their respects to be the ones to find me but hopefully by then it will be raining even harder so no one will be around.
How do I feel today? Well, I don’t know what I hope to achieve by doing this. Is it death? Yes quite possibly. Is it the need to be somehow close to my angel? Yes. Is it because I believe the signs? Yes. Have I seen any more signs? Two, one of which is questionable even I can admit. Why the fuck haven’t I just done it all yet? Because part of me is scared. The last time I took a serious OD I was not far from death and I could hear numbers and words that made me know things were getting serious. And I’m scared of going through that again, I’m scared I think I’ve taken enough but haven’t and end up in that horrible trapped place in the middle of life and death.
I really don’t know which way to turn now.