The events of the past week or so have caught up with me. I can’t sleep and feel a mess. All I keep thinking about are the signs. Earlier today (after I wrote my last blog post) I ended up being taken to A&E. I’d taken quite a few Diazepam before I wrote it then decided fuck it I’m getting more. So in the end I took in the region of 150mg of them and when I phoned to speak to my psychologist (telling her I felt poorly and couldn’t come to the appointment) it didn’t take her long to ask if I’d taken something. She said she wanted to speak to a CPN and phone me back. This was around 2.30pm. By 3.30pm I had been picked up by two CPN’s I’ve not met before and they took me to A&E, saying my two options were to go and get checked over or for them to phone my GP and tell her what I’d done. I opted for hospital because I knew they’d just check me over and let me go. I did insist it would be a completely wasted trip as there was nothing wrong with me other than being drowsy but they gave me the whole “duty of care” talk.
They done all my basic obs and I asked to go home, but was told the doctor wanted to see me first. I wrote a post a while ago about being in A&E and them suddenly bringing the doctor in and alarm bells going off in my head and me running out of there. Well yeah, it was the same doctor. He asked me some questions, I told him I just needed to sleep or escape or something. He asked what other drugs I’d been using and I think I must have needed to pee really bad as I just reeled them all off one by one. I then asked to go for a pee which I was allowed to do on the provision I didn’t make a run for it again.
When I came back from the loo the doctor was sitting talking to the CPN guy who had brought me in and I heard the nurse butting in to say “what are we doing with her then?” followed by “yes she’s a regular occurrence in here” so I stopped for a moment outside the door before going back in. I just kept saying I wanted to go home so the two CPN people made a deal with me if they could have my excess medication then they would leave me alone. So I gave them a couple of spare boxes of Lamotrigine that have been in the cupboard for ages, I pulled out the bag with all the loose pills in it but refused to hand that one over. I did say however that I wouldn’t take any of them.
I must have fallen asleep just after 6pm and when I woke up I could have sworn the clock said 01:38 but as it turned out it was just going on for 8pm so I watched the soaps and then everything from earlier came flooding back. Little things I said like “you’re bump might be another sign” to my pregnant psychologist while telling them all the signs of why I should be in Heaven.
I’ve been awake for two hours and don’t feel particularly out of it anymore which means it’s time for a few more sleepy pills. I don’t know what I want, just not to be here feeling this day after day. I have a bag packed at my feet with a couple of days clothes in it and a pair of pj’s I think I want to run somewhere but is there anywhere to hide?