My sleeping has been dreadful over the past week or so. I don’t know what’s going on but it doesn’t seem to matter what time I wake up or how much sleep I get, I still can’t fall asleep at night. Last night I was up til stupid o clock. It’s the middle of the night just now and here I am wide awake. I have no cigarettes left and it’s driving me mad. I live in the middle of nowhere, the very earliest a shop opens is 7am. That’s 3 hours and 20 minutes away. I have taken way over my daily prescribed Diazepam to try and help but it’s doing nothing either. I think I’m immune to the bloody stuff now.
I’ve tried going and lying in my bed. I’ve tried listening to my iPod, relaxation tracks, mindfulness ones, soft music… but I just toss and turn. My brain doesn’t want to switch off even though my body does. My eyes are sore, they want rest but I can’t seem to give them that.
Argh. Why can’t I just be like all the normal people whose houses I can see with lights off? Why am I the only flat in the street with my lights still on? Now I can guess what will happen, I’ll finally fall asleep about 6am, the diazepam will be in my system and I won’t wake up in time for my appointment in the morning. Or if I do wake up and go to it I’ll wish I hadn’t because I’ll be in a world of my fucking own.
Insomnia, I hate you.