I mentioned a while ago that I’d been (mis)using a variety of substances to try and block out the intrusive voices that keep plaguing my brain. On New Year’s Day I did something extremely stupid and repeated that stupidity on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
The result of my stupidity?
- A drug dealer who lets me run up a bill with him.
- My head being so fucked I thought I got money today but it’s not for another week yet
- I’ve been violently sick all night last night and felt like shit all day today
- If I didn’t have the rest of the bill I owe the drug dealer by tomorrow I was going to get (and I quote) my ‘c**t kicked in’. Charming, I know.
- Due to the fear of not having the money on time I slashed my arm, tried to stab an artery and have spent all day swallowing Diazepam and Codeine.
So yes, you could say life has been pretty fucked up over the past five days. Everything has been experimental, I wanted to try everything and anything until I found some magic cure that wrapped me up all cosy and warm and protected from the bad things in the world. But I’ve learned that this isn’t the way forward. Drugs really are for mugs. I’m not saying I’m never going to smoke the odd spliff here and there again but nothing stronger than that. I’ve had a massive wake up call and realise 100% that the guy selling things to me isn’t a friend; he’s someone who saw me as an easy target for trying to get me hooked on stuff and someone who would shit herself if she couldn’t pay up in time.
And that’s very nearly what happened. I have until tomorrow afternoon to pay up or I’m not sure what the consequences would be. I decided tonight I had to speak to someone in confidence about it all and as it turned out I now have been very lucky and now have a solution to pay off my bill tomorrow. I will never go near that man/dealer again, he very nearly and very quickly could have got me addicted to any kind of gear possible, he is scum, but then again I am the fucking idiot for associating with him. But I can’t explain it, when you just need to block something out and have tried every other way then you get desperate and desperate times call for desperate measures, as they say.
So thankfully I am going to get the guy off my back tomorrow and that will be a definite goodbye to him. I can’t believe the kind generosity of some people, it actually made me cry. Crying in relief, crying from my own stupidity.
My aim is to make it through the weekend with nothing at all, not even a glass of wine. I need to know I can face life without substances to blur things out and I need to know if my Olanzapine is actually doing anything at all. I phoned to speak to my psychiatrist today but he is on holiday for another week so the other psych is going to phone me on Monday. I think the Olanzapine needs increasing so I’m going to speak to him about that. I will be honest about the substance misuse as I have been with all of the professionals so far, I just haven’t named and shamed everything I’ve been using.
And now with a sigh of relief that everything will be OK tomorrow I am going to take the dogs a quick walk then think about getting some sleep.