Oh my God. Why can’t I sleep? I’ve been lying in bed for three hours just tossing and turning until I finally got fed up and came back through to watch TV. There is nothing on the TV at this time of night/morning, it’s all repeats of things I’ve seen before. I don’t know if I’m worrying about seeing this guy tomorrow, I guess I won’t be fully relieved until I’ve handed over his money and deleted his phone number.
But I’m sure it’s not the guy or the money keeping me awake, I’m sure it’s a baby. Every time I go to nod off I hear crying, that little but strong cry of a newborn. But there is no baby, no matter where I look. I hear it and follow it’s cry but then it just disappears. It’s my crazy mind playing tricks with me, cruel tricks at that.
One of the worst feelings is not knowing for definite what’s real and what’s fake. I hear and see things that I’m sure other people can’t. If they could hear and see what I see and hear then they would walk about looking like confused zombies most of the time. That’s how I feel as though I look anyway.
My arm really hurts, it’s covered in bruises as well as a cut that I probably should have gone to A&E about, but I couldn’t face it. It’s not massive, it will just be yet another scar. I’m watching a program right now about holidays, I so wish I didn’t have agoraphobia I’d love to be lying on a nice hot beach just now, dipping myself in the water every so often and have enough concentration to read a book on a sun lounger. The last time I went abroad I think I was 22 or 23 and that was just for a city break. So it’s been about 7 years anyway.
Oh I’m rambling here. I’m just trying to see if typing in the dark will make me any more sleepy but apparently not, I think it’s time to find the most boring book that I own and see if that sends me into a world of zzz’s.